The Unselected Journals of the Secret Life of a Latter-day Saint Wife

How do you kill fruit flies?

Well, I certainly know how to reproduce fruit flies in my great and spacious kitchen and pantry.

Here's how to successfully grow a fruit fly farm. First, have many sticky kids who leave crumbs everywhere. Second, have a husband who buys more onions, tomatoes, and potatoes than a family of six will willingly eat. Third, and this is my real secret to my success: be a crazy-busy, sometimes catatonic, latter-day wife. Here are some additional steps:

Step 1: Hate doing dishes

Many days ago in late July, Mommy Dearest yelled "dishes" downstairs to the basement-dwelling boys. The boys dragged their bodies up the stairs and then argued over whose turn it was. While the fruit flies feasted on yesterday's breakfast bowl, the middle brothers called for the youngest brother to do his duty. The youngest brother will only pick up dishes and rarely put dishes away. And Mommy Dearest doesn't trust the youngest brother to fill the dishwasher. She only entrusts the older children because they will at least fill 3/4 of the dishwasher.

The second brother nags the third brother to let him have his turn, while the fruit fly brothers buzz happily around. The third brother says "shut up" in the impolitest way possible. Then Daddy Dearest tells them to get along. Mommy Dearest and Daddy Dearest threaten to take away the computers. Eventually, the two brothers decide who is in charge of emptying and who is in charge of refilling the dishwasher.

No one in the house enjoys doing the hand-wash-only dishes. Only the fruit flies enjoy landing on the greasy surfaces. These dishes gather to the side for several weeks (maybe months).

Step 2: Hate wiping the counter

This onerous task falls upon whoever wants to cook in the kitchen. If someone has a hankering for homemade pizza, they will clear and wipe down the counter. Only to then spread flour, dough, and pizza sauce everywhere. The bottomless pit boys and their parents then gorge on the precious pizza. Then they all happily fall into a food coma.

Until Mommy Dearest has had it up to here, she finally forces herself to a three-hour cleaning binge, producing nine square feet of grease-free counter space.

I will eventually get to the point of how to kill fruit flies...

Step 3: Hate cleaning the pantry

Once a week, Mommy Dearest calls to the basement brothers, "Groceries!" The dog barks for five minutes while everyone hoofs it upstairs. The six inhabitants shove cans, bread, and pasta boxes wherever they will fit in a once-spacious pantry. A pantry that Mommy Dearest once thought she could never fill.

The fruitful flies find the repositories of spilled oil, sugar, and expired food storage. Luckily for these clever insects, they largely avoid the jars filled with apple cider vinegar and dish soap.

Step 4: Go on vacation

Mommy Dearest had the faintest hope that the oldest brother would wash dishes and clean the home while the other five inhabitants caravanned to a crowded lake cabin. But the oldest brother fell ill, barely able to fulfill his regular job. So the fruit flies picked up the slack for those eight days of the family's vacation.

Step 5: The All-out Battle

The fruit flies zip around just fulfilling the original commandment to be fruitful and multiply. They are peaceful, yet the six human inhabitants wage war on them. The giants place jars of sweet apple cider vinegar around the kitchen to drown their tiny souls. The inhabitants toss so much sweet sugary expired goodness into the trash and wipe away the sweet syrup from the shelves. But the fruit flies have the upper hand because Mommy Dearest tires easily and everyone else is working and schooling.

So the final secret of this Latter-day Saint wife is to put Saran Wrap with tiny holes over the jars. Apparently, it is not so secret since my sister and physical therapist both suggested adding Saran Wrap.