Torn By Love

I, like most of you lead a dual life. My author life which is made up of fantasy, ecstasy and adventure. And my real life that contains my real job, a job I very much love too.

I have always wanted to be an author when I grew up but never had the courage to pursue it.

So imagine my surprise when I found an “actual job” that I genuinely love, almost as much as writing. But depending on the day, I sometimes love it more.

I know it’s uncommon for someone to have a job that they love and look forward to being at everyday. But I do!

By trade I am an educational assistant. I work with special needs children, in their early years. Ranging from the ages of 2.5 to 5 years old.

We teach them skills that will help pave the way for the rest of their lives. Things like learning to write their name, learning to use the toilet and how to process big emotions.

Which sounds challenging and like a lot of work for very little pay. But I must admit that I’m not here for the pay. I am here everyday because I love it.

To me this is one of the most rewarding things in the world. There’s a sense of pride you feel when you watch a child successfully execute a skill you’ve been working on for months. It makes all the many months of work worth it. That one little moment.

Yes there are hard days where I am doing nothing but battling with a child to put their shoes on or take off their coat.

But more often than not there are these magical moments when a child will show us how independent they truly are. Watching a child discover how magical playing in a bin of shredded paper is. We're building their imagination as we pretend the pieces are snowflakes.

Their eyes light up and you feel a warmth inside as you watch them open up to a new discovery. Singing a song about snowflakes falling as we sprinkle the “snow” on our toes, hands and noses.

There’s nothing more satisfying or magical to me than a pure interaction like that with a child.

Nothing that is, in my real life. But as I have alluded, I am torn between my two lives and my two loves.

The only thing I find even remotely more satisfying than my real job is when I get to write. The bliss I feel as the words so easily tumble out of my brain. I mumble them to myself as I listen to the clicking of my keyboard, my fingers flying in a frenzy to keep up with my thoughts.

I often find myself salivating over a good story from another author. Or even egotistically over my own work, when I am especially proud.

I become emerged in the story as I take it all in, the sound of the words. The feel of them on my lips as I mutter to myself softly. Followed by that familiar feeling of butterflies building in my stomach. Getting my hopes up that I could one day be just as inspirational and be able to leave my mark for the masses.

Not that I need the recognition but more that I want it. More that I wish to inspire others as I have felt inspired by others before me.

But as I write this, I remind myself that this place I love and crave is only a fantasy. The real mark that I will leave will unlikely be on this platform or in any pages of a book.

The real mark I will leave will be the one I make with the children I work with. A fellow teaching assistant of mine once told me many years ago. “You may not feel like a legend but you will live on in these children’s memories as one. They will talk of you and remember you far beyond your time. You make magic with them and they will always know it.” - Ms. S

And this has held true. I find that even as I change work places or classrooms or even cities. Whenever I run into an old student, they immediately recognize me and come running to me. They often shout to their parents “that’s her. That’s miss Donna!” And my heart is full every time.

The pride I feel in these instances is something I find indescribable. But if I had to give it a shot, it would be something like ecstasy.

Similar to the feeling of when you first publish a new piece of work that you are truly proud of. You feel all your hopes and dreams rising within, bubbling and ready to burst with excitement.

So although I am torn between my love of writing and my love of working with the kids I care about. I do know that in the end, I will have left my foot print in one way or another.

All I need to know is that as long as I do what makes me happy, I will never need to choose between my two loves. I can take pride in all my forms of work.

A note from the author:

I would like to take a moment to dedicate this entry to my husband. Who has always supported me and encouraged me to do what I love. Even if I can’t choose between the two, I know he will still support me with both of my loves.

As long as I keep reminding him that no matter what he will always remain my number one. Thank you for always supporting me, my love! <3