True Confessions

Hey Mom, I never told you this before but there is something I have wanted to tell you for years and tonight it is too hard to hold in. I am not sure I will ever have the courage to give you this letter, but all the same at least I will have written it. From the moment I saw you and Dad get married, I knew I wanted that. I wanted a man to share my life with who would love me and look at me as if I was his everything. That was the dawning of my biggest dream in life. Later that expanded to include a house and kids. Now you know that as a single mom, I have managed to attain 1 out of 3 of those things. What you don't know are the daily struggles with simple life that I continue to have, from the moment I got pregnant with Samuel and being a teen mom, I have faced many things in life. But there is one thing that has remained the same for the past 16 years and with my birthday in a few days, I realize I am still struggling with this. There are so many nights when I have gone to bed with an empty stomach and hunger pains that through 16 years, my body became tolerant of, ignorant of and recently revealed itself as an eating disorder I have had for 16 years. I should make clear, your grandkids NEVER go to bed hungry but the same cannot and has not been able to be said about your daughter. I am always struggling with finances, even keeping my bills as low as possible. But tonight when I put the kids to bed, I came down and for about the billionth time made a pasta dish for dinner, wishing it was anything else and then the tears began to fall. In a few days, I will be 32 and though I am actually ok that I may not ever meet someone to share my life with, I at least always thought by the time I hit 32 I would have my own house and be able to afford enough groceries that I didn't have to ration my own meals. I would never take food out of the kids mouth, even if that does often mean not eating myself or living off toast and fruit and tea. The past few weeks have been unbearably painful as I not only was diagnosed with an eating disorder, but also set out to conquer it quickly. I was doing so good up until the past few days. I have no money for rent let alone the gas to even go to the grocery store and buy more food. Every morning when I take the kids to school, I watch my gas gauge, like it's a nervous tick and I pray that I make it back to pick them up later and don't run out of gas. Tonight, was just such a night. I am not sure if it's my impending birthday or if I am just feeling extra emotional tonight. But I started to cry in the kitchen, wishing so badly I had a nice house of my own and money in the bank that I would never have to skip a meal for the rest of my life. I have never wanted to tell you this, because I know you would worry and stress out and become way too overprotective constantly asking if I am eating, which would honestly stress me out so much I wouldn't be ABLE to eat. But I also can't tell you or dad this, because you guys are supposed to be retired right now. You aren't supposed to be struggling to pay your own bills at your age. You should be living a good, happy life right now and I know adding my own problems on your plate would become a heavy burden. Take it from me, this is not a burden I would wish anyone to carry. It is a heavy burden with a high price. But very few people in my life even have the knowledge of my eating disorder- and those who do were the ones involved in diagnosing me. I have wanted so badly to tell you, to cry and have you tell me that everything is ok and that I would never have to be hungry again. But I can't. I know that all I would be doing is placing the burden on your shoulders instead and I love you so much Mom. You are my greatest comfort and my best friend. I would never want to do anything to hurt you or stress you out. But tonight, mom I wish so badly that you knew so that you could hold me because I don't care if I am in my 30's. I need my mom tonight to help me through this and I need help carrying this burden. It's too hard to do alone. I am so sorry I haven't told you this yet. I know someday this is something I will share with you. I love you so much mom! You are my everything.

Always and forever,

Your loving daughter