A Love Letter to My Worst Heartbreak; You.

12/21/16

You.

There was always something about you. I had never been able to read people like I could read you. And no one was ever able to read me as easily as you do. From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I don’t know, something clicked. I remember it all so vividly. I remember your smile. The shine in your eyes. That was about a year ago, huh? And now I feel that the roles have reversed. Now it’s me who is star struck by you, who wants to get to know more about you, who talks about you at home. Now you’re the cute girl. The amazing girl. I don’t know why I decided to write this, I feel it was the easiest way to express myself without stumbling or getting emotional. Truth be told, I never imagined myself here with you. I never really thought I would fall for you. And it never occurred to me that you would be such an important part of my life. I never imagined I would tell you secrets about myself, or that I would allow you to find secrets about myself I didn’t even know about. I was always very shut off from everyone. But with you I can’t help it. I don’t want to feel what I do for you, yet I do. I honestly don’t know what I want anymore. I think I should distance myself, but I also don’t think I can, and I don’t want you to. I want us to be close and just continue getting closer. But, I’m sitting here thinking, what am I really supposed to do? You are helping me realize I deserve to be loved and put first. And god I want that so badly. I want one day to be with someone I love, who loves me too, who looks at me like I am the best thing to ever happen to them. I want someone to look at me as if I am it. I want someone to look at me like I look at you, forgetting that there is a whole world. I don’t know why we are doing this. I don’t know why you were this significant to me, and why I fell for you. But I did, and I am not minding at all. But like you said, at the end of the day, no matter what, I am the one who is going to get hurt… Nothing will ever make me look at you badly, or change the fact you are my best friend. Nothing will ever damage who you are to me or the role you had in my life.

The lines aren’t being blurred for me, because I know exactly where I stand, and I suppose that’s what hurts. Us taking that step, well, it certainly didn’t help my feelings for you. And again, I’m not complaining, at all. I don’t want things to change, I just felt I had to be honest for the both of us, because this is something that has been on my mind for quite some time now. I see you in everything. Which is so bad, you don’t understand, you are constantly on my mind. And I don’t really know what to do anymore, because I catch myself falling more and more each and every day, especially with little things. You are so important and amazing and special, and dude, you leave me so speechless sometimes. I just really wish you saw yourself the way I see you. And I’m not going to sit here and say you’re perfect, but I will tell you that if I could rewrite perfection, I would base it off of you. I am no one special, in fact, I’m pretty sure I am one of the lamest people you have and ever will meet. I stumble on my words, I do nothing worth anything, I am lazy, and honestly, looks wise, eh, there’s better. Yet somehow, I caught your eyes. Somehow, I have someone as amazing as you telling me these things that no one has ever said, things that brings tears to my eyes and leaves me a bit light headed. I have you straddling me while singing to me, and making me feel so gorgeous when all I’ve ever felt was embarrassed and ashamed of my body. Don’t get me wrong, you aren’t the first person to try to make me feel good about myself or see my self-worth, but you are the first to make me somewhat start seeing it…

There is still so much you and I don’t know about one another. And I want to learn all about you. I love hearing you speak, especially about things you are passionate about. I love learning about you, and hearing all your stories. Even the ones that make me want to just hug and hold you and try taking away the hurt it caused you. I love the shine that comes into your eyes when you’re telling me these stories, and the smile you wear for your happy ones. I catch your nervous ticks, and it takes all of me to not hold your hand and look at you and tell you that it’s ok. But it is. You are so strong, when I say I look up to you I’m not kidding. I really do, you are such an amazing role model. You are just an all-around amazing person. And I admire just how strong and determined you are. And your stubbornness man.

I could write a book about you, and all the great things about you I have already discovered. I could go on and on. But this is more me wanting to tell you that, I don’t know. Maybe I’m the problem? I don’t like just messing around. I have never been a casual person. When I am into someone it is normally an all or nothing thing. Granted I had a few girls I talked to I wasn’t serious about but still. This is very out of character for me. And it isn’t hard for me, I know that all we are, is friends who occasionally sleep together. But again, like you’ve said, you knew I was going to catch feelings, hell, I knew it too. And I did. And dude I am so screwed. That’s why I have never liked these things, because like I said, I am an all or nothing person. I don’t half ass my relationships.

Anyways, I don’t know how else to put my feelings down. There is more to this but I felt I should stop. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m falling for you, fast and hard, and it’s scaring me because I will not have anyone there to catch me. I don’t want this to change anything, I really did just want to be honest with you and get stuff off my chest because it has been a tad suffocating. I am so sorry if any of what I said bothers or makes you feel uncomfortable. Or hurts you, even. And I am so sorry I couldn’t just keep this casual and I had to go and mess things up by catching feelings. I am sorry I’m not enough. Or that I don’t know how to say any of this to your face. I’m sorry. I hope we can talk about it more… I just needed you to know.

Love,

M.C.

I did fall, and no one caught me…

M.C. ~3/4/2021