New beginnings

New Beginnings

(Warning triggering content: abuse)

2020-10-29

I’m very excited to come back to my online community after going through intense personal trauma in the last three months that caused me to take a step back from everything in my life but my self-care. I’m now three weeks free from an abusive partnership. I thought that in the last two and half years I was helping someone I love to “figure out” their mental health, but as I sit here enjoying the freedom of my open mind, I am coming to realize that I only enabled the abuse. I enabled him in every way by letting him think it was okay to be emotionally, verbally and, worst of all, physically abusive towards me, as long as he was “working on it” and regularly went going to therapy. It felt like I spent the entire duration of our relationship waiting for him to make up for all the bruises that he caused both emotionally and physically. As time went on, I kept waiting for him to him change. As I waited for him to change, I strived towards improving my own mental health and reaching my own personal goals.

Eventually the abuse got so bad that we could not hide it anymore. I had shut down, as my cognitive functioning was impaired by a trauma bond coupled with a severe concussion. The more I sat down and thought about things, the more I realized that he only wanted me around when I had something to offer. He only wanted me when I had something to benefit him. Whether that was money, sex, food, marijuana, or anything really, as long as my life was completely controlled by him, he was happy. I began to realize that none of this was okay and that I shouldn’t of been afraid to say no to this abuse and using of me in the first place.

If you feel like you have to change your behaviour and your lifestyle for your partner to love you, chances are someone is taking advantage of the light in your soul. I asked him to leave and thank God he did. My first and foremost concerns was addressing all aspects of my mental and physical health that had been suffering throughout the course of our very abusive relationship. Today, I put my self-care first. I will not be an enabler and I will not be a punching bag: not emotionally and not physically. The only happiness I am responsible for is my own and my daughter’s .Through everything, I managed to kick ass at motherhood. Not only is my daughter healthy and safe, but she is happy and smart and hitting important developmental milestones every chance she gets.

If even just one person takes the courage to stand up to a bully or an abuser in their life from my blog post, I will be extremely happy. Maybe it’s your best friend, your boyfriend, maybe its your family, or your place of work: there will always be bullies and abusers in this world. I know it’s hard and even scary, but we need to cut those ties, and if that is not possible, establish firm boundaries. Send that difficult message you need to send, pack your bag, and get out while you can, if that’s the case. You are so much stronger than the things that make you feel weak. Make yourself a priority, surround yourself with people that build you up - not people who undermine your self-worth and tear you down. Embrace what makes you different and unique. And if people cant see your worth in the raw form of you - they are not worthy of your love.

But most importantly: love shouldn’t hurt. Love shouldn’t hurt physically, mentally or emotionally. Abuse comes in many forms: physical, mental, emotional, sexual and even financial. No type of abuse is ever acceptable. If you’re being abused, don’t be afraid to tell someone and to ask for help. By sharing my story, I hope it sends the message that abuse is commonplace and has a huge affect on society and we do need to have more conversations about it and zero tolerance for it. For a long time, I felt like I was hidden in plain sight, but I won’t ever allow myself to be put in that situation again. I am visible and I have a voice now and I won’t hide or be silenced.

I am not an abuse survivor; I am a warrior. This is just the beginning of my journey of healing.

Choose to spread kindness because you never know what people are dealing with,

Cynthia (Cindy) Fraser-Shadbolt