Why can I not get myself to write?

Right, I have the title, I have the subtitle, I have the cover photo, I have a question to explore. Now what?

I just finished listening to a podcast about love, desire, and attachment by Andrew Huberman, a professor of neuroscience and opthalmology at the University of Stanford in San Francisco. Now I am listening to a podcast by David Tennant with Neil Gaiman, do I even need to introduce them? I am definitely inspired.

And yet, putting these words in order is costing me a considerable effort.

Will this be of any consequence or use to anyone? Am I wasting time that I could use to fix my self-employment tax situation or to market myself as a hairdresser in useful ways that could bring me actual clients and actual livelihood? Am I distracting myself from other more prominent talents I might have, like drawing, music-making, or acting? Actually, to be honest, I must admit, that I am plagued by the exact same questions in those fields and I am gripped by the exact same creative blocks and doubts. So what is it?

It is a legitimate question that many artists and non artists alike struggle with. I am wondering however does this question need to be answered at all. Is it maybe useful to have this question in our head? Is it useful to maybe give it up and decide that it doesn't matter, that the only thing that has any impact is the act of creating and making? Beyond the results, beyond the comprehension of what holds us back, beyond the achievement of clear and definite answers.

There is a power in the "just do it" approach, a power that is hidden behind the overly simplistic surface meaning of the phrase. What do you mean just do it? If I could just do it I would just do it! The strength of it is in the intuitive understanding of the message, which is a message of "no pressure". Basically "just do it" as opposed to dwelling until something special happens that will allow or propel any action. Do it as opposed to not doing it, do it even if you don't know how and figure it out as you do it. Do it imperfectly as opposed to never even starting for fear of imperfection and failure.

In that spirit, here I am, just writing this, even though this might be the most useless piece of writing on Vocal, even though this might be the worst piece of writing I have put out so far, even though this might be read by two people including me and my best friend, who is going to shred me because of my careless way of writing. Never mind, I just need to shake the rust off.

Also, I am writing this on my phone and something very important is popping up in my brain: how the hell do I save what I wrote so far on Vocal through my phone? Am I missing something? Is there something Vocal can improve? Is this a limitation I can leverage to give myself more urgency to finish this in one go? Or not... Why can I not get myself to write? Maybe because I am not listening to the questions in my head? Maybe because I am not giving my mind time to breathe and come up with ideas? Maybe because I am worried about coming up with something clever or meaningful or perfectly crafted?

Today I think I won against whatever this crippling opposing force is, and I am going to take this win and savour it, by just finishing this piece and submitting it for review.

I don't need to win the game today, I just need to get onto the playground.