Words Unsaid

No one ever prepares you for the loss of someone so sigificant at a young age. No one expects you to lose a parent at a young age, so why would you need to prepare? But the one thing I wish I would've known is how you felt leaving this earth at 40-years-old. Leaving your family, and friends, behind. Never being able to watch the rest of your grandchildren be born, grow-up, etc.

People tell you, "tell them you love them as much as you can", and the one thing I was not prepared for was never being able to let you know how much I love you again. Living this life without for seven years, I've been able to think of nothing else besides the fact that I didn't tell you I love nearly as much as I should have. So, do you even know that I love you so dearly? Miss you more than I could've ever imagined I'd need to?

February 2nd has, and will continue to be, one of the worst days of my life. Waiting for you to call me and ask to get my kids, because I know you would've absolutely adored them (and spoiled them, even after many protests from me). Needing a shoulder to cry on and being able to call you and get advice from you, because everyone knows you went through Hell and back when you were here.

What would you say to me today? Would I even be where I am right now if we hadn't lost you when we did? As much as I wish I could come home and sit next to you, talk to you, or even hug you, I may not have the best things that ever happened to me if you had stayed; my three beautiful kids.

Jayce doesn't have much of a personality, but I know he will be as down to earth as you were. Being there for everyone, he already tries to console Lexie when she cries and it makes me so happy. Although he will be down to earth most of the time, I know that he will also be the instigator; basically he will be a version of Deeva (she's probably gonna be mad at me when she see's this... and try to deny it).

You would probably laugh at Anley's attitude, apparently she is an exact replica of me when I was little? I personally thought I was an angel growing up, but whatever (I'm laughing at my own sentence, trust me). I got my work cut out for me with this child, she is a firecracker and has so much energy I have no idea what to do with it. Her attitude is something I was completely unprepared for. But, she has your beautiful eyes and constantly reminds me of you when I look into them. It makes me think that you knew I needed a reminder that you are here with me, so you put a little bit of yourself into her.

Lexie is all smiles right now, which is a relief for me. I'm hoping she will be a version of Taylor, nice and always trying to suck up (Sorry not sorry, Taylor. You were the suck of the three of us). At least then I'd know I won't have any issues with her like I do the other two. Lol.

I know that you won't read this, and it also isn't much of a confession to you. But I hope you know how much I love and miss you, and that I will forever make sure my kids know all about their Grandma Roxann. Keep smiling down on us, angel.