To my stepdaughter, Aubrey

There’s one thing I’ve always wanted, but was never able to have, and thats kids of my own. For years, and even still to this day, I had 2 boys who I called my own, but never had a daughter until I met your mom. How would this work? How will it play out? Those 2 questions got answered in pretty dramatic fashion. One thing I want you to always know is that I wasn’t perfect and I made a lot of mistakes with you, but I tried my best, always. I thought I was doing what was right for you because I just didn’t understand everything at the time that I thought I did. There were times that were amazing. For the first time, I actually felt like I had my own daughter for once. That’s what this apology is for. It’s because I know that even though I tried to do what was best for you, I fucked up a lot.

Remember the day I took you to the zoo? We decided one day that we were just going to take a Saturday and go to the zoo, just you and me. It was really really warm out that day, pretty hot. Sun was out, there were probably 14 billion people at that zoo, it seems like. From the moment we walked in that front door, you had the biggest damn smile on your face. Just a massive smile. First thing we did was We went to the penguin enclosure. You laughed your ass off at those penguins and the puffins. After that, we went over to where the grizzly bears were and you just could not get over how cute they were is what you said. We took the train all over the zoo that day, because fuck walking around that big place. I remember when we got to the bird enclosure, the great big massive steel cage with all those birds in it and we walked in and at one point you fell in love with this little bird. It had a curved beak that was really thick, similar to a puffin but smaller and it could fly. You walked up onto a wooden bridge that went over the water and you talked to that bird and were able to coax it into coming up to you and you thought it was just the coolest damn thing because you thought at that point that you could talk to birds. I laughed so damn hard because that was an innocence in you that I hadn’t seen yet but it was really really awesome. Just a phenomenal day.

I wish every story I had about us was similar to that one but unfortunately they’re not and it’s almost completely my fault. Your anger and destructive power sometimes surprised me. Who would’ve thought a 13 year-old girl Would have that much rage inside her head that was seemingly uncontrollable? The thing is though, I thought I knew what you were going through so I thought I knew the best way to handle it. When your mom asked me to help try to keep you in line and try to teach you a better way, I jumped at the opportunity because I thought that my own mental health issues would help guide you in a way that would be beneficial. The problem was, I didn’t know the extent of my own mental health issues and how they were affecting me. Everything I did with you as far as punishment goes, I swear to you I thought I was doing the right thing. Everything I did would’ve worked perfectly fine with the majority of other kids, but you’re not a normal kid. You’re different and you’re special. Your mind works in a completely different way than almost everybody else. It is actually very similar to how mine works but unfortunately it took me seven months of therapy recently to realize how fucked up I was and still am. After all that reflection I started to realize what I had done to you. I started to realize that all of the aggression and anger that I presented towards you was absolutely 100% the worst thing I could’ve done even though I did it thinking it was the best thing for you. I was absolutely wrong. I could not have been more wrong, and I could not feel worse about it. I have been punishing myself mentally for about four months now because that’s when I realized all the fucked up shit I did to you. The punishments and everything that we went through at times, I swear on my own life I did it thinking it was what was going to help you.

At one point, you had gotten so out of control one day that I told you if you said another word I was going to take every single thing out of your bedroom except for your bed, a pillow, and a blanket and you said some other word, which I’m not even sure which word it was but I did what I said I was going to do and I took everything out of your room except for your bed and blanket and pillow. I did this because normal kids do not like to lose privileges and things like that and it is a way to encourage positive behavior. I’m actually crying now as I’m writing this because I’ve come to realize since then that this was so fucked up of me. This was so fucking wrong of me to do. I thought I was trying to help. I swear to God I just thought I was trying to help. Back then I would look at you and I would see this intelligent, smart, brave, beautiful, bright, and unbelievably inventive little goofball and pretty quickly I started to see you as my own, because you were just so much like me back then. Whether you saw it the same way or not, that’s how it was and is. But, I’m sitting here writing you a letter now crying because I know what I should’ve done instead of taking everything from you was just give you a hug and tell you everything‘s gonna be OK and work with you to try to find a solution to whatever the issue was. What would’ve happened if I would’ve just given you a hug? What would’ve happened if I just acted like I cared? I desperately hope that you understand that I really did care and that’s why I did everything I did was because I thought it was the right thing for you.

I look at you and I see all those things that I mentioned a minute ago but I also saw someone who I know has the potential to be anything that you want to be. I know damn well that you can do anything. I’ve seen you do it. I’ve seen you do shit that I thought there was no way in hell you could possibly do but you made it look easy because you were determined. That same determination lead you into things like cheerleading and all the little friends that you had coming over all the time and lead you to do well in school. What I should’ve done was taken all the positive things that you have and encourage them. I didn’t do that enough. I spent too much time worrying about the negative things that you were doing and trying to correct them instead which was completely wrong and I don’t have a clue how to apologize for that enough because I don’t think there is the possibility that I can apologize enough for that.

One day I came home from work and you surprised me. There was a junior varsity football game that night at the school and your cheerleading team had put together this whole being halftime routine. You were scared to death because you thought that you were just gonna go out and fuck it up. I knew you could do it though. I fucking knew you could do it. You worked your ass off for what I believe was about two weeks to try to learn that routine. Then, on the day of the game, you asked me to go to the game to watch you and that was a huge shock to me because I didn’t expect it but I was more than happy to do it. I sat there in the stands that night freezing my ass off sitting by myself because I think your mom was at work or something like that but I sat there in the stands freezing my ass off knowing that every single freaking second of it was absolutely worth it because I was watching you guys cheer on the sidelines and I was watching how much fun you were having and how good you were at. Then half time comes. You went out there and you fucking crushed it. You literally nailed it. I have never in my life been so proud of someone as I was proud of you right then and there because you worked your ass off to learn a difficult routine and you went out there and just crushed it like a pro. It was an unbelievably awesome thing to watch because you were having so much damn fun and I actually saw you start to believe in yourself for once. That was a big big deal was the fact that I actually saw you start to believe in yourself.

There was another day that I remember vividly. You might remember it too. We were at my dads house and I was showing you how to shoot all the rifles, my handgun, shotguns, and all sorts of cool shit. There was that massive smile again. You were just having a fucking blast. You were paying attention, asking the right questions, worried about safety, doing what we told you to do so that you can learn how to properly shoot and you just had the time of your life for a little while. you might remember this but the reason I remember it so vividly, is not for the reason that you probably think. You, your mom, my dad, and Robin were all up on the deck. I went down to fix the target that we were shooting at and you all were talking while I was down there and when I started heading back up towards the deck, my dad said “Matty, do you seriously not tell this girl that you love her? You tell this little girl right now that you love her. That’s your daughter, what the hell is wrong with you?“ So I did. I said I love you Aubrey and I went about my day as if nothing was wrong. I now see that there was something very wrong with that. You shouldn’t have ever wondered. It should’ve been blatantly obvious every single day. For some reason in my mind I had convinced myself that it was weird for me to tell you that I loved you even though I saw you like my own daughter, I still convinced myself that it was weird to say it. I don’t have an excuse for that one and it was wrong. I should’ve been telling you every single day because I know for a fact that the only thing you have ever wanted is someone to be there for you, someone that you can go to if you need help or to talk about something, someone to just show you that they cared for you. I did all of those things, but failed to show you in every single way possible. It drove something between us because you felt like I hated you and with good reason. I mean seriously, how could you not think I hated you based on the way that I was treating you? I understand why you would think that. I absolutely do not and have never ever in my life hated you but I also didn’t do a good enough job showing that I loved you instead. I consider you mine the same way I do with Tyler and Tristan. I think it has something to do with the way that we both have similar brain functions and similar mental health issues so I think we understand each other a little bit which is why we were able to kind of get close.

I’m sorry that this is so long but this is not some thing I could just do in two or three sentences because I’m afraid that I caused you more trauma instead of fixing some of what was already there and you will never ever be able to understand how horrible I feel for that. It was my fault, Aubrey. It was always with the right intentions, I absolutely promise you that. I had the right intentions with you. I just wanted to make sure that you could start behaving and start believing in yourself because I know damn well how much potential you have to just be anything you want to be. I remember when you used to say that you wanted to be a veterinarian and the only thing I ever thought was, yeah she could totally do that. She’d be a bad ass veterinarian because you love animals so much but you’re also so fucking smart and very very determined. I came down on you too hard though. Pretty much always. I don’t know how to properly apologize for that because like I said, I feel like I fucked things up so bad that I gave you more trauma instead of helping you fix what was already there. At the time, I felt like I needed to stand up to you. I felt like I needed to be that wall in front of you that would not let bullshit get past. I felt like I needed to stand up to you in a way that would force you to take responsibility, to take ownership, and to learn your behaviors at the time were not acceptable. In actuality though, the thing that was unacceptable was my behavior and how I tried to always punish you instead of just sitting down with you and discussing it calmly and finding a way to fix it together. I felt it was necessary to stand up to you because I thought that’s what you needed. I thought you needed a firm hand, but what you needed was a strong hug. That was some thing that I learned in therapy was how my actions have affected other people and I’m afraid that the one person I have affected negatively the most, is you because I stood up to you in a way that was not appropriate for that time. It was not appropriate for what you had done.

The biggest thing and the most important thing I hope you get from this letter is this next statement which hand to god is the absolute truth. I only wanted to help make you in to a better person who was prepared for life as you go on and I want you to just be the best you that you can be. You are an absolutely incredible kid and I just wanted you to know that I’m very very sorry for being so tough and essentially just being an asshole. It was never my intentions, I swear to god it never was. I didn’t even realize how much of an asshole I was until about four months ago when my therapist literally called me a dick Because I told him the story about when I took everything out of your bedroom. I’m so sorry. I just hope there’s a way for you to understand that I never meant for it to be like it was.

You don’t have to reply to this if you don’t want to. I just felt like it was important for you to know that damn near everything that happened back then, was my fault and not yours. I just wanted you to know that I was the problem and not you. I fucked up a lot of things. With you, with your mom, with Logan and Adam, but there are times that I know I’m always going to be completely heartbroken because of how hard I was on you and how many unnecessary punishments you had to sit through because of me. I wanted you to know that I acknowledge your struggles and I acknowledge that they are not entirely your fault at all. There are probably a few things that you can do to maintain more of an even level and if you ever need help finding those ways, I am absolutely here to help you in anyway that I can. No questions asked and absolutely no judgment. I’ve been struggling with the decision to even write this because I know you probably think I hate you and even though you had good reason to think that, it’s absolutely not true. I know I also want to send this to you but I am absolutely terrified of doing it. I am so fucking terrified in my head right now of sending you this letter even though I don’t even expect a response. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for everything that I fucked up and I wanted you to know that you are an absolutely terrific kid and if you ever need anything at all, I’m always here for you. Just remember the one thing that is the most important thing I hope you always know. I never stood up to you because I hated my stepdaughter. I stood up to you because I loved my daughter.

I’m sorry, sweetheart.

Matt