What I Said To My White Dad… (Racism in 2022)

I’m sending this out to the world because when I spoke with my brother-in-law and sister over the holidays, they said they think more people need to hear the words I said to my father a few months back.

I’ve been super hesitant to write or talk much about the recent racial tension in my family because my white sister married a black man. I hate to use color/race to describe people. I hate how the fact that I date an Asian woman isn’t even mentioned. And to be completely frank, I’m embarrassed that my family can be this hateful.

I simply do not judge people through the delusional lens of the “color of someone’s skin relates to their socioeconomic class, personality and flaws.”

Out of the blue one November morning, I received this message from my Dad to me, my sister, and my stepbrother. My heart dropped and was replaced with anger and disappointment.

I immediately typed and sent these words:

I’ll think on it some more, but unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it if that’s the case. I can’t support or be a part of that decision.

I also have a guest so I wouldn’t ask her to stay at home because of whatever the reason is. Racist or not.

Choosing love should have no consequence. Choosing to have a dad in your life should not result in not being able to have a husband or wife. No dad or brother or stepmother should not welcome someone’s husband-wife or girlfriend due to the color of their skin. Or whatever ridiculous reason you /y’all have created in your head.

And way more than just me and her, have accepted him. In fact, y’all are the outcasts. The ones who choose hate over love and acceptance. Stuck in this mindset for something so juvenile, rudimentary, and caveman-like.

You are literally hanging your love over my baby sister’s head. Threatening her with it. It’s crazy dad. It’s not okay.

I mean you’ve been doing this our whole life. The difference now is we are adults, grown and capable. And we are mature. We love you. I love stepmom. And I love stepbro, always will.

Remember, in 2020, when I practically predicted this behavior in a song that I released in 2017. You threatened to sue me because I created a piece of art out of a memory of you being racist. You want to just “kick me out of your life” because I was honest. That’s not love.

Love is acceptance. You will always have it for us, and guess what? We will always be here. Waiting on you to love us like the dad we know deep down in there. The one who isn’t hateful. The one who is funny and fun and adventurous. We fucking love you, Dad.

But what you are doing, my lost father, is not okay. And I can’t support it.

Anyway, as I said, I’ll think on it some more. In hopes, that one day you’ll see the error in your ways, open your heart and stand up to the racism in our family. I believe in you truly.

I was left on read.

I don’t believe my dad is a bad person or a bad man. I think he lacks the courage to communicate intelligently with the ones he loves most and dive into the traumas that have created his false perceptions of reality. Perceptions birthed from growing up in the Deep South with a racist family. So this leaves my sister and me stuck.

I feel an obligation and strong desire to be the big brother my sister deserves. To protect her when she’s most vulnerable. To stand up for her. Because she’s not just my sister, she’s one of the best people I know, and she doesn’t deserve what my father is doing to her. Neither does her husband.

This is a story that’s been told for centuries. Mixing races and love. I truly don’t know how to fix it without resorting to the same hatefulness.

I don’t know the words to say to help my Dad to understand. I can’t control him. And I don’t want to. I just want him to see. Clearly.

Time will tell, I guess. Until then, my sister and I have put the ball in his court. When he’s ready to have a real conversation so are we.

In the meantime, my heart breaks a little more every time I get a small text from him further avoiding his behavior and the fact that a two-way conversation needs to be had.

This is just a sliver of what racism in America looks like in 2022.

Any advice is welcome.