Tears on the Paper

The tears I cry stain crimson. They leave behind a memory, a time of happiness I yearn for. Those days are long gone. I feel it in my bones the depth of my despair as I claw the air for a rope to pull me from this deep well of sorrow.

"Breathe for me, my dear," I heard the voice echo, bouncing off of the walls that suffocate me.

How can I breathe when the life is being drawn from me?

Pages of paper flutter around me but gradually pick up speed until they are a whirlwind. I see flashes of faces, happy smiles, joyful laughter. I reach for them as I want to stuff them into my pocket; those are my photos. Those people are me, my family, my friends, you. I want to hold onto them forever, yet you don't.

The sun is shining, its rays pouring down on me, warming me with golden kisses but they are not yours. They don't press against my cheek, drawing blood to redden it, nor do they murmur against my skin, sweet nothings. They are certainly 'nothing' especially now.

Those days are gone and so is my heart, ripped out and trampled on by those you find more pleasure from, those who you think show you more love than I ever did. I loved you with everything I could- I still do.

I wonder, do you ever think of me? About what could have been. About what I am doing, who I am seeing. Do you?

You never leave my mind and I scream for you to. As much as I love you with every last breath and every last beat of my heart I question whether forgetting you would be easier. If I could wake up with amnesia and forget about all the stupid little quirks you had, how you had particular ways about doing things. Why do you fold your socks? That's one I never will quite understand.

I hate how much I love you. It ties knots in my stomach and not the kind you get when you're nervous, this knot gets tighter and tighter the more I dwell on how much I fucking love the shit out of you and how little I meant to you. I may be a page in your book but you are a whole chapter- no, you are my book! Every goddamn chapter is YOU. YOU AND ONLY YOU!

Even the stupid sequel where I tried to steer it away from you, I tried to move on lead back to you. I joined Tinder and swiped right to many people but they all looked like you, had similar interests to you. I was looking for you knowing full damn well that you would not come up and even if you did you would swipe left to me.

Why was it so easy for you to move on? Every time I close my eyes I picture you and your new lover, how you touch them, how you whisper in their ear, how you take them on dates- are they the same places you took me? So help me I will drown myself in the river if I find out you have taken them to the café I showed you. That is our place. Ours! Not yours and theirs- OURS.

Why?

Why did you leave?

Why didn't you take me with you?

My world was full of colour when I was with you but now it is grey. I want colour, I want excitement I want the safety or your arms to hold me close.

I guess that will never happen, you stole the colours and painted a new portrait leaving my canvas to collect dust and sit wishing for you to restore me but deep down knowing that someone else will have to do the job for you...

You draw back from the page, your eyes burning from reading the words they wrote to you. Guilt swelled in you like a lead balloon, weighing you down until your breath became short. Wiping back your hair, you sigh and look over to the person who lays in your bed beside you.

You don't want them. You never have, the person your heart wants the most left this letter for you in the post. A letter where you could practically feel the emotions that ran though their veins as they scrawled it on the paper.

It was a stupid mistake that lead to another stupid mistake and the ball kept rolling in that direction. But, you could have stopped it, you know you could have but the trill and excitement of being like a teenager once again where you cared less about other peoples feeling and more about your own personal gain that then spiralled you out of control. They would never forgive you even if they say they still love you. A second chance is not what you deserve and you know that.

It's a shame, the ring you bought for them is still wrapped and tucked hidden in your underwear draw.