The Defecation Miscalculation

Little boys find the grossest things funny. That's why I had two of them laughing at me when I did this… interesting thing. Although, I'm not sure if anyone wouldn't have found this funny. Where do I start?

The date, and my exact age, I can't remember, but I am pretty sure my age only had one digit. The only two witnesses were my younger brothers. Their names will be withheld to protect the guilty, but suffice it to say, they had a good time.

"Do you guys want to see what mom taught me?" I remember asking them, with excitement. What did my mom teach me? Well, you see, I was a strange kid. Never really got used to germs or hugs, (but that's another story). I would worry about giving someone food poisoning if I touched the outside of a protein bar wrapper after closing a car door and not using hand sanitizer in between. Man, I was a weird kid. I would agonize about this thought for weeks, literally would make myself sick with worry thinking about who I might have hurt with my poor hygienic decisions. Washed my hands more times than I would like to admit.

Back on track, my mother had told me about her "hover" technique for when she went to the bathroom in a public place. Maybe I got the germ thing from my mom? Who knows. Either way, she told me about how you could go number two without letting your butt cheeks touch the seat. I was thrilled at the new way to protect my downstairs cheeks from the dangers of bacteria. I had used said technique before in the aforementioned dirty public restrooms, things were good. Things were so good that I wanted to share this newfound joy with my two younger brothers. After I had asked them if they wanted to see what I had learned from mom they confusingly agreed. They did not share my fear of germs.

I walked to the toilet. The two boys sat on their bunk beds and could see into their bathroom from there. They watched as I dropped trou and then dropped anchor. I wasn’t sure how to respond to the sudden outburst of laughter or the pointing. I could tell something was wrong, but I couldn’t quite tell what. Not until I turned around to...

Moments like these are silently beautiful; very few things compare. When you see a child tripping, but you don’t have enough time to stop the tragedy as it happens, your eyes force you to watch the ballet of body parts as they hit the ground. Or when your uncle accidentally grabs the wrong beer can and you don't have the split-second to tell him he is about to drink a spit can. His face contorts into shapes that you didn’t know the human face could make and you get quite a show before the fountain.

My brothers could only take in the full stunning picture without being able to stop my stupidity. I couldn’t quite see the beauty, I was somewhat stuck on the fact that I had left the seat down.

I had forgotten one of the ABCs of indoor feces excretion, LIFT THE DAMN LID UP! In all of my excitement, I had forgotten to lift the lid... Not just the seat, but the entire lid. It was a perfect swirl. It was the poop emoji before the poop emoji existed. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the terrible tube of brown and my brothers couldn't catch their breath.

It smelled bad and I had just defecated on a closed toilet, but it could have been worse. The poop god must have smiled down on me because it could have just as possibly been diarrhea. My warm chocolate swirl might have been bean soup.

Long story short, like parachutes and minds, toilets are most effective when open.