Death On Mt. Crumpit

Every Who knew the Grinch hates Christmas season ,

But a motive for murder? That seemed hardly a reason!

Especially one so horrid, so ghastly and grim

As the one they saw there of Mr. Horace Who-Vim.

The Who-Ville PD, about seven that morning,

Received the call from the butler Who-Gorning ,

So Officer Who-Ver of the Who-Ville PD

Had come to the room to see what he‘d see.

There were signs of struggle throughout the scene:

Two spilled cups of water and a broken tureen,

The Who-father clock was broken and done

The hands on it’s face read a quarter to one.

And poor Mr. Horace was tied with bright ribbons

to a custom boing-bounder he bought from Who-Gibbons.

And it seemed that the weapon used for the assault,

Was a bright gold foo-flounder he kept stored in Who-Vault.

But the thing Who-Ver thought the most horrible sight

Was the face of poor Horace locked stricken with fright .

“What Who could have done it?” Thought Who-Ver aloud,

“This thing in Who-Ville should not be allowed!”

“It must be the grinch,” said Who-ficer Lee,

“It must be the grinch, who else could it be?

Just look at the face of poor Mr. Who-vim:

None but the Grinch could so frighten a victim!

And look, look look here! What’s this on his sleeve?

It’s a tuft of green fur- what more can we believe?!

For three years and twenty he’s despised all our glee ,

So HE must have murdered Mr. Who-bilee!

It’s clear that his head is not screwed on all right-

Let’s go up and catch him and lock him up tight!”

But Officer Who-Ver thought the motive too small

And thought hating Christmas seemed no reason at all.

For Who-Ver was certain t’was Christmas Grinch hated:

The joy and laughter and Who-Ville elated-

The music, the presents, the season of joys

And the Who-Children playing with merry new toys.

Who-Ver was certain Grinch wouldn’t harm Who’s

But as Who-Ville PD he would see through the ruse.

“Perhaps you are right,” Said Who-Ver to Lee,

“We must go up Mount Crumpit to see what we see.

But first let us speak to the Whos living nearby,

To PROVE someone guilty we must certainly try.

They first went to the neighbor, old Who-Bert Fitzgivens,

But all he could say is he loved pretty ribbons.

Next was the tailor whose shop was next door,

He said he’d thought he’d heard a crash on the floor

Sometime past midnight, perhaps close to one,

He’d been up for some water for his poor sickly son.

Next Ellen Who-Ellen thought she heard someone shouting,

But thought she’d been dreaming of somebody pouting.

And the rest of the neighbors, like Helen Who-Show,

Said they were sleeping and just didn’t know.

So on up Mount Crumpit the brave duo marched,

The wind roaring so fiercely the snow peak seemed parched.

Soon they arrived at the Grinch’s front door-

But they paused just a moment, they’d never been there before.

“I suppose we should knock,” Said Who-ficer Lee,

“Though he’s the Grinch we should show Who-vility.”

So they knocked. And they knocked and they

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKED!

But all that they heard as the cold winter blowing

And the white puffy clouds sent snow on down snowing.

“I’m sorry, you Grinch,” Called Who-ficer Who-Ver

“We’ll have to use our forced entry man-who-ver!”

But just as they readied to break down the door,

Lee thought they should try just one thing more:

He reached to the handle and gave it a jiggle,

Then gave it a push and it started to wiggle-

The door swung right open! What a pleasant surprise,

But when they entered the cave they couldn’t believe their eyes :

There in the center of a great Grinchy Hall

was a massive old pine tree immeasurably tall!

But not standing upright with bangles and trim ,

But fallen right over like a lumberjack’s whim.

“How strange,” muttered Who-Ver, “the grinch has a tree?

“The Grinch hates the season, so how can this be?”

“Ah, wait!” Said his comrade, “look there in the branches!

A pair of a green feet sticking out like Bon-Banches!”

“Oh, Dear,” Said the duo their hands on their faces,

“Oh, dear dear DEAR DEAR!

This case is more deadly than we would dare fear!

Surely the Grinch couldn’t kill Horace like that,

If his large Christmas tree had squished him all flat!”

“I’ll go right on down,” Said Who-Ver to Lee,

“Maybe there’s evidence down by the tree.”

But all of a sudden came a “BarBa-Balar-arm”

It was the sound of the Whoville Alarm

“Oh! Goodness! My Goodness!” The duo exclaimed

“If that’s something else the grinch cannot be blamed!”

“Let’s go back to Who-Ville,” Said Who-ficer Lee,

“Maybe we’d better let this poor sight be.”

As though in agreement, there came a brief static

And the light on their Who-talkers started flashing all frantic.

“OFFICER WHO-VER,” came a voice through Who-Talker,

“I’m up on Mt. Crumpit, do you need us? Over.”

“Yes, yes you are needed. Come quick as you’re able!

The judge Who-Inston was found dead at his table!”

“We’ll be down in a jiffy,” Said Officer Who-Ver,

“But send to Mt Crumpit team Samson Who-Mover,

There’s much to be seen in the grinch’s cold cave,

Maybe there’s clues to help wrap up this case.”

Who-Ver and Lee and made quick down the mountain,

And waived at team Samson as they passed the Who fountain.

They came to the house of Who-Inston the judge,

And found he was laying face down in some fudge.

The Who-Ville forensics were already there,

So Who-Ver inquired about the affair.

The head of the the team adjusted her papers,

And said, “Mr. Who-Ver here’s the state of the caper:

It seems that Who-Inston gave himself poison ,

Laced in his breakfast of fudge dipped in hoisin.

The main thing of interest is that there’s a note,

Which Mr. Who-Inston apparently wrote.

It says, “I’m a Who who loves Christmas the best,

And this year I fear I have failed the test.

When Who-Vim was given his tenth Who-bilee

I felt that the honor should have gone to me

I went to his house a little past midnight

But he wouldn’t see that I earned the right-

In a moment of fury, I snapped and I killed him-

And my guilt is too much from this terrible whim.

I can’t bear the knowledge of this horrible thing,

So I’m eating this poison with my morning routine.

Apologies all for harming this season

I have no excuse, but that is my reason.”

“A curious letter,” thought Who-Ver aloud,

“But I think we are closer to clearing this cloud.”

“Do you mean this confession,” Said Who-ficer Lee,

“Makes this whole business as clear as can be?”

“Not in the slightest,” Said Who-Ver with a smile,

“Not till I’ve thought through this matter awhile.

There’s still something missing, a piece to be found;

This doesn’t explain why grinch hair was around.

I’m starting to think, to question to wonder-“

Suddenly came Who-Talker static like thunder.

“Yes, this is Who-Ver,” Who-Ver spoke nice and clear

“This is team Samson, we found something here.”

And the team then explained what they had discovered,

“Eureka!” Cried Who-Ver, “Then all has been covered!

Our next step in this matter we’ll handle with care,

And we’ll lay out our trap without a moment to spare.”

A short while later Who-Ver met with the press,

And said, “There’s a solution to this terrible mess:

All is explained in the a letter from Who-Inston,

so we can close up this case as soon as it’s begun.

But now I must speak as the Who-bilee chairman,

So we have no delays in the next Who-bilation!

Horace was named Mr. Who-bilee Cheermeister,

And Who-Inston was second in case of disaster.

Alas, this has happened, so the honor must go,

To the run-runner up: Helen Who-Show.

“Helen,” said Who-Ver, “It’s been quite a day,

I’m sorry that I have to tell you this way:

But since Horace and Who-Insteon are now both gone,

Ms. Who-bilee Cheermeister role you have won.”

The crowd gave a cheer to the pair on the stand,

But Who-Ver soon calmed them by raising his hand.

“Now I must call on our new Guest of Honor,

A friend of poor Horace who we thought was a goner.

He’s known all around, he’s green and he’s blunt,

Now please would you come step to the front?”

And the GRINCH stepped right forward to the front of the crowd

And stood there a moment and glared all around.

“It’s me,” said the Grinch, and he sneered a Grinch sneer,

“Though honestly I’m lucky to be EVEN HERE.

SOMEBODY thought I’d be easy to squish,

But it takes more than a tree to take out a grinch.

I know which Who did it and I’ll tell you all now

If you’ll listen to me I’ll even tell how.

It happened last Tuesday, I came to see Horace

We knew one another from our time in the Who-Vice

I hate all of Who-Ville and Who-Ville hates me,

So I came down quite late in top secrecy.

Hated or welcome, I like it that way,

Otherwise I’d have to hear all the things you Who’s say!

Like “Merry Christmas, it’s such a delight”

Or hear all the songs full of music and light-

And the cheering, or jeering, and the noise!

Oh the Noise NOISE NOISE NOISE!”

“Oh, Grinch,” interrupted a Who, though polite

“I’m sorry, but you said on this matter you’d shed some light? “

“That’s what I’m doing!” Snapped the Grinch right back quick,

“I’ll tell you it simply since you’re all so thick.

I sat down with Horace, about quarter past ten ,

We had drinks and we spoke of the ‘oh way back when’ .

Then we got to the business of a Who-Ville surprise,

He’d borrowed my muscle, you know he was wise,

To get a large tree for this year’s Who-bilee

Which we stored in my cave where no Who could see.

The next phase of his plan was to sneak the tree in,

So it could appear over night near the city fountain.

But Horace seemed different and troubled last night

He said that he wasn’t quite feeling alright

I’d usually stay until quarter past two,

But right around Midnight Horace felt he was through.

We said our good nights and I went on my way,

But since it was early I thought that I’d stay.

I walked around Who-Ville until quarter past one,

And was passing by Horace’s when I was done.

I happened to notice his light was still on,

‘‘Twas strange for I thought he would sleep when I’d gone.

But the moment was stranger as a I happened to see

A figure slip out and look right at me.

I wondered why Horace had company so late ,

But I was too tired to postulate.

I went up my mountain and back to my cave,

When I heard my door opened by some silly knave.

I came round the corner and what did I see?

But Helen Who-Show shoving over my tree!

The tree fell right on me and knocked me right out,

And I didn’t come to until I got pulled out!

So, as much as I’d rather do away with this season,

I won’t stand being squished, no matter the reason!”

While the Grinch had been speaking, Helen turned pale-

And Who-Ver quite gentle took Helen to Jail.

They got full confession of her dastardly murders,

And she felt that her victims too long had hurt her.

Horace had used her for too many years,

To keep up his status as master of cheers.

And Who-Inston knew, but ignored her poor plight,

That’s why she felt killing them served them both right.

She’d planned it all out to make clean the whole matter,

If only the Grinch hadn’t been there to spot her.

She’d thought that the grinch would be easiest to kill,

Since he lived all alone on the top of his hill.

She just didn’t want to leave such loose ends,

She never had thought that the Grinch would have friends.

So all was revealed, and the Who who had done it,

And that was the case of the Death on Mount Crumpit.

********

Thank you for reading! As a general disclaimer, I want to note that this work is inspired by Dr. Seuss’s “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (1957) and is intended as a parodic work for entertainment purposes only. Who-Ville, the Who’s, and The Grinch were all created by Dr. Seuss, and are owned by Dr. Seuss Enterprises.

The cover art is based on the style of Dr. Seuss and is the original work of Judah LoVato.