What is Freedom?

I want to start this with this statement: I chose the image above for a reason... I will likely never have freedom due to the fact that my epilepsy will likely never be controlled, according to my doctors, past and present.

My mom basically said I am useless, using different words, just because I can't work. I tried explaining having epilepsy hinders me from being able to have a "normal" job that a college student would have. I can't work in fast food, be a nanny, or even pet sit. I have this constant fear, always thinking, "Well, what if I have a seizure or a PNEA?"

Information on PNEA is included in this article: https://vocal.media/psyche/what-is-fnd-along-with-my-experience-so-far

Information about epilepsy can be found here: https://vocal.media/psyche/encountering-epilepsy

I never feel them coming on, so I can't get myself to a safe position. You would think after eight years, she would understand it enough to not be up my butt about why I am not working while in college, why I fail classes now (I never failed a class until college), and especially my poor memory. She also never understood why my depression can get as bad as it does. I have many pieces about mental health if you are interested in reading them. (It would be greatly appreciated.)

With the number of appointments I have, it's a nightmare to even think about doing school or working full-time. For example, from March 30th to May 18th, I have five appointments (besides my regular therapy every other week). Not having a full-time job means I also can't pay for classes completely and end up taking time off from school every few semesters. I don't want student loans for the rest of my life from the cheapest school I can go to.

I'm absolutely terrified of the thought of being home alone when I shower due to a third-degree burn I have from 2014. If I haven't already shared that story, I will at some point. I'm not ashamed of it like I used to be. Now I look at it as "This is what I've been through and I'm still fighting to stay alive."

I can't drive, and likely never will. Where I live, you have to be one year without a seizure. My neurologist told me when I was around 17 that I will likely never be seizure free. I am still trying my best for that but will still never drive due to my epilepsy and safety concerns. I take medication twice a day and even am trying a different diet, the modified Atkins diet, which is similar to the ketogenic diet. It is a low carb, high fat and protein diet. (Bacon is basically a staple food in my diet now and I used to hate bacon.)

I am scared of what I might do because of my depressive episodes from bipolar disorder. I have tried to end it too many times. I'm sick of getting to that point, so I'm trying to heal my mental health. It is the hardest trying to heal I have ever tried but I still put in the effort, just as I try to convince many of my friends to reach out for help when they need it.

Supporting myself would be impossible given the stage I am at in my life. Maybe I'll be there someday, but today and the near future will not be that time.

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If you managed to read all of it, thank you so much. I know I rambled a lot and I am very sorry for that. It was definitely not my goal to ramble, it just kind of happened.