When The Friendzone Feels More Like an Enemy Zone

It seems like everyone is familiar with the term ‘friend zone’, but there is no term for the aftermath. No, I’m not talking about the emotional toll on the person who ends up in the friend zone, I’m referring to the person who did the friend-zoning. The person put in this situation is usually a female, and she’s often viewed negatively after explaining that she just wants to be friends. Often, the person who’s been friend-zoned will complain that the ‘zoner’ wasted their time or lead them on, but wasn’t that ‘friend’ also leading them on? After all, they pretended to be someone’s friend for the sole purpose of dating them and now they want nothing more to do with them.

The ‘friendship’ will often end after that, with some stating that they don’t owe anyone their friendship despite their willingness to get close to the person under the false assumption that they will gain a relationship. The end of a friendship can hurt as badly as a breakup, but people with this ill intention have no qualms about inflicting pain on someone merely because they didn’t want to be with them. Why don’t we have a term for this, or at least talk about it more and why are so many women are villainized for friend-zoning men?

My Friendzoning Experience

While I have never gotten close to someone to spark a relationship, it’s happened to me on multiple occasions. Most of the time, the men decide to call me a few names and move on, but every so often it develops into an uncomfortable situation. Most recently, it ended up costing me a job. While my case was more extreme than most, I believe it would have played out differently if my coworker had made his intentions clear instead of befriending me, purely to ask me on dates. Instead, he threw up red flag after red flag and become angry when I refused to go anywhere with him.

Finally, he decided he had enough of me ‘wasting his time’. One night when I logged into my computer to do my schoolwork, and a message from him popped up. I’m still not sure what set him off, but he was angry that he’d given me his time and received nothing in return. He told me he was the only person who’d bothered to get to know me, and informed me that everyone hated me. He lashed out at me so harshly that I decided I must have done something wrong. I apologized to him and offered him my time, which wasn’t enough for him anymore. It escalated to the point where I was in the manager’s office on a semi-regular basis because of him, yet no one did anything to protect me.

I was, however, accused of leading him on by a woman from the home office who should have been nonbiased. She also looked through my phone and read our entire conversation, which caused me to feel invaded. My coworkers jokingly referred to me as his girlfriend or made other remarks about the issue, and he would still walk past me and admire my body in a way that caused me discomfort. I was afraid that he would follow me home or attack me, but I was the one who was villainized because I didn’t want to date him.

I had to write multiple statements about my experience, including one where I had told the staff that he had made a joke about putting something in my drink and me becoming pregnant. They responded by asking me why I was his friend, and why I’d given him my contact information. My response was that I didn’t think that it was against store policy to be friends.

Despite all the abuse that he put me through, I never asked for him to be terminated, I only asked for him to be kept away from me. I wanted to work in a safe environment, and I couldn’t even be granted that. One manager commented it was merely a joke that had gone too far, and another said when women offer allegations the company usually believes them.

I began to use my PTO to escape my coworker. I would call in if I suspected I would work with him. I knew that didn’t make me the best worker, but I could no longer bear to go to work and have him ogle me. I often left after him so he wouldn’t follow me, and I would make sure I locked any drinks I had inside of my locker. One of my managers proclaimed I was ‘acting weird’ and watched me drive away at the end of the night. Eventually, the situation took a toll on my mental health and ended up costing me my job.

Another woman came forward and admitted that he’d done the same thing to her. I’m not sure if the staff took her claims more seriously, but most of the time women aren’t taken seriously even when multiple women are accusing one man of the same actions. In fact, I was called to the office when she came forward and asked questions about my nonexistent friendship with her. It was clear that the management team was still firmly on his side and were attempting to prove that we’d reported him to get him fired. I left the manager’s office knowing they weren’t going to do anything to make the situation better, but I had no idea how much worse things could get.

After she came forward, my workplace became a warzone. I was constantly written up for minor offenses. I was losing sleep and would often stay up at night searching for another job. I knew I wouldn’t be at the job for much longer. Everywhere I went, a manager followed, including on my breaks, but it wasn’t to protect me. They wanted to catch me doing something wrong so that they could terminate me because they believed I had lied. They finally got their chance to get rid of me after I received a customer complaint.

Through my experience, I have learned male pain (such as the pain of being friend-zoned) is often taken more seriously than that of a female pain (even if the offense is more severe). In my case, I showed physical proof and still wasn’t taken seriously. Managers who were supposed to be nonbiased stood firmly on his side and villainized me. I became the subject of ridicule and harassment, but it could have been much worse. Many women in my situation are murdered for declining to enter a relationship they don’t want to be in, while I only lost my toxic job. In the future, I plan to be more cautious of who I befriend.

Originally Published On Medium