The Burden

I yearn for all this pain to go away. All I feel is exhaustion. A constant state of no longer wanting to be a part of this realm. I want to disappear. Avoid all the turmoil going on in my head. I want absolute silence. I wish I didn’t have to deal with the conflict of my emotions. I no longer find joy. I feel empty. Unable to communicate what really matters anymore. I just want an easy out. I can’t seem to grasp onto anything anymore. My mind and soul has become a void. I’m a black hole. Everything I touch turns to misery.

Can I please just escape? I want to go to a place where I will no longer feel this heaviness. There is a weight on me that I feel I can no longer carry. Please just take me away. I don’t feel strong enough to handle myself. I want to go away and never come back. Everyone I meet I hurt. I can no longer be the bearer of pain. I can no longer give the love and care that is expected of me. I pray for an end. I hate myself with every fiber of my being. Life is not joy. It’s anger and resentment that I can no longer hold.

I’m not filled with strength or passion. I am so weak and exhausted. I’m tired. I have no other way to describe it. All I see in myself is a deep sadness with no end. I have no motivation in life. I am just waiting to cross that final line into oblivion. Darkness already is all that harnesses my being. There is no escape. I’m begging for a release; but I see no light. There isn’t an end anymore. No more crossroads that matter. Nothing pushing me further. I need a hand to help raise me from this hell. But there is no hand.

I’m alone and afraid. Screaming into emptiness for a bone of pity. No one senses the pain I radiate. Please just let this choking hold on me go. I can no longer handle it. I am in excruciating pain. I just need one drop of morphine. Please, can anyone hear me? Or am I truly alone? Do my eyes even shine anymore? I don’t feel that light that was once in me. Am I just a shell now? Maybe it’s for the best.

I hear a ringing, but there is no call. No voice of reason or comfort. I lay in this cold bed, nails dug into my palm, wanting a single ounce of reassurance. But I no longer deserve it.

What is forgiveness but a whisper of hope? There is no forgetting. Paths have been carved. Mine is no longer in sight. What are the crossroads?

There are no traffic signs where I’m at. No guidance or rules to follow. Maybe my road ends here. This was my last stop.

Goodbye was always the easiest word to murmur.

Im being consumed. There’s no longer a door. No shred of light to show me the way. Im trapped. I have no escape. Someone. I need help, please somebody help me. All I need is help. Is my heart even beating anymore? If I cut myself would I still bleed? There is no solution. No compromise. Mom. Dad. They’ve broken me.

I’m broken and this time the pieces are too small to put together. No amount of bandaids could fix this. I am so sorry. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am the burden.

But that’s only what the world wants you to believe. The darkness does fade. And with time, so does the pain. There will be a hand reaching out to help you. You are strong enough. Just hold on a bit longer.

Because you are the light you need.