Case # 659901

Nothing made Hannah feel more alone than looking at her children’s empty bedroom. She stood frozen in the door way was if an invisible barrier was stopping her from going in. Everything was perfectly arranged and neatly organized. She grinned when she imagined her daughters seeing the bookshelf of new toys for the first time. Hannah felt like this room could be in a magazine. She was proud that she was able to save enough money to purchase the new bunk beds for them and even get matching furniture. She daydreamed about how happy her girls will be to finally come home.

Hannah shuffled around her two bedroom duplex quickly making sure everything was in its place. She ran her fingers across the end tables and bookshelves to see if she had missed any dust. When she glanced at the clock she started to feel anxious. 11:15am the clock flashed from the kitchen stove. Checking herself in the living room mirror she tried to calm herself down. She fidgeted with her blouse, straightening the collar and making sure it was buttoned all the way up. She smoothed down her shoulder length brown hair with one hand and then straightened the only piece of gold jewelry that she hadn’t pawned yet around her neck.

11:29am. She heard the sound of her doorbell and was impressed by the punctuality of her 11:30 appointment. Hannah wondered if it was going to be a new person or if by luck, she would actually get to see a familiar face.

“Mrs. Meadows?” The stranger asked her once she opened the door.

“Yes mam.” Hannah replied smiling the best she could while motioning for her to come inside out of the cold. She noticed the snowflakes on her jacket and offered her a warm cup of coffee that she had just brewed for this meeting.

“Thank you. I am Karen Mitchell from the Department of Family Services. I am your new case manager.” Ms. Mitchell specified very professionally. She glanced around Hannah’s home as she took off her coat and folded it neatly across the back of the kitchen chair. “I am here to conduct your three month quarterly review.” She informed her as she set down her tattered brown briefcase on the kitchen table and proceeded to sit down.

Hannah tensely poured the two cups of coffee and tried her best not to spill anything. She felt like Ms. Mitchell was watching her every move. She quickly glanced over as she was arranging the sugar and creamer on the serving tray, and noticed that her new case manager was absorbed in the pile of paperwork that she had just pulled out of her briefcase. Hannah carefully set down everything as delicately as possible and sat across from her new case manager.

“So when are the girls coming home?” Hannah blurted out before the first question was even asked. She had been through this type of meeting before. She knew what questions she was going to be asked before her case manager even had the chance.

Ms. Mitchell glanced up from the paperwork that she had just organized and paused before answering.

“Well, Mrs. Meadows. I am here to review your case and submit the appropriate paperwork to the judge. It is his decision as to if and when your girls come home. It is under my recommendation and the reports from your therapist that he will base his decision.”

Her response almost seemed rehearsed as though she had read it off a queue card a thousand times. Hannah felt like she was just another case number to her new Case Manager.

“I understand that, but I have been doing everything that I was told to do!” Hannah responded quickly trying not to seem too desperate. She couldn’t bear the thought of her case getting lost in the shuffle and having to wait another three months to have another new case manager at her door.

“Well that is what I am here to discuss. Are you still working?” She asked Hannah without even making eye contact. She was focused on the long check list of questions in front of her. Just another number Hannah thought again.

Ms. Mitchell went down the list of the questions that Hannah has had to endure for the past two years. She described the two jobs she was working as a cashier and also a library assistant. She described the hours and days she worked. She discussed the parenting classes that she completed last month and the counseling sessions that she had to attend. Hannah tried her hardest to not seem too annoyed and kept her answers simple and to the point. She had learned the hard way to not divulge too much information to anyone. Ms. Mitchell even asked about how much she paid in rent, if she had any savings in the bank, and even asked what sort of recreational activities she liked to do after hours. Hannah always felt violated after these meetings. Women of all ages and nationalities would come in and out of her home, looking at her used furniture, inspecting her home, even peeking in her kitchen cabinets and fridge. Nothing in her life was private, at least not anymore. She watched Ms. Mitchell write notes on the paperwork and she was hoping that she was putting down….. “Seems stable…not a threat to herself or others…home seems warm and adequate to meet the needs of her children.”

Hannah fantasized briefly about how impressed the court will be when they read her report. She watched Ms. Mitchell walk through her home and complement how nice and clean everything was. Hannah was excited that she noticed and thought how close she was to finally having Abrielle and Addison come home. The only time she gets to see them is twice a month during her supervised visits. For eight hours a month she would try to make the best out of every minute. In the beginning the visits were almost unbearable. They always ended too soon. And when they did end, her girls were in tears being pulled away from her by the same emotionless officer. The officer would sit in the corner of the room the entire visit watching Hannah and her children interact. Hannah was never allowed to take them anywhere and they have never seen their new home in person. This meant everything to her. She had to have them home for Christmas. She couldn’t stand the thought of another holiday without them. It was hard enough to think that she was not allowed by her ex-husband to even see them for their 7th birthdays this year.

“Well thank you for your time Mrs. Meadows. I will call you in a few days and let you know if your weekend visitation request is approved.” Ms. Mitchell’s voice snapped Hannah from thinking anymore about her ex-husband. She felt flustered for a moment as she thanked her for coming as if she really meant it, and quickly closed the door behind her.

Hannah watched the face she will never see again, walk carefully down her driveway in the snow to her car. Hannah’s breath was starting to fog up the window as she watched this woman who had the fate of her children in her hands drive away. Her mind raced back to her ex-husband John. She blamed everything on him. She was the mother. How could they take her children away from her?

“Girls need their mothers.” She told herself quietly.

Days dragged by for Hannah. Every hour seemed like an eternity. Just when she was about to give up hope she got the phone call she had been praying for.

“Mrs. Meadows?” Hannah recognized the voice immediately.

“Hello Ms. Mitchell!” Hannah tried her hardest to not sound too excited.

“I am happy to inform you that you have been approved for a day pass with Abigail and Addison.” Ms. Mitchell was not giving off the feeling at all of being happy for anyone. She was going down her usual checklist of phone calls. It didn’t matter to her if Hannah ever saw her children. She wasn’t an advocate! She just filed the appropriate paperwork as she did with all of her other cases.

“A day pass?” Hannah almost choked on the words, “I am only going to get them for a day?”

“Well the judge feels that due to your mental health history, that the girls need to be transitioned slowly back into your home.” These words seemed to roll very easily off her case manager’s tongue. “Your last suicide attempt was only two years ago.” She paused as if she was having trouble reading someone else’s handwriting in her case file. “And you mentioned last year to your previous case manager that you were having suicidal thoughts after your divorced was finalized.”

Hannah felt like her whole body was about to go numb. She tried to think positive and be happy that she didn’t have to see her children in front of an officer. That after two years, she will actually be able to let them see their new room. So many thoughts raced through her mind as Ms. Mitchell reviewed the terms of the day pass. Hannah would occasionally make a sound to let her know that she was still on the phone, but she wasn’t listening. She could only see her ex-husband John, laughing at her, mocking her, reminding her that she will never have them all to herself When she finally hung up the phone with Ms. Mitchell she ran into the bathroom and frantically searched through her medicine cabinet. She grabbed the pill bottle with the label stating “For Anxiety” and quickly popped two pills in her hand. Hannah stared at the pills and then looked at herself in the mirror.

Her makeup had started to stream down her face. “Look at yourself” she told her reflection in the mirror.

“You are pathetic!” she screamed as she tossed the pills in the toilet. She knew she had to do something. She couldn’t go on like this. She couldn’t let John continue to do this to her. Hannah knew at that moment that she had to do something other than working with the system.

“He can’t have them forever. Girls need their mothers!” she cried to herself.

“Mommy!” Abigail and Addison scream with delight as they ran and jumped into Hannah’s arms. She held them both tightly and didn’t want to ever let them go. She already felt the clock ticking on their time together. She looked up to see her ex-husband John standing at the end of her driveway staring at them. Hannah felt her stomach flip as if she was going to be sick. She hadn’t seen him in over a year and now he was only a few feet away holding the kids backpacks.

“Well hello there Hannah, long time no see.” John said in the most condescending tone.

His voice sent shivers down her spine. She noticed the new sports car he was standing next to. Which she was certain he was proud to show off. He always loved to flash his daddy’s money. The girls had already hurried past Hannah and into the house anxious to finally see the toys that she had told them about so many times before.

“Enjoy this while you can darling, because I will make sure this will never happen again. You are crazy as hell and always will be.” John informed her casually as he handed her their back packs.

“Nice to see you too, John.” Was the only thing that Hannah could say. She was weak around him, a coward. She forced a smile as she extended her hand for the back packs.

“You don’t have me fooled.” He said sternly before turning around to his car.

The afternoon with her daughters was wonderful. Hannah never wanted it to end. But she knew the time would come when John would be at her door with his wicked smile. She tried not to think about him and let him spoil the precious time she had with him. She knew deep down that this was how it was going to be forever. He had money to drag her back and forth to court just for the fun of it. He loved making her miserable and it seemed as though he had made it his life’s mission to ruin her. The twins played with their new toys in the living room while Hannah prepared their dinner. To Hannah it was their last meal together. She knew what she had to do. It was what she had been planning to do if she was ever put in this position.

“He would win. He always does.” She said to herself quietly.

She carefully stirred in the pills that she had been saving for the past few months into the spaghetti sauce. She told herself as she watched the medication dissolve. “Girls need their mothers. They really do. They can't live without me.”

She smiled as she watched Abigail and Addison skip to the table with their new dolls.

“Dinner is ready” Hannah informed them as she portioned out their plates. “The first one to finish everything on their plate gets a surprise.”