Who Am I?

(Written fall of 21')

Who am I? Well, my name is Lilly and I am recently 20, and I am 5´3¨ with longish brown and blonde hair and green eyes and I like to walk with an immense amount of confidence.

But I am also insecure and afraid, lonely and numb, depressed and anxious, I have anorexia and bipolar, and I am just all-around broken. On the other hand, I am caring and compassionate, loving and intimate, outgoing and courageous, and so unbelievably optimistic.

I am a creation of so many things good and bad and ugly. I am beautiful despite my broken. My past and hardships do not define me, they only add depth to my being and personality because they taught me how to LIVE.

I appreciate the little things like when my bagel doesn’t have a hole, so the cream cheese is easier to spread. Or when you find a shady spot in a parking lot. Or when strangers wave at you or nod their head and smile. Or when someone holds a door open for someone else. Or when a person compliments someone on something. Or when the line at the fair isn’t too long. Or when people at work tip me extra. Or when someone lets you go in front of them at the grocery store. Or when there are good books in the clearance section. Or when someone offers to help with something they don’t need to help you with. Or when the weather is just right to sit outside and read a good book. Or when people are kind. I love the little things because they make life more enjoyable whether we realize it or not.

The best part about being me is probably that I just have such an amazing soul. I am just such an awesome person, not in a cocky way but more in a confident way and because I get told that all the time. Like all the time. So, I take pride in who I am as a person. I am the type of person who truly listens when people talk about things. The type of person who looks into people's souls for who they really are. I am someone who genuinely cares about others and makes it a point to be there for people. I am a healer.

So, as I mentioned before, I have anorexia. This has taken a huge toll on my life, more than most people would expect. You see, anorexia isn’t just a physical illness, it’s a mental weakness as well. The whole disorder consumes you and becomes part of who you are. It’s sad because my anorexia doesn't actually define me, I just let it. There’s days where I feel like I’m dying, and days where I actually almost did, and days where I’m just dizzy no matter what. There is never a day that goes by where I feel okay for the entire day or even just for a couple hours. I am never one hundred percent. I of course have come to terms with my eating disorder though and use my tough times to inspire other people to get better and work on healing.

I also mentioned being Bipolar. Well, this too is a very difficult disorder to deal with. Mania is wild and euphoric and fun, but it never lasts because depression swoops in and drains me. Mania isn’t all that good though because I become very impulsive and make dumb decisions and become impatient and can’t contain my energy. The mood swings are just the beginning of it. But the numbness in between, that’s by far the worst. Feeling something, even if it’s not pleasant, will always be better than feeling nothing.

Moving on from my hardships, let’s talk about me as a person. Starting with my connection and relationship with animals. I am a spiritual being who deeply connects with nature and the creatures within it. Everyone who knows me will tell you that I am the animal whisperer because I just bond so deeply with all animals right away. Nature, in general, is something I am just so passionate about because I deeply care about the planet and it’s well-being. I love sitting outside and doing tasks most would do inside like reading a book, doing homework, or journaling. This planet is just such a beautiful place to live full of so many sights and feelings of peace and happiness.

I love the planet so much that I believe in Mother Nature as my Goddess. I am spiritual rather than religious. Sounds crazy to many but I feel so connected with Mother Nature and her creation that I couldn’t imagine believing in anything else. It’s who I am and who I feel most at peace with. I give off such good vibes because of all the positive energy I hold that I find it easy to connect with strangers. I rarely meet people who don’t like me once they get to know me because I am such a kind-hearted and genuine person. I will converse with a stranger or new friend like I've known them my whole life. I’ve been told that’s one of the best parts about me, that I’m so caring and easy to talk to.

This is why I want to become a trauma therapist. I’ve been through a lot in my lifetime so I know I’ll be able to help so many people. I already give advice to many people on social media now so I’d love to have that be my career to help even more people who need it. I also am such a good creative writer and an excellent speaker and so I would love to be a motivational speaker one day and share my story with others to inspire them to learn to love themselves because like I always say, self-love is not selfish.

Learning to love myself has been a long and rough journey. The first time I remember feeling so down about myself and my life is when I was 7 and I attempted suicide for the first time. After that life kind of took a turn for the worse and every few years since new problems arose for me like depression, anxiety, anorexia, drug abuse, bipolar, OCD, getting molested at fourteen, raped at sixteen, and two more suicide attempts.

People tend to think loving yourself too much is selfish, but I think loving yourself is the most important thing you will ever need to do in your life. Without self-love, your world is so much different and not as bright. When you start romanticizing your life you start appreciating it. Again, you can be extremely confident without being cocky. There is a huge difference. See, the reason I’m confident and not cocky is that I love myself, but I also spread that love to other people and encourage them to feel the same love towards themselves. But I of course have bad days. People seem to think my life is perfect but that’s just what they see. That’s why I try to be completely honest with my audience on social media so that they can see that I still struggle regardless of how happy I always seem. And I remind people that bad days are normal, they’re going to come but just acknowledge them and let them pass. Don’t allow a bad day to create a bad life.

Life is full of so many wild adventures to be taken and friends to make and just a world to love. Friendships are so important. When you live your life alone it can become lonely and boring, but when you go on your journey with good friends by your side, life is like a movie. Every moment with them is a memory you are creating, and without memories, you can’t look back on your life and be like “Wow, I did that!”. You can’t look back and love the life you lived, and to me, that’s sad. Because when I’m old, I want to look back on my life and laugh, and smile, and cry and just remember how amazing my life was. Because then it will all have been worth it. Every. Single. Bit of it.

When I tried to kill myself for the third time, it was my last because I later realized that I have so much life to live, so much to look forward to. Like traveling the world, falling in love, meeting amazing people, going on adventures, getting married, exploring myself mentally, and living a full life. You may live every day, but you only live one life so make it one to remember, don’t be afraid to say yes, and don’t be afraid to try something new or something that you’re scared of. Make every moment count.

Some advice I would like to give my younger self is to not hold on to pain. To not regret things that felt good in the moment. To not hate myself so much. To live every day like it’s my last. To love with everything I have but not let people use me. To tell my mum I love her more. To make sure my little sister knows she's loved. To not be so mean to my gramma when I was angry. To tell my dad off earlier. To eat right because if I don’t, I will struggle longer than I need to. To be extra nice to the “weird” kids (which I was). And to love life because it is so worth living.

Now let’s answer some questions. What is my favorite part about my appearance? That’s easy, my eyes. My eyes sparkle when I smile and light up when I’m talking about something I’m passionate about. When someone looks into my eyes, they can feel how much I care about what they are saying. They say the eyes are the window to someone's soul and that makes sense because my soul is so welcoming and kind.

But what is my biggest flaw? Well, like all people I do have flaws. Actually, I have many. The first one that comes to mind is my mood swings. I can be super happy and upbeat one minute, then irritated and mean the next. Or I can be laughing and having a good time, and then I want to cry. When I get in off moods I can say things I don’t mean and treat my loved ones poorly. I later learned a few months ago that this is caused by my bipolar. Another flaw would be that I love too much. Love too much? Crazy right? Wrong. When you give your love so limitlessly and often, you tend to get your heart broken or stepped on. People take advantage of kind people. But I always say there is a bright side to everything. Having bipolar is better than feeling nothing ever, and loving too much is better than being hateful and bitter.

Like I’ve made apparent, I am a kind person. The thing I enjoy most is making other people happy. Some nice things I’ve done are given kind notes with a tip to people in drive-thrus or compliment strangers on something they are wearing or give food to the homeless. The part I enjoy most is the look on their faces when I do something so kind. Their eyes light up and they wear the biggest smile. It genuinely makes my day because I honestly enjoy spreading love and kindness. The world is too dark already with everything bad going on so why not be a light?

My goal in life is to be an inspiration. To change people's lives with my story and my words. Even if I only change one person's life, that will make it all worth it. I am a light for people in dark times and I wouldn’t want to be anything else. Everyone needs a hand sometimes and I am happy to be that for people struggling with mental health and just life in general. Giving advice is my specialty and I love what I do. I have had people tell me I saved them or that I helped them in some way and that just says a lot about who I am and I can honestly say I am proud of the person I have become, and I know seven-, twelve-, thirteen-, fourteen-, and sixteen-year-old Lilly would say the same. So, Lilly, I know you don't hear it a lot, but I am so unbelievably proud of you for fighting through everything you have been through. And if to no one else... you're an inspiration to me.

Someone once told me, after asking what I like to do for fun, that my life was like a movie. This was one of the best compliments I have ever gotten. Not only did it make me smile but it made me really look at my life and realize that all the work I have put into being happy has really paid off. I was at such a low point in my life many times and to see me thriving now makes my heart happy. I am so proud of the person I am today, she’s come a long way and fought through a lot of hard battles, usually on her own. The person I am today is beautiful and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I used to always want to be someone different, but I have learned to be happy with who I am today because I know I am an amazing person who will do great things.

I was always someone who cared about what other people thought about me. I sometimes still care about what others think about me however I have started to realize that other peoples’ opinions about me are just that, opinions. What they have to say about me doesn’t truly matter. My life is my life and I have the right to live it how I want to live it. I am not obligated to live up to other people's expectations of me. Others opinions do not rule my life, I do. Since I have realized this, my life has been more enjoyable to live because I allow myself to have fun and live freely without fearing judgment from others. I can dance in public and not care if anyone is watching me. I can order a ton of food if I’m hungry and not care if someone thinks something negative. I can sing at karaoke even if I’m scared because I know those people's opinions of my talent don’t matter. I can do so many things I used to be scared to do because even if I am scared, I know I don't have to worry about what others think of me.

My advice to everyone is to learn to think how I think. Now, I am not saying my way of thinking is one-hundred percent perfect but I have grown to be a glass-half-full person and it just makes life so much more enjoyable and worth living. I finally can say I am happy and mean it. I can express how I feel and not be sorry for it. I can say no when I need to and I can say yes to new adventures even if I’m scared. I can truly live and that’s the best gift I could have ever given myself.

Something else that deeply defines who I am is my tattoos. Every single one has a meaning behind it. I have 18 tattoos, all small, but all holding deep meaning. The unalome on my foot represents the cycle of life from being born to the ups and downs and finally ends at enlightenment. The word wanderlust on my other foot represents my need to explore this world. The two arrows on my toe mean peace. The sun, star, moon, and planet on my ankle just go with my personality and my love for astrology. The phrase “mindset first, action second” on my ankles means to think before you act. The phrase “it’ll buff” on my knee means everything will be alright. The words “soul sisters” on my backside is matching with Skyler, my best friend of 15 years. My upside-down triangle with a line on my back represents the earth signs and I am a Virgo. The peace sign on my wrist represents peace. The phrase “now or never” reminds me to just get out there and live. The word hope on my forearm stands for “hold on pain ends”. The sunrise on my arm reminds me that every day is a new day to get up and try again. The phrase “60 seconds” on my arm is because someone once asked, “If you had 60 seconds left to live, would you be happy with how you lived your life?” (unknown) and I thought that was really cool so it reminds me to live life to the fullest because every second counts. The word “goddess” on my ribcage is to remind me that I am beautiful, confident, and amazing. The sun behind one ear and the moon behind the other are just to fit my personality and show that sometimes I am the light, but I can sometimes bring lots of dark. Finally, my favorite tattoo is the word “healer” on my chest. I mentioned earlier in this paper how I am a healer. To me, this means I am someone who brings light into people's lives who have darkness. I light up the world with my positivity and I help those who need it. All my tattoos mean the world to me and I have so many more to get.

I am someone who has about seven different personalities. Not literally, but I do feel like it sometimes. I go from one emotion to another within seconds. I change my aesthetic basically every day and I just feel like I have such a big personality that it’s like there’s a ton of them moving around at once inside my head. This used to bother me, still does sometimes, but I have come to realize that all of my “different personalities” are what come together to make me Lilly. I am who I am because of all these different traits I hold, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I am someone who has big dreams. I want to travel the world, I want to ride an elephant in Thailand, I want to swim with sea turtles in Costa Rica, I want to jump off a plane, I want to swim with sharks, I just want to live. The dream I am focusing on the most right now is moving into my own place in Florida. I work two jobs while in school to work towards achieving this goal of mine. The reason I want to move to Florida is because I am so much happier there. The environment, the vibe, and my friends all make it the best place for me to be. My best friend Skyler has already moved there so I can’t wait to join her. I am creating my dream life all on my own and I can’t wait to be in Florida so it can really begin.

Like I mentioned before, I am juggling school and work at the same time. This can sometimes get pretty overwhelming. Both my jobs are very demanding physically and even mentally. I genuinely love both my jobs though and so every moment of pain and stress is all worth it. I know with the jobs I have that I will be in Florida in no time, and I can’t wait to start my new journey.

I am the type of person who lives for the experience. That’s what my spirit craves. New experiences and adventures mean everything to me. Without adventure and risks life would be so bland and boring. I don’t like going through the motions, I like living through the experiences. Life is meant to be lived and experienced. We are not here to just simply exist; we are here to truly live and make every moment mean something. I don’t want to get to the end of my time here and look back at so many missed opportunities, I want to look back and smile because I lived my life to the fullest. I want to be remembered as an inspiration to many. I want to be remembered.

The last point I’d like to make is that dreams and goals are so important to have. You don’t always need to know exactly where you are headed, that ruins the fun, but having things to look forward to really helps you get through the tough times. And tough times will always come because life isn’t perfect. Even people who seem to have everything under control and seem to be so happy and perfect have problems. We all have problems. No one is flawless. I may seem happy all the time but I’m not. I may seem like I never get down but I do. And I may seem like I am complete but I’m not, I am still growing. I will always be growing because there will always be new experiences to have and new things to learn. Life is a journey, not a destination.

Life has taught me that it is okay to be confident, just don’t be cocky. It has taught me that a smile is the prettiest thing you can wear, and that true beauty comes from within your soul and spirit, not from your looks. It taught me that the one person you need to love the most is yourself because you will always be there. It taught me that crying doesn’t make you weak it just means that you are overflowing and that is okay. It taught me that being kind is important. It taught me that you are never alone. It taught me that you should always stand up for what you believe in and that you should never silence yourself to satisfy other people. It taught me that there are hateful people out there but to never let them bring you down. It taught me that time can move fast sometimes so make every moment count. It taught me that my feelings matter. It taught me that you should always say what you feel because holding it in will just damage you. It taught me that your real friends will always be there when you need them most. It taught me to put my mindset before my actions. It taught me to be the energy I want to attract. It taught me that it is not my responsibility to live up to other people's expectations of me. It taught me that sometimes losing people allows you to find yourself. It taught me that I matter because I am enough.

So, to finish this I just want to say one thing. Lilly, I am so proud of the girl you have grown to be and I love you so much. You have come so far and don’t ever doubt your growth for a second. You are an amazing soul with an amazing spirit. Never forget how much you matter. You are beautiful and you are enough. I love you.