Why Can't I Remember

I can't, I can't remember the first kiss, the time that our lips met for the first time. When we approached each other and our lips touched. I remember talking and seeing your soul in your eyes, just before they closed. Your lips closed the distance to mine as mine closed the distance to yours. I remember that, but I don't remember the kiss. The3re seems to have been so much more involved in it than imprinted in my mind. It was if our lives and the possibility of love obscured the beginning. My lips touched yours the softness enveloped me and transported my soul and my feelings to another place.

From that first touch, I did fall in love, I fell so deeply that for a while I forgot myself. I was like a walking ghost, thinking only of you. I could not bring myself into the foreground. In my mind I was hazy, I tried to think, I tried to do the day to day things that I needed to do, but you were there. This is what love is, this is what that first kiss did to me.

Time passed and I grew uneasy, being out of myself as I felt I was. I knew that I needed to be present and I tried to be. I didn't fight the feelings I relaxed my mind and slowly I came back to myself. The full haze of love left me and I began to fear, the loss of personality. Where I was vulnerable to emotional weaknesses. I became withdrawn, seeking to protect myself, from the feelings that I now perceived as feelings of helplessness. How quickly the feelings exchanged places in my mind. I was afraid, afraid that I would lose myself, that I would not be the happy-go-lucky guy that I had been before. I couldn't remember the exatacy that I had felt when my mind, self, and soul had been transported into a realm of love. I tried to go along with my life, to see the days pass and ignore the loneliness that was there the aloneness that I subjected myself to. But the feelings of love haunted me, I could not shake them I could not disbelieve the need that I felt. I knew there was something missing. My soul knew that I was missing you. I was forced to understand that I had to revisit the feelings that I had experienced that time when we kissed.

I called but you were not at home. I called again thinking that perhaps I had called the wrong number, but still no answer. It never occured to me that there was a system of identifying who was calling and identifying the caller. It never dawned on me that I might be on a list of those whose calls were not acceptable. It had only been a few days that I had been afraid of losing myself. That could not be the reason, I thought.

My feelings were that I missed her, I did and the feelings were growing stronger. They were eating into my ego, I felt that I needed her, wanted her. Wanted the feelings of love that I had had. I didn't know what to do. How to do or where to do it.

After a while, still feeling the loss I sat back in my chair and just looked at the phone, waiting for a call back expecting that some way she would call knowing that I needed it, the call to make me feel whole again. I waited and no call came. It was as if my world did not exist, I did not exist. I suffered through these feelings until time had passed, enough that the rawness began to temper and I no longer felt the burn of rejection. I sat there and thought, What and how I had failed in this whole thing. I didn't think that I had waited too long to declare what I felt, of course not. It couldn't be me. I knew that it was me though I knew that the time that I was going through the feelings of bliss and then the feelings of myself had spanned a period that exceeded the natural space that love could bloom and grow. I wonder if I will do that again or will I let love and happiness develope as it should.