What was the point

Another letter that will never cross your mind. I have spent 41 years loving you. Doing kind things to make you smile. Reminding you, you are worthy of love and kindness. It never mattered we weren't together, until we were. All I wanted was to make you happy, didn't have to be with you to do that.

Then we were together and like that I was over the moon happy. For a minute. While I was doing everything and anything you told me. While I was ignoring friends, family and myself. You did everything for me. I told everyone that you treated me better than I'd ever been treated before. I defended you to those that knew better. I still do most of the time but it gets harder as the days go by and the true you comes out.

I'm only a last chance option. It's all I've ever been. I was just to in love to see it. It breaks my heart a hundred times a day as it passes through my mind. I mean nothing to you. You meant everything to me. I don't exist to you and the sun rises for you in my life. I must let go. It's killing me to have started to lose myself again.

Being alone and being lonely are completely different things. As humans we clump them together. You thinking i'm so sad and alone and needing your financial help, me being quite at peace and getting by on my own. I may not have a lot. I may need many things but I will not need the abuse anymore in my life.

I am a Beautiful, independant, Worthy, Loving and Kind woman who has climbed from the deepest pits of despair and darkness alone. Nobody checking in to see if I'm okay, no true friends or family to help me up out of the dirt and muck. I crawled, I hoisted myself up and put a smile on my face and reminded myself that I am still here. I am still worthy and I am still enough.

I was always enough. My worth doesn't rest on what you think of me. Your thoughts about me rest solely on the thoughts about yourself and you are one hot mess. For as much as I love you and want the best for you, you hate me and don't wish anything good for me. For as much as i've helped you and done for you, you never took the time to notice me. To get to know me. To even try and be my friend.

You didn't notice the coffee made and served to your bedside table, you didn't notice the clothes cleaned and folded on your bed. The meals hot on the stove when you got home from work. You didn't notice I bought your favorite snack or scrubbed the stain out of your shirt. You didn't notice the care I took to pick out just the right Birthday gift, or the smile on my face as I made your cake and decorated it with such care. Didn't notice your bills I paid (even though you make twice as much as me), Didn't notice the surprises I would buy you or the way I would sit and scratch your back for you because I know you like it, even though you really didn't even see me as I did it. You didn't notice when you were sick, I was sick too, but I still got up and got dressed and went to the store to get you medicine and make sure you were okay.

You didn't notice the way my heart would break as you walk out the door without so much a care, you didn't notice the tears that slid down my cheek as I worried about you leaving drunk on your bike, to go where I was not wanted. Be careful I beg, but you see it as control. You didn't notice the prayers I gave for you, the times I lit candles and sent love to make sure you knew someone cared. You didn't notice the changes, as your treatment of me taught me exactly how to treat you in return.

You didn't notice the lesson that was in front of you but instead brought more lessons of pain for me to endure. I was at peace. I wasn't bothering anyone, or asking for anything. I was just trying to help but you didn't notice what your treatment of me was doing. I tried to tell you that you were teaching me to unlove you. That you were teaching me to move on and let go. You thought it was funny that I thought your actions were teaching me anything. You said you weren't doing anything to me.

Then you are mad when I say I don't want you here. You are angry that I don't continue to love while you continue to push me aside. You blame me and tell me I am crazy because you aren't doing anything. Stop right there. Listen to your own words. YOU AREN'T DOING ANYTHING.

You aren't showing any common decency for another human being who happens to be helping you. You show no friendship or care for another human being , that held you while you cried. You show no compassion for someone you left in shambles and turned your back on them their darkest day. You left with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and then have the nerve to think you deserve to reap the rewards. You don't help around the house with chores, or congratulate me with the great things I'm accomplishing on my own. You aren't trying to better yourself , or your life at all. Moving along hurting everyone who lets you in then saying it's their fault, you didn't do anything.

That's so correct. You didn't do anything. You showed no respect, you didn't live up to your own word. You don't know how to be a true friend and love eludes you time and time again. You see you have to love yourself first. I forgot and lost myself so deep in you that you almost destroyed my soul.

You didn't return the favor of peace and love. You didn't even want to take the time to get to know what a great, kind and loving person I am. You didn't find any worth in me other than using me for your own sick games.

While you were busy destroying me I was busy defending you, trying to find the why behind the actions. I was busy taking all the blame and telling everyone you did nothing wrong. Just like everyone else in your life I loved you so much that I just wanted to take all your pain away and get rid of it. But instead that pain just festered inside of me.

You tell everyone you helped me. Helped me get another set of mental diseases. Helped me understand that no matter what I do you will never care, be grateful or even notice. You helped me find myself and stand on my own two feet. You made me reach out and get help for the mental and emotional abuse I'd been through. You made me love myself. You made me realize that I am worthy of better. I deserve to be important to someone. I deserve to be seen by someone.

Now you look at me so cruel. Because I voiced my feelings. No longer even pretending you know what my name is. Just go. Please if there is anything good in this Universe for me you will just leave and stop playing with my heart, my mind, my soul. I never deserved the way you treat me. I just cared that others thought I did. I couldn't understand that it doesn't matter what everyone in the world thinks, it only matters what I think.

I know I deserve better than you could ever imagine .....