You,Me And A Whole Big World

My True Life Confessions : A Recovering Woman Who Lived With Eating Disorders

In many cases we all have reasons to loose weight, gain weight or in our minds, feeling really great about ourselves.

In my case (as many genders), it started at a very young age. I was young, I had a lot of insecurities (especially at being a perfectionist and fitting in with others). I would take boxes and boxes of chocolate turtles, my dad was given as gifts for his job. I was very thin, thinner than the majority of the children my age.

Hiding secretly (without others knowing), I hid in the closet of our piano room. On the floor, one box at a time, putting them neatly away and rewrapping them. "I felt wonderful." (Or did I?) Not when I got caught.

Modelling - The Pressures Of Loosing Weight

I was given a wonderful opportunity of modelling for a magazine. Over and above my job working on computers. The money was awesome, the clothing were so beautiful and modelling in different cities was fun.

When I looked in the mirror I seen a woman with muscles and not a thin, tiny individual. Just how awesome I looked.

The modelling company insisted (at that time) we had to be 100 pounds. I started going to the gym and eating less but than it got worse, I got dangerously ill. From laxatives to throwing up, my doctor said at 114 pounds , I needed help.

After going to a counsellor, we talked about my modelling career, my future goals and possibly what kind of things were bothering me.

I had explained that I knew at that time ,I was a perfectionist (always wanting to do the best, be the best). The councillor told me that I was very hard on myself and that the illness I had was a serious eating disorder. At the rate that I was going there would be serious health issues and the possiblities of even death.

Just to hear the word "death" terrified me, more than you have to be 100 pounds. Trust me don't let anybody ever force you to be anybody but yourself, healthy and happy.

Getting back on track, I journalled everyday of my life, I took and still take a mild antidepressant and it can be chanllenging as my eating habits turned to a completely different direction.

Success And Loneliness

After I was married and riased my children, worked for a computer company and had a day care, life really went into a different direction.

From a serious car accident, court hearings and living in fear (constant flashbacks from the accident - especially with a small child in the car). I started to fear, live with anzieties and the inability to go anywhere.

To take my fears away, I would eat boxes and boxes of all kinds of food. If someone came to the door to sell something, I would buy the whole box and sit and eat it. (even worse when the children were selling)

My mood became very depressed - still going to see my counsellor, spent time in the hospital. Working hard to feel worthy, to know it wasn't my fault, the other driver was charged and we were given a settlement.

Moving From Our Hometown - To The City

This was a very big challenge, especially for our children. They both went to the same high school they had went to before. Yet the city was so big, they told you they were at a friends place (mothers do worry), you had no idea where the friend lived. You just sat there and had to have faith.

I was use to living in a really beautiful town - Paris, Ontario. All of my life, we all use to watch out for each other and most of all my family and many friends lived there.

Moving To The City In The beginning was really hard.

I finally found a job at the mall not far from where we lived. I loved it, working in sales was one of the best jobs I had ever had. To this very day I still wished I could have stuck it out and continued in the store. Great co-workers, with the exception of one very ill - Manager.

I kept reporting to the Head Office to let them know she was ill - kept disappearing and clocking in hours when she wasn't there. I would get calls in the middle of the night from her, begging me to work for her (she just couldn't go to work) so many reasons. It really was sad - I felt bad for her. But enough was enough and I had to leave. I had a severe stroke -thankful to the doctors- I am so grateful to be alive.

After three months in the hospital, continued therapy. I can talk now, walk now but most of all. I won't be able to go back to the store, (the company closed up). I have been blessed to stay in touch with wonderful co-workers and customers especially with the computer.

This is when loneliness really got the best of me. I was eating to cope. I was eating from the time I got up until I went to bed, including my meals.

The counsellor told me a lot of people who grew up in the years of depression, eat for the joy of eating. Something they didn't have in their lives becomes something very special to them. In my case I was filling a big void.

The void was friendship, feeling needed and most of all what if anything I could do for the rest of my life.

The Writer - From Songs To Books To Poetry

Joining a local writers group was the best thing I could ever do for myself. I met people that had passion in writing, a few New York Best sellers and others that just loving new things. This was the place I needed to be.

My husband was so supportive, giving me encouragement and emotional help, when needed. We went out on date nights together, walked the trails and soon I found so many other passions (like photography).

I know there are many people, who may have an eating disorder, not aware of having one.

Remember - You Are Never Alone. You always have someone to talk to. Most of all you can write your feelings down.

This is and will always be my quote -

"I once wrote to cope" - "

Now I write to give others hope".