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Watching.

and consistently having a chat with my ego.

By Shannon LemirePublished 2 years ago 4 min read
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Watching.
Photo by Emily KenCairn of Apiary Studio on Unsplash

Being the observer sucks at times, especially at times where one side of my brain is screaming at me having a tantrum because it wants me to spout off with something along the lines of, oh, I see you have new sheets and the other side is yelling back in arguement, no that is NOT your best choice.

And then there's me in the middle struggling to maintain sanity and stay the part of the observer.

This morning is a prime example of when the side of my brain that wants its way- gets its way. Being the observer went straight out the window and I found myself throwing away an entire set of sheets plus a blanket in the trash barrel at around 7 a.m. Screw that, he now has a sugar mama to take care of him, he doesn't need any of this stuff, I mutter under my breath as my hand shoves the soft material deep into the barrel.

I think about the year when I was getting to know P.R.B. and how he showed me charm, was sexy, and always boyishly cute with his brown-puppy dog eyes. P.R.B. drew me in with his wisdom, knowledge of things, and how he kept true to who he was.

P.R.B. was also broke and I -haven fallen for him- paid for everything. He would pay me back, until one day he stopped paying me back. And it's not as though we didn't talk about him paying me back; we did. We agreed on amounts and timeframes that worked for us both. Or at least I thought we agreed on the same thing, he would always argue that we never had that conversation.

Eventually, I gave up on him ever paying me back anything.

Fast forward to today, this morning. Apparently I hadn't let it go; the fact that he hadn't paid me anything back and when I saw those brand new red satin sheets with the oh-so-comfortable comforter, I got angry.

I got angry because I did the same thing with P.R.B. and the only difference between this new person and me is that she is married to someone who's got all the money, and plans on staying married. She has herself a little boy toy with P.R.B.- he provides her with sex; and she provides him with sex as well as grooming him to her liking because she can.

I got angry because P.R.B. enjoys playing the victim role and therefore will go along with her becasue she has the money and will pay for anything and everything he wants and desires.

I got angry because I fell into P.R.B. scheme and am paying for it now.

I got angry because I bought the bed and mattress.

I got angry at myself for not seeing P.R.B. for who he was and being gullible to what was right in front of my face.

As the morning went on and I went through my routine of meditation, journaling, and reading, I became more calm. Thoughts like, well, you don't really know if she bought those sheets for him, he could have gone to the store. See things from his point of view, maybe he wanted to surprise her with a new bedroom set.

Here's what you do so you can get your anger out and still be rational. Throw away all of the bed sheets and pillowcases as P.R.B. clearly wants to start fresh. Wash the red blanket and put it in the closet. LET IT GO and MOVE ON.

I recently read a passage from Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

We are often out of touch with the fear under the anger and get to the first step- we get mad. We are great at this step. What we need to do is go deeper and explore the fear underneath.

As I put the red blanket in the wash and stuffed all of the bed linen into trash bags, I wondered what my fear was underneath my anger.

It took me all day, until now, as I write this piece to figure it out.

My fear of time is running out. I'm afraid that time will run out before I get the chance to move my life in the direction that I desire it to go.

How does that relate to the sheets and P.R.B. and she? Because I live here as a housemate, P.R.B. owns the house and now is swept up by she who has money. I find myself on edge daily. Yet, now that I've addressed my fear, I can learn to move through it look at it, and process it in a different way.

My prayer is this: Help me settle in to the present moment and know that the only thing that's in my control is the present moment.

Humanity
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