Use Me No More

Dear You

Do you remember how you used to feel when JJ got close to you? You felt safe, cared for, and paid attention to, right? It felt good. He didn't seem to notice the effect he had on you. Why would he? You guys were just kids.

But when 5th grade came along, BC stopped running buses for school, and you stopped going to BCS, you and JJ didn't see each other much anymore. You were ten by then, almost 11. He'd finally turned 10. He hung out with those guys from his neighborhood, and you didn't know them, but he had already started smoking sometimes. He was careful not to get in your Mum's car smelling like an ashtray, but when you two huddled under an unzipped sleeping bag or a quilt to stay warm in the back seat of the Suburban, you could catch a whiff of cigarette smoke sometimes.

That old car was the source of so many stories, including this one. Do you remember why JJ did what he did that one morning on the ride to school? I know you remember what he did.

It was a cold morning, so you were ready to talk with him under the unzipped sleeping bag. He got into the back seat with you, pulled the quilted material over your heads, and hissed, "I've got something to show you! Do you trust me?"

He knew you trusted him. "Lean back a little," he whispered. And when you leaned back, he reached for the zipper on your jeans. You squirmed with surprise, but JJ shushed and slapped your hands away. "Don't! Let me do this. You're going to love it!"

You relaxed again, and he reached for your zipper. With a bit of help from you, he got your zipper down. You both realized you were holding your breath when your Mum spoke from the front seat to find out if you were okay.

As quickly as possible, without revealing yourselves, you pulled the bag from your head and blinked in the daylight. "Yeah, we're fine. Thanks." When she seemed satisfied, you returned to your secrets. You'd become nervous again, but JJ was determined.

He reached through your open zipper, found the opening to your white briefs, and took hold of your penis, something no one else had ever done. You jumped a little. It tickled, but you had to admit that you liked his fingers being wrapped around it. You looked at him with a mixture of surprise and wonder. "Now for the fun part," he whispered, barely breathing out his words.

You could only imagine how many times JJ had done this before because he was very gentle as he played with yours and stroked it. You had never touched yourself like that before, and the sensations were both exhilarating and alarming. You quickly became worried because the feeling he was creating in you was so powerful that you thought you were going to wet your pants, and there didn't seem to be any way for you to control it.

In a panic, you tried to get JJ to stop, but he just laughed and said you obviously liked it. He kept stroking up and down and up and down until suddenly! The warmest sensation you'd ever known in your life--or have known since--flooded your groin. You were terrified that you had just lost control of your bladder! But, no, it was your very first orgasm. And because your body wasn't yet producing sperm, the orgasm was dry.

At that moment, you were hooked on masturbation. But even more powerfully, you were hooked on sexual release involving another guy. From that day on, you craved JJ's touch for sexual relief. After all, he'd been the one to introduce you to it, so why wouldn't he be the logical one to gratify you?

JJ was willing to show you attention for that a couple more times, but then he stopped riding to school in the car with you. Your feelings toward him had changed by that time, although you didn't recognize it immediately. He went from the guy that protected you from the hurtful kids to the one that hurt you. The friend you trusted because he treated you like a real person and acted like you had personal worth had become something different.

You didn't see it that way initially, but that's what he did. When he touched the private parts of your body to arouse them for sexual satisfaction, he gratified something in himself--sexual or, more likely, a need for control--and showed that he no longer valued you as a friend. You had become someone he could use to get what he wanted.

What effect did JJ using you have on you? It aroused you sexually, yes. But it stirred up your emotions and physical sensations in a way that redirected your prepubescent development into misguided paths. It began a lifelong addiction.

JJ Moved On

When JJ stopped riding with you in the mornings, that was pretty much the end of your friendship. You weren't in the same school anymore, and now you weren't riding together. Do you even remember why he stopped going in your car? I'm sure you've wracked your brain to recall that, but nothing stands out as sharply as his sexual assault on you, does it? You didn't even have those words to use for it then, but that's what it was.

Your best friend, the boy you loved like a brother and trusted to guard you against your worst bully, assaulted you in one of the two most private manners possible. To this day, you can't tell the difference between your platonic feelings about him and your sexualized feelings for him, and you believe that you'd 'always' been attracted to him 'in that way.' But had you?

I think his friendship with you was real, but when his heart turned cold to whatever you held important, he stopped valuing you and began to see you as someone he could control. He had lost control of his own life, you see, and the only power he had was when he could exercise it over something or someone else. You were an easy target because you trusted him so completely.

Whether it was the influence of his neighborhood friends and the X-rated programs they had access to, or if JJ was exposed to pornography another way, it's clear that he viewed sexual contact with someone else as something he had the right to pursue. He moved on from touching you, remember, to being charged with assault of a girl not long after. Those charges were dismissed, but he had several years of ups and downs in his life trying to overcome the poor choices he'd started making.

The last you knew, JJ eventually grew up, married, and had kids, though he moved far away from Maine. Maybe porn wasn't his issue. Perhaps he'd been sexually assaulted as a kid. The problem for you is that he's been living in your head--in your memories ever since that day--and you've never made peace with that broken relationship.

You don't know if he ever felt sexual attraction toward you or if only you felt it toward him. You have no idea if he even remembers the incident in the back seat of the Chevy Suburban or if he remembers it the way you do. Is this something you need to talk to him about to achieve closure? Or can you let it go without that?

It appears that JJ has moved on. You must move on and tell him, “Use me no more.”.

Copyright 2022. Mack Ames.