No Carbon Monoxide Detector
In the room I stay, the reason for it is disturbing
Well where should I start? As I have been very vocal about the living situations I have been forced into, this is beyond me. It is even crazier for one to believe I owe them money for gassing my room, stealing my meds, as well as things, and to be real, the list of problems here, just goes on and on.
About less than a week ago, I woke up crying a tad. This isn't normal, however every time I have been under Anesthesia, I do wake up crying.
I have had this happen here before, only this time around, not 2 years ago, although 2 years ago, moving in here, is what made my mental health begin to deteriorate.
Having enough of this nonsense, since the gassing does show up on my toxicology reports through my current doctor, and while trying to get me to trust him once again, he pretended that he had a psychiatrist on his team, my previous one from 2011, when I got the elbow surgery. Desperate to find a way away from my current doctor, I traveled, by foot to the one who fixes things, as well as the doctor who was my pain doctor, and then he was familiar with my psychiatrist, after all that is what good doctors do, communicate.
On Friday, right after the new year. I wondered all the way up to a doctor I previously had, who helped me get off Oxycontin about 15 years ago. He no longer prescribes the anti-dote and being the one who had patients on it for years, I still believe he has other options, but there is an unethical nurse whose addiction to adderal, has made her project what other doctors tell her, onto me. She even broke his oath for him, and states, "He won't help you." Which if your in my shoes and lived the life I have, I know she is lying.
That doctor that I didn't spend 5 years with, talking about the same issues, with no resolutions, and on top of that, they kept reoccurring. When I brought up something like my tennis elbow, he had an immediate MRI done on it, and gave me cortisol shots, until the surgery which has fixed the excruciating pain I was in, daily at that time. Then when my Gallbladder hurt, he sent me to a place to have it scoped, so that if there was an issue, doing his job as a doctor, he would of fixed it. There was nothing that could be seen, so there was nothing to fix. See that promptness and action, is what doctors do. I have only had a handful of doctors, in my lifetime. Plus isn't that what a doctors job is, to fix things that are wrong, or look into them? Not just keep saying for 5 maybe 6 years, ya we will get that done. Then nothing is ever done, did I mention my current doctor, loves putting on an unnecessary show, for absolutely no reason. After-all he did just meet me 5-6 years ago, and ever since then, nothing in my life has felt real, I began explaining this to him, but he just entertains my words, without solutions, and talking about the incident that occurred September 4th 2016, well that is off the table. He wants to carry on as if this life changing event, never happen. The same life changing event that seemed to change his life for the better, and well mine. I am still stuck answer less, confused, and getting my back injury checked out, well that is out of the question. I have mentioned it so many times, and he does nothing. I've had to apply for disability 3 times, and my doctor isn't compliant with the paperwork needed from your physician, to get of disability, did I also mention that, he believes me living in my car, is better than a hotel. That is the most backwards thing.
Well the doctor I have had for 5 years now, produced a fight that lead me to gun-butting someone, with a shot gun. I was told by this person that hey would kill me before I could press charges, so in the bigger picture, that person is still an intruder, and still threatens my life.
Here is where it gets interesting, knowing my trust level for my current doctor isn't on the up and up, right now, he suddenly resembles the little gargoyle man that harasses me, threatens my life and has been pulling me around to places I don't belong for, what a coincidence, 5-6 years, as my father.
Even though, this doctor knows I am ready to move on, he tipped the odds of that, on Monday, when I went to see him. Does his practice exist because of me, no, however is his practice still in business because I never had him further investigated, yes. He even changed the name, since the clinic lost all credibility with that name.
As I now see clearly, he is working on the side of, "I will give you more than you need, so you can sell them, and kick him back some." Then my suboxone that he just prescribed me about a third of them go missing, after an encounter at a house where strangers reside, but call themselves, by my mothers name and her now ex boyfriend. I know this is a thing, from the anesthetic doctor I had right before him, both times.
The doctor that I went broke with my savings paying off, would never cut me a break, when all I was trying to do was get sober. However he did take Medicaid, but only from the dealer I had from back in the day, when I was using. It was like fate that day, I walk in and to my surprise, his name is on the sheet, and he has Medicaid, so he doesn't have to pay for the visit, while I am giving this doctor my all, still never good enough. Found out that he is in it for the wrong reasons, money, therefore, when he sees the certain Medicaid patients at no charge, they then kick that doctor back some cash, from selling the over flow on the street. I am sure of it, now that doctor is no longer in business. Which I am beginning to think, neither should this chaotic, show performer shouldn't be. He seen me in distress, I am a high profile patient to him, after all, all it takes is the right lawyer to get some answers about something he sees effects me, but doesn't care, as long as the cash flows. I truly believed in him, until Monday.
I am going to skip over all the details for now, lets get back to when I woke up in tears a little less than a week ago, and that is far from my first time doing that. I have every symptom of being put under anesthesia, all the way to constipation, during that time of month that, rarely is that an issue. They, by they I mean people who used to know me, don't anymore, have copied my fathers disguise idea from 2001, so they can pull these stunts, to escape accountability. It has been going on for awhile now, after all anesthesia makes you forgetful, and they wish I didn't remember every detail of the last 6 years, but thanks to journaling, I do. On Monday, after the show he put on, I left and the number he has for me is out of service.
The doctor I thought he was, the one in it for the right reasons, would be concerned, however is he? Nope.
Something else that I find ironic, is every time I get closer to getting on the right path, something suddenly happens, and boom. Back tracked. For example, I am switching up my work hours, and when I get up and go to sleep. That is when they gas me up, and I end up taking downers that I don't usually need to take that many of, then they gas me while I am asleep. Is this a doctor, trying to follow through with his threats? Who knows, all I know is for days, I have had symptoms, like numb tips and what not, but I woke up today, little later than my sleeping clock allows, and my whole body on the inside is in pain, and my organs feel so inflamed, it is obvious, and if one refuses to see it, it's only because they are a part of it, or telling me any kind of truth would threaten the lie, that if I was as non important as I am treated, could go on without me, but seems like they need my presence to put the show on, I should have the only say in this, considering in Oct. 2016 I resurrected someone I know loves me, only to find out it was a fraud, and now I can't get the help that I never even have to as for from my father.
As the day continues, I end up becoming more drowsy and fall back asleep. This time with a mask on, now how is someone supposed to justify being in safe place, when I have to wear a mask indoors, and now back to one when I go to bed. (this has summer 2020 written all over it) These people think I owe them something, but all that they are owed is a call from a lawyer. That is where I am taking it, and no one can tell me different at this point. I have allowed my good nature heart, be mistaken for a doormat, and I hate when that happens, well this is really the first time, and now the frauds are going to have some issues, since they decided to effect my life, even after I said NO.
These people who have been harassing me in my fathers house for 6 years, are now here inside this house, I was organized into living in. Then someone tries to manipulate me, as if this was my choice. Knowing I would stop by here in desperate times, since I did a couple years ago, but before I changed my name to my maiden name, no one was available and I just wanted a conversation with the owner, who used to have wisdom. The people who now jump in his face, refuse to acknowledge my truth. On top of it, they must have been told they are no longer welcome at my fathers place, so who do they point their non justified anger to, me.
I told my ex mother in law about it, she acknowledged it, and sometimes that is enough, but in this case it is not. My whole inside being feels inflamed, and I have to sleep here again tonight, tomorrow night and until someone who knows my father, steps up.
Being a mother myself, anyone I truly cared for, would never be going through what I have been forced to go through for 6 years, so I have had to give up on everyone on that side, who isn't my son. I'm beginning to believe, from their lack of involvement in a positive direction, that they don't even care about my son, since they know how close we are, how his mood changed when we got ripped apart, after a year of working through issues that we don't even have, what I am seeing is the people he is staying with have the issues, and they need therapeutic visits, to understand to put the child's emotions and feelings before their own. Since I have been shown it doesn't seem like they care about his feelings or emotions, or even happiness. Knowing I am his rock, they just ignore his need for my love, and I am guessing, force him to act like everything is ok, when it is indeed not. If anything, I sadly have thoughts of they don't want me around, because my trust funds and money from my father, they love to pretend I don't have, goes to my son, when I die. It is like they rather devastate and ruin their grandchild's life, with telling him about my death, just so they have control of any money. However, by the age of 21, my son, if he doesn't already, see's who the problem is, and it's never been me. As his childhood memories run through his mind, the people he lives with, aren't in 80% of them. Not to mention, they waited until my sons great grandparents moved away to begin all this bullshit. Knowing that if I knocked on their door and asked them to intervene, they would. Instead, now they live far away and god only knows what they are being told about me, by the people I once considered family. I guess, a lot less people to have to manage, when I get to my destiny. Every day that goes by, every year that goes by, I begin to see that they are stonewalling my son and I, why? I have no clue, he doesn't deserve to feel the way I know he does, and they can ignore facts all they want, but it still won't change them.
I am ready to change it all, from my doctors to the people around me, to those I once trusted, but have showed me they aren't problem solvers, maybe they are the actual problem. Who when I show signs of getting better, they rip it away from me as if I don' t have the right to be happy, positive, growing, and make something of this time away from my son. However when I do that, then everything they have been telling everyone will be exposed. My son nor myself should not be in this heartbreak.
I don't deserve to feel my inner organs so inflamed as I write this. I already have proof, and I don' t need anymore. Therefore I will not be calling on the ones who did this to me and continue to do this to me, for no reason, if these people want me dead so bad, as if the inside of me isn't already dead and it's just a shell of someone I used to be, man do I miss me before I ever met this current doctor. Then they should kill me themselves, since many who participate in the lie, have killed 2 people on the inside for sure.
Is this some sick form of punishment for pursuing getting myself back? After all if that doctor I called on, was my doctor, I would go see him, or better yet, no one would feel they have the right to gas me, because they know that my doctor right now will turn his head to it, but would the other one? We will never know. Therefore what is clear is that my current doctor, shouldn't be my current doctor, and I belong with a doctor who isn't involved with any of this, and would help me fight back. Not just listen to the same issues over and over, and possibly be involved with hurting me, so I would go see him, for what though, nothing would change. I don't want my lungs to be inflamed and aspirated, or my organs to hurt. I never have been treated like this in my whole life, until I acquired my current doctor.
When I reached out to the doctor I need help from right now, my phone was abruptly shut off the following Monday. When I got a therapist who isn't a part of my current fraudulent world as a whole, it's like he sent in someone to take my phone and put some sort of spyware on it, so I can't reach anyone who threatens this lie of his. Hey I am just adding up the constant pattern and the common denominators. It has been a pattern for 6 years at this point, how does anyone not recognize it or believe that I don't recognize it. I do, I have just been stripped from all resources to remove myself from the problem.
Now when I heal from this, I have some lawyer searching to do, I truly have had enough of these money hungry, oath less and ethic less people who are suppose to be people who want to see you better and happy, as well as thriving, not homeless in a car. As well as are suppose to love my son as a whole, but instead of fixing anything, they just rather see that broken look in his eyes, that they created. While force feeding us lies, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore, and it all started at my current doctors office. The truth is, my current doctor, has sat in my fathers chair, with a different eye color, and he is truly a piece of work. This current doctor will trash every forwardness thing I have going on, and I am starting to understand why after all, I do hear the voice of my ex mother in law in that office, more than I should. Too keep them updated with false information. While telling me I need a psychiatrist and I agree, he also blocks me from obtaining one, by setting off a series of chaotic events, and I never make it to the psychiatrist.
Moral of the story here, never take someone's kind and trusting nature as a weakness, because kindness and being treated like a doormat isn't even my nature. I am a stand for what is right, and the principle of things is my nature. As the pee I pee into those drug testing cups every time I go to the doctor, not once has he mention the obvious anesthesia in my urine, why is that? Obviously he has to be part of the problem, and like I said before, I have had nothing, but problems after becoming his patient, and his juice after Monday, just isn't worth the squeeze any longer. Not to mention, what if he did this, so I would go running right to the person who put me in this position? He is suspect for many things, and I can't wait to find out what they are.
This is when I wish I could contact Jay, or the other doctors I have had, while I had him as one as well, after all one doctor for everything, isn't ideal, Jay is a doctor who actually fixes things, without being asked, a doctor who is a doctor for all the right reasons, as well as one who wouldn't stand by and allow some strangers to hurt me for 6 solid years. I would go in and mention something to him once, and boom, he found out how to fix it. Never was there a time that I sat there complaining about my depression for 6 years, or even tried committing suicide, the doctor I have now, seems fine with the events from the last 6 years, and well I am not.
Where is a good doctor when you need one?
Shit, where is a good person, with common sense when you need one. Where is the person that my ex mother in law pretends to be at when needed? I am positive my son see's right through her at this point and I would give anything to be there emotionally for him, like I know she isn't, and I know this, since I wasted many years on her very emotional unavailable son.