What a Difference Half a Year Makes

Moving on April 19, 2021

It’s been six months - six months free from my abuser. Six months into my healing journey. It has been six months of painful memories and flashbacks. But I am marching forward and not looking constantly in my rear view mirror anymore.

Trauma wounds are the worst kind because you can’t take a pill, or have a surgery. Trauma leaves a painful scar and right now I can’t tell you if that pain lessens or gets easier over time. Some days nothing feels easy: not walking into my kitchen where I was once brutally attacked. Some days I experience moments throughout my day where I feel unstoppable and empowered, but in all honestly, I have a lot of hard days. I have days where I miss my father, and the support he would have provided for me. I miss all the things we used to do together.

There are other days where I blame myself for the terrible things that have happened to me. Then the days I’m angry that I didn't see the signs. I’m angry that I didn't leave the first time I was assaulted. I’m angry that I enabled people to hurt me in the ways they did. I’m not only angry that I believed all these lies, but that they were told to me in the first place. I’m angry that someone put my life in danger more than once. More than anything I feel hurt. Emotionally and physically hurt. I’m angry that no one helped me, even though a handful of people knew what was going on. It all just hurts.

Surviving all this tragedy and trauma I have learnt a lot. Here are some of the lessons that I learnt in the darkness:

1. If someone wants you to just change because they don't like you for who you are, don't ever change for anyone but yourself.

2. Never minimize yourself and your needs: you are worthy of love and happiness.

3. Speak up if you’re not being treated right. If someone doesn’t want to listen to you, and address your feelings and concerns, then they don't deserve to hear your dreams and ambitions either.

4. It’s not just about having a partner that helps with the chores and provides for your family, if there’s no emotional support or connection, where is the structural integrity of your relationship? There is foundation in all things.

5. If you feel psychically safe, but not emotionally safe, it is just as hurtful and dangerous. Reach out and find a safe person to support and validate your feelings.

6. Your energy comes from food and water NOT coffee. Give your body what it needs and it will give you what you need.

7. If you have toxic family members, it’s okay to cut them out of your life, and it is okay to keep them at arms reach. If they get angry for these things that shows you where they stand on accountability.

8. People don't need to know what you don't want to share.

9. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself. This includes coping with their feelings and their happiness. The only person you can create a good healthy life for is yourself and your children. We can support others, but they have to figure out their own way just as you are.

10. Believe in yourself always.

Today I know my worth and I know that I can survive any anxiety inducing math tests if I survived all of this.

Thanks for reading. Be well and spread kindness.

Cynthia Fraser-Shadbolt