There Are Some Things I Need to Say

Dear Mum,

I know we only spoke earlier today, but I was upset by the decline in your behaviour. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better, but that is not to be.

Your dementia is getting worse, as you’ve mentioned. With almost complete vision loss and difficulty hearing, it’s understandable that life feels tough for you. I feel bad for you and wish that things were different, but life goes in one direction, and eventually we run out of road.

I am writing to tell you a couple of things. I hope that someone will be kind enough to read it to you. I spent time today reflecting. Nature tells me you are tired and have had enough of living. I found myself wondering (and really regretting) about things I should have done but didn’t.

We have always been close, even though we have been separated by distance for most of our lives. That has largely been my fault, except for when you sent me to boarding school. I know you feel responsible for this. However, I think it was mainly my father’s idea. I also know you regret giving up those six years. I want you to know that I hold no bad feelings about this, and I do not want you to worry about it, especially now.

This conditioned me. When I finished school, I went straight to university and stayed in one of the colleges. As you know, I never lived at home again. Time spent across the country and in America left us with only pit stops in our relationship.

I look back on it now and think I could have, should have, done better. I could hear the love in your voice when we spoke, but it had nowhere to go. Being a selfish young man on a mission, I always thought that I could make it up later. Time has shown that it was not meant to be.

A bond develops between a mother and son, similar to that between a father and daughter. It is one of those precious relationships that can last a lifetime.

We haven’t had much opportunity to smell the same air, but that does not dampen my love for you nor your love for me. I carry a lot of guilt that I have largely left Julie (my younger sister) to care for you in your declining years. If things had been better between Julie and me, things might have been different. I know that troubles you as well. I have extended the olive branch to her several times, but she is not interested.

I do not think we will get to see each other again. I could fly over to see you, but from the bottom of my heart, I do not want to spend just a day or two with you. I want to remember you from the days when we would talk for hours about the state of the world. The times we would reminisce about the past and have a little chuckle at the more humorous ones.

You have been my guiding light in many ways for most of my life. For that, I thank you. For all the times you listened to me ramble on about my problems and were always ready to offer me advice with love and kindness, I love you forever.

I know you made many sacrifices in your life for me. I need you to know that I have always appreciated them. I have tried to be a good son, but alas, I have not always achieved it.

You only have one mother in life. I have been blessed to have such a wonderful mother. No one can take that away from me. God bless, Mum. Love you.

Till next time,

Calvin