Cannibal Competent

Here’s a pro tip for all the straight guys: When your girlfriend (or fuck buddy) asks you to eat her, she doesn’t mean like a hamburger. That should go without saying, but here we are. 36-year-old Joseph Oberhansley apparently did not get that memo as he is accused of raping, killing, and eating his ex-girlfriend’s corpse. Maybe killing her worked up an appetite?

When Tammy Jo Blanton broke up with Oberhansley, she probably figured that he would be upset for a while and then he would get over it. That’s how most breakups go. There are horror stories about an ex stalking or harassing, a few accounts of what could be called "if I can’t have you" syndrome. Oberhansley heard these stories and said, “hold my beer!”

It is alleged that Oberhansley (also known as the Cannibal Killer) broke into Blanton’s home, hacking his ex with an electric saw. That’s bad. A crime that would land the defendant in jail for a very long time, after they were convicted. That was not enough though; it was as if Oberhansley wanted to go out as a legend. To that end, he cut open her skull and feasted on her brain. He did the same to her heart and lungs. Maybe this is the “Monster” that Lady Gaga was singing about on the fan favorite song, “He ate my heart, and then he ate my brain.”

Now that the song is ruined for everyone, it’s time to focus on the justice system. Raping, murdering, and eating an ex is illegal. However, lawyers for Oberhansley successfully argued, in October 2017, that he was not competent to stand trial. His lawyers wrote that “He is suspicious, paranoid, uncommunicative, and agitated.” Furthermore, they alleged that there was a “complete breakdown” when they tried to talk to him. The judge agreed with them, and he was sent to a mental facility to undergo competency restoration treatments. Doctors have sent a message to the court that the treatment is finished and the defendant is ready to stand trial. The court will decide the matter in a matter of days, but it is expected that they will follow the recommendation of the doctors.

Which is music to the prosecutor’s ears. Clark County District Attorney, Jeremy Mull said, “I had hoped that it would be tried before now. But my main priority is getting a verdict that is going to stand, that is going to survive appeal.” Does this mean he expects a guilty verdict with cries of insanity after?

If so, it would be prudent to point out that this was not Oberhansley’s first murder. At the time of Blanton’s murder, he was out on parole for the murder of another girlfriend. The serial killer had shot Sabrina Elder, who was only 17 at the time, in a drug-fueled jealous rage. Then there was the time that he also threatened to kill his mother and sister. There was also the attempt (during the same time he threatened his mom and sister) to give himself a partial lobotomy. Maybe insanity isn’t far-fetched.

Imagine being the cops that were called to the scene. Walking into a murder scene must be hard enough, it takes a strong person to see blood splattered and not vomit. This scene not only had a naked woman but there was also a plate of skull bones and other arteries that Oberhansley did not finish eating. Even the strongest of stomach had to have sunk at the scene. What would cause a person to take a fun, pop song literally? The only one who knows for sure is Oberhansley. Straight guys, please don’t take your lady friends seriously when she requests oral sex. She wants pleasure, not to be your next meal.