Unadulterated Bliss

The fire that I have for her burns deep. And with every passing day the logs pile and the fire grows. Just the sight her sends shock waves to my knees. Every "Hello", every "what are you doing" melts my inner being. I think of her day and night, I think is it lust or is it love? I ask myself how can you be so smitten after so few encounters. What is it about her that drives my nerves into the ground, makes my palms sweat , raise the hair on my neck. Is it the way she looks directly into my eyes, making me feel seen. Could it be those beautiful soft lips that tell me like it is, never muttering lies. Is it possible that her hands hold my face just so that I feel safe when ever my cheek and her palm embrace. The way she laughs perhaps, as if she hasn't a care in the world.

Maybe it's her AuraO ,yellow, bright like the sun.

Though sometimes It's blue

• hen it's so all I want to do it take her in my arms and hope she feels as safe as my face does in her hands. Whatever the case I've fallen. Hard! Hopelessly! I want nobody but her. I yearn for my door to open and it's her face I see. Standing beautiful and tall , smile . Grace so elegant. She moves through the room and you cant help but smile at her presence. My heart jumps , mouth dries. It's her. But the women of my dreams belongs to another. I'm a dollar short and a day late. He's tall, seems nice , musically gifted. Yet, doesn't treat her the way she deserves. A women like that deserves the finer things in life. RuRuby's,Pearl's. Baby seals on her feet story home with a pool in the back. I can treat her better I think. But shit what do I bring to the table. Just another bitch with a pipe dream. Dreams of writing, musicals, Tony's the whole nine. But hey I'm here in this shelter. Singing my should-a could-a would've's. And though I want to take her from this life, would she even go. If by some chance I became an award winning writer next week , would she leave all she's known to join me. Am I selfish for even wanting such foolery. Wanting to roll over in the morning and it's her face I see. Cook breakfast and bicker with her about how onions don't belong in the eggs. Shower and feel her gorgeous soft breast against my back. Dry her off ,lay her down and make love to her just how she likes. Wash off again, get dressed

Feel the wind in my hair s we ride down the highway holding hands. Take her shopping, buy her anything her heart desires. Go get lunch and giggle at the silliest of things while we wait for our food. Come home and listen as she tells me stories from her past. Rub her head while she falls asleep to a movie. Have dinner prepared by time she wakes up. We eat near candle light . I kiss her hand and remind her just in case she forgot how much I love her. Dreams sound good don't they? Cause my reality is I wake up alone. Though some mornings I wake up to her peaking her head through the door. I get up, get the kids out the door. And fall back asleep daydreaming shes in my arms. I go about my day and she may have stopped by my room a few times. I smile like I've never smiled before. I taste her soft lips and then shes off again. My nights vary. Some nights I have her for a few hours , if I'm lucky I have her the whole night. Though that sounds like everything I want. Having her for a night comes at a cost. Meaning an argument has perspired in her home and bandaging her up and kissing her wounds are how were spending that night together . But for whatever time that I have her I indulge in her beauty. Gazing into those soft eyes, feeling the most delicate cheeks rub against my nose, kissing the smoothest lips I've ever pressed upon mine. Could she ever really be mine? I hold my breath that one day by the most slimmest of chances the dream of becoming hers could be my reality. Is it all one sided? Could I be in love with a women who doesn't feel the same? Do I just take her mind off the trials she faces within her four walls? Am I here to numb whatever pain she may be feeling? Am I her drug?

Cause I think she's become mine. Do i even care? Is it wrong that I don't? Do I take pleasure in knowing that whatever time she has with me makes her forget about the abuse she faces at home. Is that wrong? Do I feed her fire the way she feeds mine? How long will it last? Will she move and forget about me? When I call will she leave me on red? If I visit will she pretend shes not home? Will another come along and be the Vicodin she needs? Is this for now? Will our friendship wilt like flowers after they bloom. Will I know what's it's like to not have her smile light up my world. What will I do on the day she decides she cant do this anymore, when the long visits stop and my key is returned. The thoughts alone brings tears to my eyes. Shes so smart, so funny, you can tell she knows her shit. Her confidence is out of this world. Her playful spirit can make even the angriest person crack a smile. When she dances it's like all eyes on her. She says she doesn't sing but when she does it sounds so angelic to me. Her want to do better and become better is sexy. I want to be there on the day she gets everything shes ever dreamed. When she graduates I want to stand on the side with flowers and open arms. When she becomes an apprentice at a diesel shop I want to be there with a tools set wrapped In a blue and purple bow. When she becomes a year sober. I want to stand there with a case of soda and a sign that say's "It's only soda..want some?".

Shes a go getta and it makes me want her more. It's never a dull moment with her. It's always something to smile and laugh at when shes around. That is what attracts me to her. Shes seems like a women who has gone through alot of tough times in life. Seems like she's taken a beating or two from life's experiences. Alot of people fall under to such rough times, but not her. She comes back double fist-ed pounding on the rocks in her way. Even-though I know she's not where she wants to be. I see the fighter in her and I know she will get whatever she desires. If I cant have her as my girl/wife. I pray I never loose her as a friend. Shes the type of friend a person likes me needs around. One I can tell my inner thoughts to without fear of being judged. A friend who wont sugar coat shit for me in the name of sparing my feelings. I know what she says when if its raw comes from a good place. I need a friend that when the blade is near my skin from my own mental fight, I can say "help" without feeling like a fool afterwards. My mind is racing. I have a thousand things to say about her. A thousand feelings I feel. I asked myself how did I fall so hard so fast . I'm always so guarded, wearing my mask ,never showing my true emotions. But with her it all just melted away. My mask came down and my heart unfolded. Love filled my eyes and without my mask to disguise it ,she saw the love that was forming. Some days I beat myself up for allowing myself to put my mask down. I almost never put it down for anyone.

But it was something about her ,something in her smile, something in her kiss that made it drop down. I feel like I can tell her anything. I love when we lay on the couch or sit at the table and just talk. One of my favorite nights thus far is when she allowed me to pick her brain. In that night alone my love bloomed for her twice as big. I could have talked to her all day and night. I wanted to know more. Hear of her first pet, why she doesn't like X,Y and Z. Find out her aunts names, Playstation or Xbox ? White wine or Red? Drop her mask. See more and more of the real her. And I think in that night ...she did. I play our conversations over in my head. When I close my eyes I can still feel her touch. Those moments I wish would never end. She asked me earlier,"Are you sure what your feeling isn't lust"? I giggled inside. "Nah baby this isn't what that it"! People lust of sex, lust over body. Though I love the way your hands feel against my breast i rather sit and have intimate conversations and pick your brain. I guard myself so hard because I love to easy. Sounds cliche I know. But it is the truth. Fact is I love ;love.

I love the feeling of love. I love how sweet love is. I love how pure it is. It's crazy that in only two weeks I've fallen in love. Was it the way she stared into my eyes as if she was looking into my soul. Was it how empty I felt when she wasn't around. How good I felt on the inside when she was near. How I just wanna be around her all the time. I joke to myself and say "this is some Olivia Pope and Fritz shit"!. Wanting what I know I can't have. The cat and mouse gesture of it all. Cant lie and say I'm not scared my heart will just be broken at the end of it . Or pretend I don't worry that one day her other half will see the truth in the corner of my eye like she so easily did. I fear for that day one of us moves from this place. I fear for what becomes of us then. Our friendship or otherwise . It saddens me. Cause how I feel right now, it would crush me to not ever see her again. Not to hear her voice, not to hear her say " what's for dinner? " . Not to feel that feeling when my face is in her hands. Not to watch her walk down the hallway to her room after she leaves just to make sure she gets home safe. Honestly it all is just making me what to get on my shit even more, meaning get my life together. So that I'm in a place to bring them along for my come up. Put them in a house, buy them a car. Do musical shit with her other half. Just so shes always in my life somehow. I don't normally like people around. I stay to myself so that others can never see though my scares. But when shes around ,and the few other friends I've made here. It's like it all fades away. I don't remember that I'm broken when we're together. It doesn't come to mind that I'm damaged goods. The hurt that has eaten away at my soul disappears and all I want to do is laugh and enjoy the time I have with them.....with her. She asked what is this,and I've been trying to come up with a word for it. My answer ; unadulterated bliss. I feel blissful when where together.

Like a tornado could come.

Godzilla could trample buildings

all while King Kong swings from telephone wire to tree.

Earthquakes brake loose and the city floods. Yet I would be still ,holding her hand, mesmerized by her embrace. All is calm , everything goes silent and what's wrong feels right. That's the best way I can describe what this is. Its hard to put it in words that makes sense. But these are only my thoughts, I wonder does she feel the same. Does she think about me when were apart. When shes laying in the bed can she feel my body against hers and my head on her chest. Does she shower and run her hands against her face reminiscing on moments past. Does she sit back and play our nights in her mind. I feel like a kid in school waiting for the next school day so I can see my crush. Even now I sit up wondering will she sneak away tonight, Is she sleep? Is she smoking? Is she fussing? I hear footsteps outside my door and cross my fingers that they are hers. When really in my heart I know I won't be seeing her until tomorrow. But even so,its nice to dream. Dream of a reality in a maybe life. A life that I can hold her hand as I walk down the street. Take her on dates ,walk slowly down the beach as we converse while our arms entwine. I tell her all the time this is torture, but not sure shes knows why. It's like seeing a shiny diamond in the mouth of a sleeping alligator. It seems simple enough to just reach slowly, take your time and collect the jewel. But the moment he's awake your a one armed man. All that to say I reach for her, desire her, seek her beauty within my grasp,but if I'm not careful it only come to bit me in the end. But is it wrong for wanting this priceless diamond, knowing its rare and marvelous. Is it wrong to take the chance even though you know what risk could potentially happen. Isn't life about taking chances and doing what you must to get what you want. Could it be because it's not easy? Have I unconsciously set a task on myself to get what is deemed difficult or unattainable. Am I wrong for wishing on the stars

that she sees my love and gives me a true chance. A chance to prove to her that I have her back and will do all I can to give her a good life. But whose to say her other half couldn't step up and do just that. If she gave me a chance would she only leave me heartbroken to go back to her comfort zone. Could she even be in public with me. A lesbian Christian Muslim couple sounds like a set up for a bad joke. Maybe that's the reason after all. Is a love like this only possible behind closed doors. Would she be able to bring me around her family and say "hi guys,this is my girlfriend " . My guess is hell no. But shes the type of women who definitely surprises. Who knows maybe I'll be invited to the family picnic, have her Na-Na on speed dial. Oh boy! Me and my silly dreams. Always seeing what's not really there. This all could be just a dream in my head. Maybe I'll wake up and find I never really knew what's it's like to run my hands through her straight but kinky hair. Did I imagine I knew what it was like to look into those small oval brown eyes, and rub my nose against her nose ring .Fabricated that I knew how sweet her kisses taste. Pretended I knew how it felt for my body to go limp when I closed my eyes , heard her heartbeat sing to me as I placed my head on her feathery bosom. Can it be that I'm just loosing my mind, and when I wake I find that it was all just a dream or nightmare. Will I sob at the fact that I've never really felt my spine shiver while she gently placed kisses along side it. Or will I take solace in knowing I dodged a bullet of never having the whole of a women I've fallen for. Do I blame life for playing tricks on me or am I a fool for playing tricks on myself.

Will I end up standing alone with only my tears in my hand.

Or could it be we're in the right place at the right time.

Maybe the stars have aligned and the Gods knew we needed love and placed us in hardship to grow and build together. Could it be that we save each other, and be just what the other has been craving for. All these open questions and though I know the outcome I still sail my ship in her direction, full mass, wind beneath me carrying me into her arms. Everything starts with a dream right,or so they say. Maybe its not so bad to dream. Rather good or bad I intend to see this through. Day by day the fire only ignites and with every passing moment I fall deeper and deeper into the abyss that is her love. I am in unadulterated bliss ..