The one that got away

The whole time he was right there in front of me. I didn't even notice he was in the same room. A stranger to me at the time.

I chose a quiet corner in the local library away from all the office gossip to concentrate and finish off my duties so I could go on holiday without having to worry about all my unfinished tasks. As I buried my face into my work, I could feel eyes on me like they were burning a hole into my face. As I looked around I could not see anyone looking at me. As I carried on with my work I couldn't shake off the feeling that someone was looking at me. Instead of making it extremely obvious I slightly looked up to see if I was crazy. I caught a man looking at me over his shoulder. He looked away and a few seconds later he looked back again.

I'm not sure why but I reverted to my childhood days and as I caught him turning around I very quietly said "What?", he said nothing and turned back around. I didn't think much of it as on this day I thought I looked pretty good and it wasn't odd that a man would be looking at me I kind of got used to it and convinced myself over the years that I was very pretty.

I was in the library for a good hour until I decided that I needed a coffee. Lucky for me there was a coffee shop connected to the library and I stood up and headed in the direction of the cafe. As I was waiting in line to order my coffee an amazing smell hit my nose, it was like a touch of vanilla with an almost wood-like smell. I followed my nose and turned around. As I turned there he was, the same man that kept looking at me. I tried not to make it obvious that I had turned to smell him almost.

A voice, "Hi, what can I get you?" snapped me back to reality. "A large double shot cap, extra hot thanks." I said, "Could I get the same please, I'll pay for them together, thanks." A deep voice said next to me. I'm not sure what I was thinking but for once I didn't reject his offer and told him to go stick it. Instead, I asked him a question. "So, why do you keep turning around and looking at me? you do know I can see you." and what do you suppose he said back? nothing! he tapped his card grabbed his coffee, handed me mine, and walked off.

I headed back into my quiet spot as he disappeared and here I am thinking about this stranger and wondering where he had disappeared to. I didn't see him again that day and for some reason, I couldn't get his eyes out of my head.

The next day I went back into the library. Not only was I having a more productive day in the library but the butterflies in my stomach were flying toward the direction of where he was sitting the day before. Why did I feel like this over someone I didn't even know? He could have been from another planet and never coming back again but here I was hoping this stranger would turn up. I think I just wanted answers. he left me hanging like a bad end to a movie series. I just wanted closure.

After 2 hours of me being in this very quiet corner, I realized that it was the end of the movie and there was no part 2. I had just finished all my work and was starting to put everything away in my bag when a rose fell in front of me. I was startled because I thought someone had thrown something at me. The same smell hit my nose at the same time I realized I had a rose on my desk. I looked up, he said nothing. "Is this for me?" I asked curiously. "yes." and that's all he said. You would think I would have said "Why?" or "No thanks." but no stupid me sitting in this vanilla wood forest said "Oh, thank you." and I continued to pack up as he permitted himself to sit next to me.

I turned to my seating mate and just looked at him. his eyes were so hazel and his teeth were the whitest straightest things I have ever seen in a mouth. Me looking at him was giving him some kind of feelings because I found his amazing dimples as he looked back. I for one am not a quiet person. I can talk underwater if I had to but this time I just didn't know what to say. He stood up first as he was still looking at me and asked me a very serious question. "Have you had coffee yet?" and I shook my head. He went ahead to the cafe and I could see him ordering coffee as I had gathered my belongings including my rose, and walked out towards the cafe.

He handed me a takeaway cup that was very hot and we walked outside. I asked him what his story was. I apologized and said "You don't seem like the type of person to be hanging out in a library. He replied, "No, it would be the last place on earth I would look at going actually." turns out he was in the library only because he had to make a phone call and needed somewhere quiet to sit. After all, it wasn't someone he could call in a busy shopping center and he was lucky the library had an entrance from the center. So I asked if he was walking around with a rose hoping he would find someone to give it to. He laughed and those dimples came out again. He said he had spotted me sitting in the library so he bought one from the gypsy lady at the front before heading in.

It had slipt my mind that it was valentines Day and started to notice every other person holding a rose. I asked him why he thought I would have been at the library that day. "I didn't know if you would be there, I just tried my luck. As they say, if you let something go and it comes back it's yours forever, after the cliffhanger I left you with yesterday I was hoping you would come back for answers."

That day we sat on the stairs of the library and just enjoyed each other's energy. we didn't talk much, just had our coffees and took time out. "So, do you have a phone number to go with your phone?" he asked. We exchanged numbers and he texted me that night wishing me a good night.

Our story is a very long one and summed up it's still a long story but let me explain it like this, we had a strange relationship. When we were officially together we would be more on a friend's level but when we decided to call it quits, we couldn't get enough of each other. I think this was more on his end. I liked knowing the status of my relationship because I like the security of knowing that we are together and that he knows he is off the market. He would be distant when he heard the word "partner" or anything to do with being in a relationship like "girlfriend", "boyfriend", or "together". The other strange thing about him was he would never say my name. I had never heard him say my name. Not to me or anyone else. My friends thought I was crazy. How could you be with someone and not say their name, of cause you would have to say their name?

We had some fun times together but they were different. We had gone out to a club one night back when clubs were a thing and the nightlife was awesome. He was not a dancer at all he didn't even drink much. He pretty much came out because I was out. I was having a great time enjoying the music and dancing as I felt arms around me. My feet lifted off the floor and I was being carried to the side of the room by my dimpled-faced man. he sat me down on his lap and I said nothing. I was surprised he could lift me, he hadn't done that before.

A month went by after our night out and he showed up at my apartment one afternoon as I was arriving home. He pulled me under the staircase of the apartment block and lifted me pressing me against the brick wall. The way he use to kiss me was always like he had been away for months.

The butterflies this man use to give me were like nothing I had ever experienced. Because we were always on again, off again we had never actually slept together. We were on and off for almost 3 years.

One day while we were off again I met someone. It was nothing serious we were friends. Someone had told him that I was out with another man, The next day he came knocking at my door asking me questions about this other man. I told him there was no such thing. Do you think he listened? I had made this tough shell man cry. I didn't make him cry actually, his thoughts and made-up stories made him cry.

You would think if a man cries over the thought of you being with someone else that he would propose and say something like he couldn't live without you. He just walked off. never came back. I was shaken by the random event that just happened and decided to head over to my friend's house so she could help me make sense of what had just happened. I was to later find out that he came back to my place half an hour later to find me and apologize. This burns me even now to know that if I hadn't left home I would be telling a whole different story.

A few years went by and I had now met someone that was not afraid to say he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life and I took the chance and said the same back. As the day grew closer for me to start a new life as a married woman I see someone staring at me through a car window on my way to pick up my wedding gown. As this random man was staring at me and I was trying to ignore him a voice shouts "HEY!" and I turn to look at this rude human being pulling his glasses off. Yes, it was the dimple guy smiling at me with full-force dimples. I couldn't help but smile back. After all, this is the guy I wanted to end up with, if only he had the balls to move forward in life. Like the day I met him, I thought nothing of it. But his hazel eyes were burning my brain.

That night I get a message on social media because by now I had changed my number a few times. it read.

"Hey, it's me. This is my number 04********. call me." Because Mr dimples is anti-social he sent me this message through his sister's online profile. so I replied. "I'm getting married." the next day I received another message. "Well, you have my number call me when you realize you're making a mistake." what a way to leave right? This was a typical thing for him to do. I decided that for once in my life I'm not going to chase drama and adventure and I am going to continue down the path I have walked myself so far down.

After five years of marriage, I get another message on social media. This time Mr dimples had decided to create a profile of his own. The message was. "You changed your last name?". Why did I reply I have no idea. "Yes because I got married." you would not believe what he decided to say to me. "Leave him." that's what he wrote. Because I was so furious that he still thought we were playing on again, off again I had to write back. "And then what?" he takes the easy way out but again leaves me with a cliffhanger. "And then whatever you want to happen."

I decided I would leave him with a cliffhanger this time and not give in to his games. It didn't cross my mind for a second that I would be running away from him. You would think this is where it ended.

Two years later I get a phone call. "Where have you been?" a deep familiar voice. He said he wanted to see me and just catch up. I have to admit I was having a hard time in my marriage and I trusted myself enough to know I would never cheat on my husband so agreed to take some time off and head down memory lane for who knows what good I thought it would do.

This was the first time we had seen each other in years and a hug came naturally. He asked me how I was and if I was happy. Being old friends I said something a friend would say to a friend but immediately regretted it. I said I wasn't that happy. He said, whenever I was ready to leave he was there waiting for me. I asked him as if to put him to a test that I was never going to give in and said "What if I want marriage?" and he replied, "Whatever you want."

I thought to myself it was time to get up and leave before I got myself into trouble. One day I had a really bad argument with my husband and at this point, I had pretty much lost all my friends because I was the married one and I now had commitments that they didn't have and didn't want to deal with my life. I made that phone call that I shouldn't have. After he reached out to me a few times I just thought he would greet me the same. My hazel-eyed, white smile, dimple-faced old friend answered the phone and this is exactly how it went.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hey, what are you doing?" I replied.

"Why are you calling me? just fuck off," he said this in such a way that he would want me to know he isn't joking.

"What the hell is your problem, I'm deleting your number," I yelled back.

"Good, I don't know why you still have it." He replied.

"Don't you dare ever call me ever again!" I said as a last goodbye and hung up.

That was the first time he had ever made me cry. and that's where it had to end. I could never get over the electricity we had between us when we were together. There was always so much love between us. I know we could have been more. I later found out that he had bipolar and that is what caused his mood swings. He didn't even know about his condition until he was much older.

To this day I still wonder if he is alive and if he is well and I wonder if he ever thinks of me. But I know that if we did end up together it would have been so toxic and we would have ended up killing each other.