The Unknown

I have days where my faith is stronger than others.

Today was a day of breakthrough for me.

I've been feeling depressed, with no sense of hope or belief in anything, and in general, having random bouts of crying.

I was adding clothes to the dryer when my eyes started to well up. Everything came to a head; Paul and I's relationship, our buying this house together when I no longer feel the same way about him, the newly added financials of owning a home, and the emotional dealings of me actually telling Paul I no longer feel the same way. Leaning against the dryer, I cried for I don't know how long.

I'm afraid and need to know I'm safe.

I heard the smallest of voices in the back of my mind as my tears fell.

I cried more. You bet your ass I'm scared. Terrified is a more accurate description of my daily state of mind. I have been living in fear for months. Fear of screwing up my life. The question looms, 'what if you fuck it up and end up living in a box somewhere?'

I hadn't realized how much the weight of fear was causing me to live in denial of my faith and as a result, I'd lost any belief in God. Wiping my eyes, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself as the knowledge of this settled in. I had lost my faith, I thought and began crying all over again.

Get quiet and listen

This voice was louder and more clear in my mind; instantly causing me to stop crying and take deep breaths. I stood there, the dryer warm on my butt, and heaved a few final cries out before I got quiet. I softened into the rhythm of the warm machine and closed my eyes, listening for higher guidance. Thoughts drifting from one thing to the next, I started to release the grip of fear.

You are safe and taken care of, you are held.

I repeated this a few times and got choked up, almost starting to cry again because I didn't know if I could regain my belief of what my higher guidance said. I was afraid of letting go completely, yet I had no other choice but to do so. Holding onto fear wasn't working anymore. It was either or; fear or faith, there was no gray inbetween here. I rested my face in my hands, massaging my face, wiping my tears away and resumed deep breathing/listening.

Be grateful for everything you have, trust that you are held and safe.

The dryer having stopped now, I stood there a while longer, saying, I am safe and held over and over in my mind until a calm knowing that everything would work itself out landed in my body.

How does a calm knowing feel?

I felt like God was standing right next to me; I felt an overall sense of reassurance sweep through me as well as all tension leave my body.

For the first time in a long time, I wanted to be goofy and dance around the kitchen as I baked something and did just that going upstairs to turn on some tunes, shaking my hips and singing as I made Apple Crumble bars.

Having my faith restored I know I'm not to sit back and be a passive recipient. Faith knowing that everything is going to be okay isn't enough, it's up to me to take my life and act toward the changes I want to see in it. The unknown is a scary fucking place.

Writing this story seemed like the next best step toward making changes in my life and moving through the unknown.

Thanks for reading-

Shannon