Unfinished

At my age I consider myself to be unfinished. By that I mean that I am still a work in progress. I always feel that I can be better, do better. There is so much to learn and so many unique ways to grow.

I never want to be an influencer... never ever ever! I do not want the ramifications that comes along with persuading people to follow me, act like me, or do what I suggest. I want my private life to be private. I want my thoughts and feelings to be original and all my own. Please people, think for yourselves. Why on earth would you want to copycat a stranger? A stranger whom is most likely more unfinished than you are?

By unfinished I mean there are things that we need that make us whole. It comes with time and wisdom. It comes from mistakes and redemption. It is forged through relationships and love. It is impossible to be finished in your 20s. Quite possibly your 30s too. My grandfather once told me that a man isn’t completely grown until he’s 45. I didn’t understand that at 18. Now I do.

When I met my ex-husband I was 17. I was definitely unfinished. I was acutely aware that I needed more to become me. More education, more knowledge, more living, more money and much, much more experience. We dated 4 years during my college years, but even after college I knew that I still wasn’t close to being finished. We married anyway. That is what our parents thought was our best path. At that place in my life, I often did as my parents wished. We were far too young to be tethered to one another. That was our demise. We continued to grow but not in the same direction.

I gave birth to my daughter when I was 23. I was still completely unfinished, yet here I was, creating another little human that would be looking to me to lead her. There were times throughout her childhood where we were definitely winging it and learning life together. 38 years later I see that I did okay. I kept her alive and fed. I educated her and taught her some important things that were taught to me. Necessary life skills like respect and manners. Things like how to cook and how to clean. Important stuff like which forks to use at a formal meal and polite conversation. Some of which seems to have been forgotten to be passed down to the current generations. I believe she learned from watching me do as well. However, after a BS degree, a MD degree, 2 masters degrees and 2 children, I would bet she would say she that she is still unfinished too. Well educated, accomplished and polished, but still unfinished.

I cannot state that I am complete, but I do feel like I am getting closer. I can look back over the years and see the lessons. I can see how one thing lead me to another and another and yet another. Then to the place where I needed to be now. I am by no means saying that I intend to stop improving myself. That will never stop until I take my last breath. I mean, that I am settled and in a very good place

right now. I was impetuous and impulsive when I was young yet I was also extremely brave. I don't think that part of me has changed much. I thought I was in control and I could plan out my life the way I thought it would be lived. Hardly. What is the saying? Mortals make plans and the goddesses just laugh and laugh and laugh. I was the butt end of quite a few ethereal jokes, do doubt. I am not saying that I would go back and make many changes. Everything, good bad and ugly, has lead me to where I am. I’m quite happy and content now. I made many mistakes, that’s for certain. I also know that it was my mother’s and grandmother’s lessons, and their prayers that kept me grounded. I realize that my story could have been much more traumatic or sad or quite tragic. I had a rocky beginning but nothing horrific like some people’s stories. I was never homeless or hungry. I avoided substance addictions, cults and alcoholism. I was broke, yes, but I always had a roof over my head and clothing and good food, so I didn't suffer. I was a hard worker. I still am. I often had 2 or 3 jobs. As a single mother I did what needed to be done. Survival.

I was a deep feeling child and took everything to heart. I was often alone but not lonely. I loved books and artwork and making crafty things. I learned to cook early in life and used my imagination often. I was scolded for daydreaming but never praised for getting straight A’s. When I was based in Boston some years later as a flight attendant, my airline roommate told me that I had no idea how beautiful I was. She was right. I was never told that I was pretty or beautiful or anything good about my looks from my parents. My grandmother would tell me that I had good skin and would rub halved grapefruits and lemons on my arms and legs when I was a child. You know the original AHA, long before Bare Minerals existed. I don’t remember ever being told that I was cute or smart or any such thing. I know I was loved though. I had nicknames like “Precious” and “The Feetnin” which was modified from “the sweet one”. My uncles named me that. But looks were never dwelt upon in our family. Maybe because no one was unattractive so it wasn’t important or emphasized. As far as brains were concerned, I believe that it was just expected. Everyone has a capacity for intelligence. At the very least we were educated to some degree and extremely articulate. Good grammar and proper English were a must. So I floated through life clueless that there was anything special about me. When I played sports later in high school and college. I realized I wasn’t as bad as I thought that I was when I was younger. I had in my mind that I was a terrible athlete. Aside from cheerleading and baton twirling, I didn't think I had any athletic skills. I played sports, mostly because I loved it. It was mandatory in our neighborhood and in the school. If you wanted to be a cheerleader you had to play an instrument. So I did that. But I never thought that I was any good at sports and definitely not music either. Let me just say that so many kids in our neighborhood in North Braddock and the entire surrounding areas, were superior athletes. I am talking professional level. The area where I grew up still churns out more professional athletes per capita than anywhere else in the US. They were so good that I was a benchwarmer. I was always 2nd or 3rd string, because the team talent went so deep. Unless it was track and a mid-distance race, I wasn't seeing any action. I would get to participate in the track meets. I was a decent runner at what was then the 440 and the 880 and at the relays. Later I found out that I actually wasn’t as bad at the other sports as I perceived myself.

My point in saying all of this is that I was never disillusioned about my inadequacies. I never thought of myself as more than or better than anyone else. I knew that if I wanted to go where I wanted to go in life, that I needed to work a it and do the hard stuff. In my mind I was the same as everyone with whom I crossed paths. I was aware that I needed a lot more to become finished, but even so, nothing was out of reach.

To this day I believe in continued education. I read and research on how to do new things or what is the meaning of things that I don't yet know. I refuse to rely on someone else’s version of the story without a proper fact check. I love history and I love reading historical novels. I watch a lot of documentaries, some diy tv and many cooking shows. I am always willing to admit that I don't know something in order to learn more. When I wanted designer clothing as a child I had my grandmother teach me to sew. I majored in fashion design and learned to make my own designs. I loved good food and not the packaged junk so I had my other grandmother teach me how to cook. I studied cookbooks and cooking shows until I learned to cook gourmet dishes from as many ethnicities that I could master. I loved to travel and wanted to see the world, so I became a flight attendant. I wanted a fabulous home, so I went back to school when I was in my late 30s and got a degree in interior design. I needed a publisher for my children’s books, so I started my own publishing company. See where Im going with this? Nothing, absolutely nothing, is out of reach. There is always a way. I have never believed in limitations in what this universe has to offer. So to think that I need to be showing people how to live their lives, is unfathomable to me. Furthermore, I have no desire to watch strangers showing off their lives to me so that I can emulate them. No thanks. I am far to busy living my own life than to be watching what may or may not be happening in yours. I’m working on finishing up on me just in case I am not. What I do know is that there are too many things that I still don't know. Besides, I have my autobiography to finish. Wait for it....