When Your Wife Leaves for Another wife

My Wife Left Me For Another Wife. I am wifeless.

After 17 years of being married to what I can only describe as The Greatest Wife, I am wandering around a rather empty house. On. My. Own.

Victoria - aka Vicky - was amazing. She cooked, cleaned, took care of the two kids (Tie and Georgia), two dogs (Woofer and Bowser), one cat (Smokey), and a jungle's worth of Victorian plants. She worked remotely as a VP in a high tech start-up and brought in steady flow of money. Vicky paid bills and was much better at investing and built a really nice portfolio.

Like I said an Amazing wife.

She also managed a 2200 square foot house and all that can go wrong which includes electric and plumbing (not sure how I managed to plug up the toilet almost every time).

Romance was remembered on Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and Birthdays. Flowers from Bob the Florist, and a nice dinner wherever they had tablecloths and candles.

Sex had become a more or less regular event. My wife’s private parts were still a foreign country after 17 years. I knew what I needed and figured she would be happy making me happy. Our next door neighbor Cheyenne was a self-taught expert in everything sexual. Her husband was forever bragging.

And then, without warning, after 17 years, she left me for another wife.

It wasn’t totally out of the blue. She was always talking about other wives and how hard it was that they seemed to do everything, and hold down a job. My neighbor, good friend, and weekend golf buddy was also a lucky man. His wife Cheyenne was also perfect.

Cheyenne was also the wife my wife left me for.

The divorce was amicable and explained to me in the simplest of terms. My wife was tired of being The Wife. Cheyenne was tired of being The Wife. They figured together they could split chores and be wife to one another. Heaven knows I was no wife to her.

But that was what I learned. The woman was the wife and the man was the husband. I just never had much of an idea about all the work she did. Wife, as I was learning, was a full-time job on top of another full-time job.

I would come home from a tough day at the office and want to talk about how rough the day was, sales that fell through, contracts that were cancelled. And I would expect her to be sympathetic. When she talked about her day I thought what could she have to bitch about she’s a wife. She gets to spend most of her time at home. Or with the kids.

Or with our neighbor Cheyenne.

When I asked her why she was leaving her answer was straightforward. She wanted a wife. She was tired of being The Wife, doing everything and more, and she wanted a wife. And the best wife she knew was Cheyenne next door.

So she left me for another wife.

There’s a lesson in this for all you guys who only identify as “husbands”. Your wife needs your help. Better to learn to be a wife than have yours leave for another. Look up the meaning of the word "misogynist." Memorize it. Mansplain it to your self if it helps burn it into your Neanderthal brain. Do it now before you become wifeless.

So here I am wandering around a empty house. On. My. Own.

Damn I have no idea how to fix the toilet. It won’t flush. Again.

Help, I need a wife!

Here's a tip for you misogynists out there. Wake up before it's too late. If you learned something valuable, you can provide me with a tip now that I'm wifeless.