Open Marriage

Where do I begin?

It's been a few months since I informed my husband, Paul, I was no longer physically/sexually/emotionally attracted to him(I spilled the beans in September 2021). In being honest, I've been feeling this way for over six months, with the first inclinations at around January 2021.

I didn't know how to approach Paul, so I chose not to say anything and went along with the daily rituals of married life. I did my best to be enthusiastic during sex time, and after a while, focused on pleasuring Paul, rather than him me; nothing Paul did turned me on anymore, yet I wanted to make sure he got off.

And I was great at pretending until the day I wasn't.

To say that I hurt Paul is probably the largest understatement of the year.

How the fuck would you feel if your partner told you that they no longer found you attractive?

I know how I'd feel.

Angry. Suprised. Like the rug was just pulled out from underneath me and now what the fuck am I supposed to do with that information?

The past three months have been both a challenge and a gift for me.

The challenge was to sit back and let Paul process it in HIS way, allowing space for his growth as a person on all levels; physical, emotional, and spiritual. This is a very hard thing for me to do; I want to say stuff or suggest things to move the process along. I think I'm helping when in reality, all I'm doing is hindering. I learned that by sitting back, Paul was able to take it at his pace, and I was able to be an observer; releasing the outcome.

The gift is honesty.

In the many arguments since September, Paul and I have dished out our fair share of things in the honest departments, oftentimes hurtful and not the most pleasant to hear yet, in the midst of honesty comes enlightenment, change, and growth. And it is this exact honesty that lead to a beautiful, calm conversation with Paul just two days ago.

I'm in the kitchen and he's making his coffee and he says that he wants to talk. I say okay and join him on the couch. I have no idea what he's going to say and am pleasantly surprised when he says, "I think it'd be best if we have an open marriage."

You see, over these few months, Paul has danced around with saying comments like, "I'm going to start dating, so don't expect me around here a lot." Or, I didn't marry you so I could have a roommate! I'm going to go find someone to hook up with! I need sex!"

I always hoped he would.

I'm sitting on the couch listening to Paul say he wants an open marriage looking at him calmly while inside I'm jumping up and down.

'YES! AWESOME! YES YES YES!!!'

It's hard to contain myself, yet remain calm, listening with my entire body to what he's saying and feeling my body react to his words.

His words FEEL good. They FEEL right. And as if to confirm my feelings, Paul says, "You know? This feels right to me."

Two days later, I'm writing this article describing how a sense of freedom has washed over me.

I feel free.

Free of Paul.

Free of having to no longer pretend.

Free from the wifely duty of satisfying Paul's sexual/intimate desires as he wants them.

Free to focus on me, and how I want to be satisfied.

Free to build my life as I want.

This is the first time in months- almost a year- that I feel EXCITED. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes and while I have no idea what path it will lead to, I know a few things.

I'm safe, protected, and held by my higher power.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that this will work out for the highest good of everyone involved.

And I know Paul will be okay.

What about me?

Will I date?

Why do I seem so laid back and chill about Paul fucking other women?

As far as dating goes, I look at it more like, if I'm horny and want to do something about it, I have a couple of connections in my back pocket and am not shy about going about having my needs met. I plan not to tell Paul when those connections happen; and instead will allow the conversation to organically occur- or not at all. An intuition tells me that the open marriage thing only works one way and Paul might not be so thrilled to discover my escapades.

I could be way off base, we shall see.

Why do I seem to not care about Paul's screwing other women?

Because it boils down to one thing- as long as Paul is sexually/emotionally/physically happy, I can live my life independently as I choose without worrying about taking care of his needs- he is free and I am free.

Happy Paul Dick equals Happy Shannon Life.