When I decided to Heal.

At the end of 2019, I created a list of things I wanted to manifest in the new year. I wrote them down in my journal and from there I created my ritual of bringing in the new year. I put all my intentions one by one on a piece of bay leaf. Then, I stood outside and prayed to my ancestors while I allowed the sage to burn and the smoke to protect me from any negative energy along with some tobacco and palo santo. Afterwards, I spoke my intentions out loud before I burned each individual bay leaf in the fire. I was done shortly after midnight and it was now 2020 and I felt like great things would be coming my way.

Life was looking up. I still had a job, shelter and I was making progress on my book. March came and it became apparent that Covid was threatening life as we knew it and things were shifting at work and we all had to adjust to these changes. Mid month I took the opportunity to go on a paid leave of absence so I didn't have to continue to put myself at risk of getting sick because I had a compromised immune system. Then it happened. I was furloughed before I was set to return and I automatically went into survival mode. What was I going to do without income? What were my options other than a stimulus check that may have never came? Once I got over the anger of being let down by a company that practically promised forward movement, I started to focus on real healing and what that looked like for me as a black woman.

2020 became a rough year early on. I started to think about what it meant to live through the pandemic as a woman of color during this time and all the obstacles I may had to overcome. Throughout history, it was believed that black women were strong and that we were able to endure a lot of pain, which is why certain experiments were conducted on my ancestors bodies that helped shape certain modern medical practices today. Well, I must say it is myth! I panicked at the thought of being forced to stay at home because I took care of myself, paid my own rent, bought my own food and paid my own bills. Also, I suffered from depression and anxiety. This was a very vulnerable time in my life. However, once things got situated with my unemployment and my housing, I decided to work with another woman of color who happened to be a medium and healer. The opportunity arrived for me to put myself first so that I could focus on my healing and growth. What is interesting about this path is how activism and spirituality worked hand and hand. The first act of healing is to acknowledge that something within me needed to change. That is activism in action. My revolution came when I recognized that the monsters I watch in horror movies exist. Lastly, taking a class on healing my mother line was intense but the work had to be done in order for me to acknowledge that certain patterns and core beliefs needed to be broken.

In short, I discovered the tools I needed to detach from who I think I was as suppose to getting back to the “normal" I was use to, which was work work work! I wasn't the same person anymore. In fact, I was finally able to admit to myself that I am a non-binary/trans person. I found spiritual healing, built community, meditated, made healthy smoothies and created a fierce circle of people that I could depend on. Ultimately, I learned that being quarantined during a crisis is not the end. In fact, it was a time of enlightenment and re-birth and in 2021 it still is! In the words of Audre Lorde, "pain is important: how we evade it, how we succumb to it, how we deal with it, how we transcend it." I am letting my pain guide me to greatness.