Wait, That's What I Am? I'm a People Pleaser?

I always felt different from everyone around me growing up. Throughout my years in middle and high school, I was aware of how differently people acted towards others in any given situation in comparison to the way I would handle it. One of the earliest memories that come to mind when I think of this is that one time a friend of mine (let's call her Holly) got into a fight with another friend in our friend group. When they decided to end the conversation and give each other space, I watched in awe at the way Holly was quite calm and able to let things be in the meantime. I remember going home that day, wondering why I felt so strange and bad about myself. What did I have to do with what happened?

It is an unexplainable feeling when you realize that a core belief you have had just about your entire life is in fact, completely wrong. You see, if I was Molly in that situation, I would want to fix the problem as soon as possible. I would try to apologize to the person I am arguing with and make them feel better. My throat would tighten and my hands would sweat from the amount of anxiety I had. But why was I anxious? Is something I would wonder about every now and then but didn't really choose to figure out at the time.

Time and time again, I would be frustrated with people around me because they didn't seem to care the way I did. I was always the one checking on people the most, dropping things in order to see them, and it didn't matter how I felt that day. I would put on a smile and say yes all the time. There was this instinctive need to always make sure everyone around me was happy. I was the person in the friend group that was the sort of "mediator" and felt this responsibility to make sure we were all always on good terms. The thought of anyone being upset at me, or anyone else for that matter, made my throat dry and my chest tight. I never understood why, but I thought that this was the way it was supposed to be. I thought what made a good person was someone who went above and beyond. It was someone who always smiled, said yes, and made sure they left the conversation on a good note.

It wasn't until I hit college, that I started to notice that maybe something wasn't right. Life started to hit me with a whirlwind of mental health issues and personal situations that were simply overwhelming. This is when I started to focus on myself a little more. I stopped giving my whole heart and attention to every phone call and text I was getting from my friends and family. They were so used to me being there for them, that when I made the decision to not give my all the way I have for so long, everyone in my life was suddenly mad at me, for the smallest things.

That is when I learned, that the way I thought I should be there for everyone 24/7 is what ironically, was harming me the whole time. When you are a people pleaser for so long, you feel like it is rude when you say no. When you actually do start saying no, those people in your life will think you are being rude too. It's what they got used to. That is something I found very interesting when I decided that enough was enough, and I had to balance my relationships vs my own time.

I started to look back at my whole life, and that was when I had a huge lightbulb moment. I grew up in a household where parents would scorn me for doing something wrong and be very happy when I did what they thought was right. As a first-born child, who grew up with parents that didn't get along so well, I just felt this responsibility to always fix things and make sure they were alright in the end. Whenever my parents would have screaming matches, I would freak out. Little 10-year-old me would rush to my mom's side afterward to make sure she was ok. It started to become a cycle after that. I had made the internal decision that I should always make sure things were positive because if they weren't, it would be the end of the world.

I thought I would be like this forever. Every time someone would be upset with me, I would feel very down about it and think about it the entire day. When I would say no to going out, because I didn't feel well or just simply did not want to be around others, I would feel immense guilt and sadness. But I have started to catch myself in those moments by asking myself a bunch of questions. Why are you freaking out? What is the worse that can happen if this person is upset with you? Are you responsible for other people's feelings?

It is not the end of the world if you say no to something. It is completely fine and healthy, to have people disagree on or argue about something. Don't let your mind trick you into thinking that you are supposed to drop everything and always give your entire attention to those around you in life. Yes, it is important to show them you care. You shouldn't completely go to the other side and never express your care for those you love. But, it is not doing anyone any good to anxiously be on your toes at all times, trying to make sure everything is perfect.

Because there is no such thing... and that is ok!