Why I Stay Home...Where Nothing Ever Happens

If you’re a person that suffers from crippling social anxiety, then you understand how difficult it is to find the courage to leave the comfort of your home and venture into the outside world.

Leaving my home to accomplish small tasks like grocery shopping, getting gas or being in a situation that requires me to be in a large group of humans can be frightening .

The current state of world affairs (RONA) has given space for my social anxiety to flourish, which is not exactly a good thing. In 2020, we were all quarantined and everyone stayed home. It was an introvert’s wet dream.

It’s safe to conclude that 2020 was a year of enlightenment for most people. I feel that as a collective we grew to understand the value of stillness and solitude. However, for myself personally, I had come to the realization that there’s a difference between introversion and reclusion.

I’d spent the majority of my life living as a recluse out of fear of judgement and social rejection. So by the time 2021 rolled around, I made a goal to spend more time out and about in public spaces.

I went online and I looked up local food trucks in my city, and I came across the perfect vegan diner on wheels and told myself that this it, we’re doing it and we’re not taking our food home, we’re going to eat outside, in front of people.

This was a major milestone for me, considering that I’ve never been a person that liked sitting down in a restaurant to eat; you can blame DoorDash for that.

DoorDash requires less interaction and I don’t have to worry about telling a waiter “you too” after being told to enjoy my meal.

I went out of my way to wear something nice and I actually ironed my clothes, major move because my laundry rarely makes it past the pile stage. I put on my best lip gloss and I was feeling extremely good about myself and I was ready to conquer the world.

I studied the menu ahead of time and I gave myself a pregame pep talk before leaving my car. Shoulders back, eye contact, smile (though you’re wearing a mask and no one will actually see your smile), you got this!

It felt surreal for me. I even recall hearing Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” playing in my head.

I walk up to the food truck and this almost perfect moment was ruined because I released the loudest fart known to man

I hate to have to go into detail about the communication that occurs between my butt cheeks, but I have to tell the entire truth and paint a full picture here.

It started off as a careless whisper and slowly morphed into a trumpeting, catastrophic windstorm.

I was stunned. The conversations around me came to a halt. Embarrassed, isn’t even the right word to describe exactly how I felt in that moment.

I so desperately wanted to become an ostrich and bury my head in the sand. I thought the only way I’d be able to move past this moment was to sleep for 20 years like Rip Van Winkle and wait for a new society to crop up.

Fight or flight mode was in full effect and similar embarrassing scenarios from my childhood began to flood my mind. Like the time I barfed my guts out on stage during a Christmas recital at age 7, or when I gave a 30 minute science presentation in front of at least 50 of my peers with my fly down in 8th grade.

The owner of the food truck smiled and asked if I needed more time to look over the menu. Mind you, I had spent at least 60 seconds spiraling down a rabbit hole of my own anxious thoughts. However, instead of retreating, I placed my order and sat down and waited for my food.

Was I uncomfortable? Yes. Was I thinking of escape plans while waiting for my food? Yes. Was I fearful of breaking wind again? Hell yes.

However, sometimes those super cringe worthy and embarrassing moments in our life make awesome memories down the road.

I’d been accustomed to living in fear of rejection for so long that I forgot that life is short and there are memories to be built.

This year’s theme is: main character energy. Being the main character in your life is coming to the realization that you are in control of your own happiness, and small moments like what I experienced at the food truck in the grand scheme of things, simply just doesn’t matter. You either have a choice to allow a singular uncomfortable moment in your life to control the narrative of the rest of your story or you can choose to write it off as something that you’ll probably laugh about 5 years later.

This embarrassing moment was the catalyst for me to step out of isolation and allow myself to become more visible in the world. I figured if I can survive passing gas in front of a dozen people, I can survive going to the grocery store, going to the gym, going out to more restaurants and maybe even traveling out of state or to a foreign country. The possibilities are endless.

The universe truly works in mysterious ways. In hindsight, I am appreciative for that day. And, if you ask me, fart stories make an interesting conversation piece.