The Sun Always Rises

Once upon a time, I was young and stupid. Now I’m older, and I like to think I’m a little brighter. But the jury’s still out on that one. Nevertheless, hindsight is 20/20 and looking back at myself nearly 10 years ago, I wish only that I could have warned myself about the man that would change my entire life.

My late teens and early 20’s was a transformative time, in all the best and worst ways. I met a man that I thought I would want to spend the rest of my life with. He was handsome, kind, and mature in all the ways I thought I wanted or needed. Four years my senior and not from my hometown, I thought I couldn’t do much better than him. But alas, I was young, and I was dumb. And I wish someone had warned me not to mess with the bull, because I almost didn’t survive the horns.

Early in the relationship, he gave me enough red flags that I could have made my own muleta. I was a girl masquerading as a Matador, too proud and in love to admit that the man I loved was more beast than was healthy. I believed our relationship to be glorious and infallible. I forgave him his anger, his disrespect, and his cruelty again and again. He never deserved my patience, but I gave it to him anyway, fully believing he was perfect and worth it. So, throughout the relationship, we danced. I tried to lead him where I wanted him to go, and he charged ahead blindly, caring only that he was driving towards me. Hell, even his gamer tag was “SoCoRagingBull.” I’ll spare you the gritty details, just know that it was a time fraught with mental and emotional abuse, and lots and lots of gaslighting.

After nearly two years of dating, this bull of a man decided the best time to be stubborn and tyrannical was on the way to my family’s reunion. He drove my car against my wishes and refused to discuss our problems calmly. In his anger, he drove us head-first into another vehicle at high speed. He very nearly killed us both, but we all managed to escape mostly unharmed. Our relationship deteriorated quickly after that, but not in a good way.

The mental and emotional abuse turned to sexual abuse. I started experiencing strange pains in my leg that I sought physical therapy for. A year after the accident, I found myself on a surgery table, preparing to have my back cut open to remove a piece of herniated disc in my spine. The man in my life pretended the accident wasn’t his fault, he never apologized for it, and he never supported me during my tests and preparations for surgery. He refused to pay my father back for my totaled car. He didn’t even show up for the surgery until after it was over, even though he knew how scared I was. Four days later, I finally ended it. Everything finally got to be too much, but I'm still angry at myself for not ending things sooner. Before he permanently altered my life.

I struggled with myself for a long time after that (I still do, sometimes). I had faced a bull and lived to tell the tale, but he nearly ended my life before I could find the strength to end the relationship. I left the arena, wounded and limping and changed forever.

I tell this story not for sympathy, but because I want anyone in a similar situation to know that they are not alone, and that life continues after the end. Don’t let complacency lull you into staying with someone that hurts you in any way. You deserve more than that bullshit.