You’re the only one that knows me

There was times where I found my mind wandering off, imagining a life beyond my own. I am happily married to a man that does anything to keep me content, but my heart continues to feel as if something is missing. I knew what it was, but it wasn’t something that I could have… that forbidden urge kept lingering deep within my soul. My husband was such a wonderful man, he still is a loving and caring gentleman; why is it that I still want more?

From the moment I met him, he fed my heart all the love it could possibly need; he nourished my desire to be cared for. This man would kiss the ground I walked on, worshipped me, and would do anything that I would ask. Maybe it was too easy… maybe I still wanted that little bit of deception and mischief in my life. Sometimes I feel damaged, like I don’t deserve him, but then I realize this is what I’ve needed the whole time. Honey… if you ever read this, I’m sorry, I just have to be honest with myself.

Without giving too much away, letting the imagination run wild, I will say that you were the worst of the poisons, the worst of my vices, and the best of the worst. Every time you’re on my mind, I can’t help to bite my bottom lip, daydream about the days that I was able to taste you, then seeing you turn around and tell me to leave. Why do I like this so much? Why do I want this so bad? You would pick me up, put me on the kitchen counter, put your dominant hand on my chest, forcefully lay me down, and start doing all these things that I enjoyed knowing they were wrong. After you were finished, you’d pick up your boxers from around your ankles, pick up my bra and panties, and tell me to leave… it was over, yet I wanted more. Very obediently, I would obey, not wanting to upset you, worried more about your feelings than my own. You were the thing I felt I couldn’t live without… knowing I had to go home and shower before my husband got home, wash away the deceit off of my body, the look of lust off of my face… your kisses off of my neck. I wondered if he knew I had wandered off with you, I wondered if he felt the misdirection of my feelings towards him when he went to hold my hand. What would he do if he found out?

I didn’t care, this could’ve gone on forever, I could’ve lost my everything, and would’ve been satisfied with my decisions… but the thoughts that went through my mind was, “how would I survive without having my financial support?”, “would I be able to manage without him?”, “what if I lost you and him at the same time?” Not a single thought of love, compassion nor regard for what I was doing, only selfishly concerned about myself. It was as if I was emotionally disconnected from my husband, that our marriage no longer mattered to me. My sinful venture must go on, in hopes that I will finally find what I’ve been longing for.

The last night I saw you, I sent you a message asking what you were doing… a little past the hour, you responded saying, “baby girl, I miss you doing the nasty things you do to me… can’t stop thinking about you… come over Sofia”. Wondering who this woman was… Sofia… who is she?! That wasn’t my name… must’ve gotten me confused while messaging someone else. I was furious… distraught… speechless. I just wanted to rush to my car and drive to your place so I can ask you face to face who she was! But, I looked over my shoulder and realized my husband was sleeping next to me, his arm wrapped around me… he’s a heavy sleeper so I didn’t worry about him waking up. I replied back like I was this Sofia… “want me to come now?”, you said “yes… hurry… I need you.” So, as any woman would do in my position… I got up, got dressed (with a red lace bra and panty underneath my t-shirt and sweat pants), and quietly went out the door. Now, the next part of this story may be a bit much for anyone reading this… keep reading at your own discretion.

Getting in the car, I’m having second thoughts about going to see you, asking myself: “what if my husband woke up and didn’t find me laying next to him?” This had been the only concerning thought that went through my mind all day, nothing else. So, as I was leaving the driveway, I see the porch light turn on… my husband opening the door, rubbing his eyes from just waking up… he walks over and asks “honey… is everything ok?” Not knowing what to say, thoughts raising, heart pounding, hands sweating… you called me while my phone was on my lap, your contact name showing on my Caller ID as “daddy”, my husband glances over and asks with a shaken voice, “who’s that?” Without a moment to spare, all I can think to say was “I have an emergency… I have to go!” My husband knowing that my dad’s number was saved under a different name, he had a lost look in his eyes like he was trying to figure it out. He muttered, “I knew it would come to this, but I was hopeful that I was wrong.” In an instant… he broke out in rage, fueled by the underlying emotions of knowing there was something going on and his feelings of denial… he harshly opens the car door and pulls me out. At the moment, my passion for him came back, strangely enjoying the way he was handling me, dragging me back into the house.

I realized I was damaged, broken, grossly amused… the little girl that grew up in an abusive home; seeing daddy beating mommy, then sneaking into my room when she would fall asleep, he would do things that daddies shouldn’t do to their children. I was little, didn’t know better… I didn’t know what he was doing to me. He took the innocent out of me, I grew up thinking that it was normal. I grew up thinking that anyone that liked being called “daddy” was allowed to do inappropriate things to me. My husband properly introduced me to respect, tenderness, and love. He was the only man that didn’t take advantage of my destructive behavior. I should be more appreciative.

While he yelled at me, his eyes filling with tears, I had a moment of realization as to why I fell in love with him in the first place; it was that look in his eyes. The look of security and tranquility… he was the only man that made me feel safe. At that moment, every other man, including you, didn’t matter. I learned that night, that you wouldn’t be able to give me what this man gives me. You superficially satisfy my needs, but aren’t what I need. I’m done with this false sense of desire.

To my husband… you’re the only one that knows me… you will never be replaced.