All the guys I seem to date in the bay area are not emotionally available.
I blocked Fred because he didn't want a serious relationship.
When I almost was intimate with the Capricorn, he ghosted me after. He said I was rushing him because I wanted sex but he didn't feel he had enough time, or that was an excuse. I don't get it.
The white boy Daniel was in love with another asian girl even tho he kissed me. The other white boy just broke up with his long term girlfriend and literally posted dont catch feelings, he catches flights.
Maybe I just don't deserve love. Is that what the universe is trying to tell me by sending me all these emotionally unavailable men?
Am I not worthy of happiness?
Cody could never be verbal and expressive of his feelings for me and that always hurt me and was the reason it could never be a long-term thing even tho I felt loved through his actions.
Everyone I date currently has just been hurting me and it really makes me question if anything is worth it and if I should just stay in bed and be a hermit for the rest of my life. Maybe that really is the better option.
It feels like most men want to use me for sex. And I hate that feeling. I really like cuddling and I do enjoy sex, but I want it to be with someone that I feel comfortable with and genuinely enjoy and trust. Why can't I trust any of them?
It's just not fair. I just want to be loved and to be have trust between me and my partner. I want someone who will try to stay connected with me always and cares about our relationships progression and won't freak out that we are progressing it. I fucking hate it. I just want someone who is willing to put in the effort with me. I fucking hate it.
I also ghosted a corvette guy recently because his dick wouldn't work. He blamed it on nerves but after Fred I've honestly been traumatized and don't believe it will get better with time anymore.
At the moment I have 2 dates for this week, one with a guy who looks like someone from 365 days and another who is a typical white boy. It's easier to plan dates then to meet with friends, how sad is that.
I also typically don't spend money on dates which is why I prefer them.
Fun Things I've Done
-hosted a murder mystery party for the first time
-have my first pair of wooden earrings
-participated in my first bar crawl
-invited to work dinner due to my numbers
-tried Hawthore club
What I will do:
-host my first bar crawl in Castro (I have never barhopped there)
-host pumpkin carving
-go to Nashville and Miami for the first time
-see my friend Campbell for the first time in years (pre-covid, 2019?)
-visit Philly as a 23 year old vs as a 17 year old!
-go to Ecuador
-visit Portland since 2018?
I finally paid off my debt! Isn't is crazy how I'm never satisfied with myself.
Now my next goal is to save at minimum 5000 in savings by the end of 2022. By the end of this month, I should have a minimum of 2,000 saved.
Everything takes time. Losing weight took time. Building wealth took time.
In 2023, I want to become a bottle girl and add that experience to my bucket list. I want to see how much in tips I can get.
I would love to make new friends from that with the other girls as well, while building my wealth! New goals!
I just want to be able to have fun while building up my goals. I do not want to be stuck like covid, not growing at all. I want to have fun while keeping busy and keeping track.