Too Ugly for Online Dating

Think you’re too unattractive for online dating? You’re not alone.

A good portion of men who book appointments with me claim to be too ugly for dating apps. Guess what you and them have in common? You’re all dead wrong. By the time I’m done with my clients, most of their built-up fears have completely dissolved. Within a week, they start sending me excited messages about how they’re getting matches for the first time in ages, and a week after that they’re singing my praises in a written testimonial. Don’t believe me? Read them for yourself ;)

I’ve literally never had a client contact me after our last appointment to complain about a lack of results, or to leave me a negative review. Am I some magical unicorn princess who solves problems with a flip of my hair and a flick of my magic wand? Of course I am, but I also offer practical advice.

The truth is that dating apps can work for 99% of people if you know how to use them. With a little work (and fabulous coaching), you’ll get there in no time.

Shockingly, almost all of that work involves being honest with yourself. In my experience, as someone who consults with frustrated daters for a living, your problem is probably one of the following:

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.

This is the big one! I’ll be straight with you, if you're a balding dude in your 40s, you probably won’t match with a nubile college freshman - but you can match with a 40yr old yoga instructor. If you’re 50lbs overweight you probably aren’t going to match with a Sports Illustrated model - but you can match with an attractive lady. Will she be overweight? Possibly, but so are you, man. If you’re a white dude living in small-town Vermont and you’re only interested in Japanese women… 🙄come on, really? Manage your expectations! You can find a lady who will make you happy and will fuck you like the dirty, dirty rock-star you are. Listen, I’m not judging you for being attracted to gorgeous women… everyone does a double-take when they see a hottie. I’m just (lovingly) suggesting that you don’t put all your eggs in her unrealistically-hot basket.

YOUR PHOTOS ARE UNATTRACTIVE (NOT YOU).

Note that I said your PHOTOS are unattractive, not that you’re unattractive. Don’t be dramatic, just take better pictures. Take a peek at previous blogs about photos here and here if you want a few hints.

A BAD BIO.

She isn’t interested in a corny pun, your life story, a list of requirements for your dream girl, douchey bragging, or a bitch-fest about how much you hate online dating. If you need some help, take a look at my previous blog about bios here.

YOU LIVE IN A RURAL AREA.

This one sucks, I feel you. I come from a small town and I understand that the pickins’ can be slim. Consider changing your zip-code to the nearest decent-sized town. Don’t catfish her and say that you’re from NYC if you’re in Kansas, but it’s fine to use the zip-code of a nearby town as long as you’re upfront about where you live AND are willing to do most of the traveling.

Do yourself a favor next time you catch yourself throwing a pity party for being too ugly for online dating. Take a good long look at your profile to make sure that you’re putting your best foot forward, and adjust accordingly. You’re almost certainly not too ugly to find love, sex, or companionship on dating apps.

I work with men who are infatuated with women they’re wildly incompatible with, men who are miserable because they aren’t able to see their relationship for what it is, and men who miss out on incredible experiences because they’re too afraid to be vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging, dating is hard. It’s confusing and a lot of the time it sucks- but learning when to walk away and how to recognize when you’ve struck gold is pretty important. Wouldn’t it be easier if you had a guide to help you navigate through the facets of dating connectivity? Well buckle up, buttercup - cause I’ve just donned my Gandalf beard and we’re about to go on an epic fuckin’ adventure.

There are several types of connection. Depending on what kind of relationship you’re looking for, some are more important than others. Pay attention though, because if you’re looking for a life partner they’re all necessary components of a healthy and sustainable relationship.

ATTRACTION:

I dated a drop-dead gorgeous man who could fuck like a stallion on steroids. I daydreamed about his dick all day, but having a conversation with him was a form of torture. His opinions were stupid, he made weird nasally sounds when he ate, and he thought polar bears were native to South Korea. After being miserable for a few weeks, I took one last longing look at his body and ended the relationship.

We all know what attraction is, right? You see a person, you literally salivate at the sight of them, and you develop an intense desire to lick every inch of their body. Attraction is super important. It’s what starts 99% of relationships, especially on dating apps. If you’re only interested in a hookup, attraction is all you need. If you’re looking for more than a hookup, though, attraction is just the jumping-off point.

Even casual dating or FWB need more than attraction to survive. Stop trying to force a round peg into a square hole, you can’t trick yourself into liking her. The longer you stay, the more you’re going to make both her and yourself miserable. Both of you deserve to be with someone you’re actually into.

CHEMISTRY:

I was with a dude who I was crazy about, for about a year. The attraction was there, and we had amazing chemistry. We got each other, you know? We had balance, we played off each other, we just worked.... Until we didn’t.

We didn’t want the same things out of a relationship, we didn’t want the same things out of life. We had amazing chemistry, but when it came to long-term life stuff, we were headed in two different directions. The breakup was long, painful, and bitter.

A lot of that pain could have been avoided if we had understood the difference between being crazy about each other and wanting to share a life together.

Both of us knew that we weren’t compatible, but like the oil light in my car, we averted our eyes every time the warning lights started flashing. Our relationship died… and so did my car, like 3 months later. One experience, two lessons learned ;)

Chemistry is great. It’s a shot of dopamine right to the chest. It feels like an orgasm on a gorgeous mountain-top, laying in a circle of assorted pastries and pasta. Oh, and Morgan Freeman is there, just like narrating the whole thing. If you’re looking for a fling, casual dating, or FWB, attraction and chemistry are all you need - but if you’re searching for something sustainable, chemistry will only last until you have your first argument or conversation about the future.

Sometimes chemistry feels so good that it tricks you into thinking it’s compatibility.

Don’t fall for it, develop a small list of things you need in order to be happy in a relationship - and don’t alter it for anyone. If you want kids and she doesn’t, all the chemistry in the world won’t make it work. Open a dialogue about what you’re looking for as soon as you start to catch feelings, it’ll save both of you a lot of pain and regret.

COMMONALITY:

So I dated this guy who was basically the male version of me. We both loved video games, D&D, reading, and pasta. Guess what we did, like 100% of the time? We played video games, D&D, read, and ate pasta. We were both extroverted introverts that needed a little push to get out of the house, we were both perfectionists, a little anxious, a lot dramatic, and had the same taste in literally everything. It was pretty cool dating a clone, for a bit. He fucked how I liked to fuck… but not really how I liked to be fucked- know what I mean?

We didn’t really fit together so much as we mushed up against each other.

We stagnated, we stopped growing as people. We had a shit-ton in common, but we weren’t really compatible.

Meeting someone you have a lot in common with is great, but commonality ≠ compatibility. Sometimes it does, and a little commonality is important in every relationship, but what separates a good relationship from an amazing one is growth. Relationships need a healthy balance. A ying to your yang.

Don’t let yourself plop down into comfortable monotony. Great things exist outside of comfort zones. Get yourself out of yours and maybe you’ll meet someone amazing.

COMPATIBILITY:

So I’m with this guy… this guy. OMG.this.guy. I love the fuck out of this man. He’s my happy place, my safe space, my partner. I want to drink his cum until I sweat semen. I want to make him soup when he’s sick, clean up his puke, and rub his back until he falls asleep. I want to laugh at him while he’s trying to learn how to play video games, get dressed up for his elaborate work dinner and try not to roll my eyes as fancy people rave about the crispness of some $300 wine that tastes like grapes and vinegar, and then come home to cuddle in bed while he catches up on 5 years worth of Critical Role episodes. I want to watch hours of pandemic documentaries while we bicker about who’ll we’ll take with us when we quarantine ourselves against the eventual zombie apocalypse, and I want to curl into him while he talks me down when I eventually scare myself.

He’s my best friend and my biggest cheerleader.

We fit together.

We complement each other.

We balance each other out.

Sometimes he acts like a toddler on crack, bouncing around without direction, and I give him focus. Sometimes I’m dramatic and sensitive and he soothes my anxiety. Sometimes I wake him up in the middle of the night to make him promise to stay away from elephants because I dreamt he got trampled, and he’ll wake up just enough to swear that he hates safaris... He has the patience of a fucking saint. When I hear his voice… oh man, when I hear his voice, my heart beat slows to match his. He centers me, and he pushes me to keep working on learning how to center myself.

We take care of each other, we nurture each other, and we remind each other not to lose our individuality. We’re diligent in keeping our relationship healthy, because we want it to last a real fucking long time.

Compatibility is difficult to find, it really really is- but if I had stayed in any of my other relationships because I was comfortable, lonely, or afraid of the unknown, I would have never found my person…

If you’re stuck in a relationship you know isn’t working, or are too scared to step out of your comfort zone, you may never find yours either. You deserve to find your person, or casual sex, or a FWB, or whatever it is that you’re looking for.

Respect yourself enough to walk away from an unfulfilling relationship, and respect her enough not to stay when you shouldn’t.