I'll Be With You Soon, Eloise

Very few are given the opportunity to know when or how their life will end. Believe it or not, there is a gift in that.

Most wander through life like they have so much living left to do, so they pour time down the drain the same way they’d leave the tap on while brushing their teeth- with the jaded illusion that there is enough to waste. But when you are given a death sentence, you realize how wasteful you had really been.

Naturally, at first you consider what you would have done differently. Then when you have chastised yourself enough for not doing those things, you move on to thinking about what you still have time for. But you aren’t always in the best position to see those things through.

When I first was delivered the results, I grew very depressed. I had been locked away in the prison of my mind and was consumed by my anger for so long, that I lost the only chance I had to enjoy my life. Many thoughts raced through my mind, like why had I been so stupid? And why did I make the choices I had made? I could have lived a full life if I’d only done this or cared more about that.

Then after a few very dark days, I feigned sanguinity, and opted to make the best of it.

I heard the click of the door and its familiar creak before I opened my eyes.

“I’m sorry to wake you, Joe.” Martin said.

“Oh, no bother. Was just resting my eyes. Though I suppose after today I will have plenty of time to do that, won’t I?” I chuckled.

Martin smiled uncomfortably.

“Oh, no need to cringe, Mart, we may as well make the most of the situation.” I offered.

After a moment, he spoke.

“You’ve had a lot of visitors. I’m not surprised you are tired.” He said.

“Yes, my brother made the trip up from Pensacola. Imagine that.” I said.

“That’s good, Joe. I am glad you have family nearby.”

I smiled and nodded.

“As requested, there is an entire chocolate cake waiting for you. I’ll bring some in before the doc makes his rounds.” Martin said.

“Sure.” I replied.

“You want to go outside today?” He asked.

“Yes, I think I would.” I said.

Martin nodded and motioned toward the door.

He had been taking care of my needs the last few months. The more time we’d spent together, the more I liked him, and I wished I’d had the opportunity to know him sooner. I could sense his sadness too, and despite his rough exterior, he wasn’t always able to hide his despondency.

We both strolled the grounds for a few moments in silence. Beams of sun broke through white puffy clouds, lining them with silver and gold hues. I smiled.

“I think I’d like to take a few moments to lie here if I may, Mart.” I said.

Martin nodded and stepped away silently, leaving me to the peace of the moment.

I removed my shoes and felt the grass beneath my feet. It was soft and cold, but it warmed my soul. I remembered myself as a child, running through the tall grasses on my family farm with my brother, Tom. He and I would dart off in opposite directions, then with our eyes closed we would drop down under the cover of the long swards. Then, we’d each have to crawl our way back to the center and retrieve a flag where only then could we stand and run to the outside of the field where we were declared safe. The trouble was, we didn’t always know which direction we were heading when we were crawling, so oftentimes we’d find ourselves at the other end of the field and no flag in sight. I chuckled at the thought and could smell the grass and the air as if I were taken back there.

I sat up and stroked the tips of green with my hand. Plucking a piece, I brought it to my nose, and inhaled. I’d always loved the smell of freshly cut grass. It reminded me of getting up early to help my father with chores. I smiled as the sound of his voice echoed in the memory of my ears. I could picture his face with such clarity. Every age line and every crease on his skin that had been added with each new passing year.

This was another advantage to being so close to death. Memories were more vivid, as if I was viewing them with my eyes all over again. I had taken many stills and videos in my mind, yet I could never have fathomed that I would one day be observing these seemingly meaningless moments in an effort to relive my life once again.

I laid back enjoying the breeze and watched the clouds floating on. They reminded me of life- always moving and changing. Always beautiful even when they looked dark and ominous.

It was then that I spotted light-colored bird fly above me, and as it caught the glare of the sun, it looked like an angel. I jolted upright to watch it land on the fence that lined the yard.

It was a barn owl.

My wife’s favorite.

The owl’s eyes met mine and my thoughts rushed to her.

My Eloise.

I felt the familiar pang of grief that I always felt when I thought of her, but it was quickly replaced with a feeling of excitement that we’d soon be reunited.

I closed my eyes and found myself walking down the dark hallway of the morgue four years earlier, trailing the coroner. The pulses of my heart echoed through my ears, and each step I took deafened me. I’d received a call only an hour earlier that Eloise had been found lifeless in a hotel room. Confusion, pain and total opposition to the idea that they were talking about my wife were the only emotions I could muster. Every single where, what, why and how scenario ran through my mind as I raced to the coroner’s office to identify her.

My wife.

My Eloise.

Why had she been at a hotel? How did she die? Where was she found and by whom? None of it made sense, despite that she had told me only a few days earlier that she was leaving me.

At first, I was confused, and then became naturally angry that she was leaving. We argued about it over the phone, but it was her final words that reverberated in my brain like cannons.

“I am in love with someone else, Joe.” She said quietly. I could tell it pained her to tell me. But then I heard the faint whisper of the words “I’m sorry” before the line went dead.

When the white sheet was drawn back to reveal her face, I collapsed. Her lips were parted slightly, and her eyes were closed. Her once pink skin was gray and pale. I bent over her lifeless body and laid my head against her as I cried for the loss of my Eloise.

After the police questioned me, they informed me that there were very clear signs of foul play. It didn’t take long before rage filled my body.

I wanted answers, and I wanted to find the person who did this to her and make them pay.

A gust of wind took me by surprise, and I opened my eyes to see the barn owl hadn’t moved. I thought it strange to see one perched on a fence so close to someone, let alone in the daytime.

“Is that you Eloise?” I asked. “Have you come to guide me home?” I smiled.

The owl blinked, and then looked down as if it had set its sights on something.

I watched curiously as it spread its wings and dove down and captured a field mouse with its talons, then flew back to the fence post.

Barn owls seldomly hunted in the daytime, and I couldn’t help but think it was a sign.

I thought back to the few days before Eloise had been murdered. I had done my own digging into who she had fallen in love with. He was a business man named Eric. The more I dug for information, the more I found out about him and their affair, and the more my rage grew.

Eric was married with two children. He lived in a suburban neighborhood with his family and had only ever met Eloise at hotels.

I was certain Eloise hadn’t known of his secret life; or if she did, she’d thought they were dating under different pretenses.

Perhaps he told her he was going to leave his wife for her, but he didn’t. And maybe Eloise had found out about his marriage and confronted him the night she was murdered, and he’d killed her in a fit of rage.

I hadn’t told the police that Eloise had left me. I also never told them that she had been in love with someone else. I wanted to get to him before they could.

But the anger grew inside me like a cancer. I plotted and planned to seek revenge while it engulfed me in its lethal grips.

It was that very poison that was the reason I was sitting here on my final day of life, contemplating the very thought of it.

I opened my eyes again and watched as the owl used its tiny beak to rip the mouse’s skin apart and consume its insides.

It was symbolic somehow. I was like that mouse, being ripped apart into shreds and consumed by my anger and sadness.

By the time I got to Eric, I had already given up on the idea of consequence. As far as I was concerned, I had no reason to live anyway.

There was a lot of danger in that and I knew it.

Not just for me, but for Eric.

He had taken away my wife.

Despite her admittance to her affair, there was no chance at ever reconciling with her.

I heard Martin approach me from behind.

He cleared his throat as he waited.

“I’m sorry Joe, but I have been asked to bring you in for your cake.”

“The doctor is on a tight schedule today, isn’t he?” I asked, smiling softly but not looking back. I felt the wells of my eyes burn and I closed them for a moment.

When I opened them, I saw that the owl had flown off.

“Well then if I am to eat cake, let’s eat cake.”

“You sure you don’t want something to go with it?” Martin asked as we began walking back.

“No, just cake.” I said.

“I never asked why you chose only cake.” Martin said.

“It’s my Eloise’s birthday today.” I said.

Martin’s eyes shuddered for a quick moment as he tried to muster a polite smile.

He said nothing else as we entered through the back door and headed back to my room.

“How are you feeling?” he asked when we got back.

“Ready.” I said with a smile.

He left for a few moments and came back with a cake that looked more luxurious than I could imagine for myself.

I pulled the plate in close and smelled it first. It was heavenly.

Martin cut me a slice and handed it to me, and I asked him to join me.

“No, I think I will let you enjoy that Joe.” He said.

“Please. It would mean a lot to me.” I said.

Martin nodded slightly and sat down and cut himself a piece of the chocolate cake.

We ate in silence, but I could tell that he was enjoying his too.

I smiled as I thrust the last spoonful into my mouth.

It was exactly how I wanted to end not only the day, but my life.

After a few moments of speaking to Martin, the doctor arrived.

We chatted briefly and he explained the procedure. Then he inserted an intravenous catheter into each of my arms.

“Helps to ensure we don’t overload one vein and blow it.” He said with complete frankness.

I watched intently as he stabbed and taped without emotion and wondered how many times he had done this.

After that, I was escorted to the room where I would say my last goodbyes and found there to be a small hospital bed and a window.

The other side of the window was dark, and I wondered what was on the other side.

Following protocol, I was strapped down to the bed first, and then the doctor entered the room and connected lines to my body.

When he was ready, he nodded to Martin.

Another man who I knew as Ryerson, cleared his throat.

The lights on the opposite side of the window flicked on and I could suddenly see my small family and that of Eloise’s.

Scattered among them were a few I didn’t recognize.

“Mr. Joe Carter, you have been sentenced to death for the murders of Eloise Carter and Eric Patterson. You will now be injected with a lethal solution until your heart stops and you are found to be dead. Do you have any last words?” Ryerson declared, loudly.

I looked to my family. All were crying and somber. I offered a smile, but none of them smiled back.

“I will be with you soon, Eloise.” I said, and I laid my head back on my pillow.

Ryerson nodded to Martin who nodded to the doctor.

“Thank you Mart.” I said to him.

He nodded and lowered his eyes.

I felt the solution enter my arm and as it did it felt cold.

I felt a quick jolt of fear, followed by calmness as I looked up to the hospital light above me, and before it faded to black, I saw its wings spread wide- The owl.

My Eloise.