Take This Puppy Back To The Pound

Shall we talk about dating in 2024 sweeties?  I happen to have bad luck in relationships.  I always carefully pick the wrong guy.  It's bad ya'll. The dating pool definitely has pee in it.  These men are babies, BABIES, and absolutely ridiculous.  If you ever want to scare off a man just be really loving and loyal, they fucking hate that.  Relationships are like garage sales.  From a distance it looks like it could be interesting.  But up close, it's just a ton of shit you don't need.  Dating is just wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.  I just googled at what age a man fully emotionally matures and it deadass said 43 years old.  Getting back into the dating scene is hard for me in that I have to shave my legs AND stay up past 7:30pm.  No more my milkshake brings all the emotionally dysfunctional, selfish, narcissistic alcoholics to the yard.  My milkshake is continually bringing fucking morons to my yard and it has to stop.  Being an old school romantic in a hook up culture is a special kind of hell.  My dating life in four words: dating but not surprised. I don't date, I literally foster men until they find their forever homes.  

My favorite mystical creatures are good honest men.   Dick is extremely easy to get.  It's when you are "crazy" enough to want more from men like consistency, honesty, intelligence, now that shit gets a little challenging.  I'm almost ready to start liking men for the money...because liking them for who they are has cost me dearly.  I want a boyfriend but I don't want to have to train it.  Dating as an adult is like going to the dump and looking around for the least broken and disgusting thing.  Apparently to get a boyfriend you actually have to stop being mean to men and I don't know if I am ready for that type of commitment.  From now on when people ask why I am single, I'll just reply it is simply a supply chain issue.  Has the CDC said yet when it is safe for me to trust a man again?  Someone tell me the apocalypse is coming, please.  These dating apps, my dearests, are filled with narcissists, deadbeats, and liars.  They love to love bomb.  They also apparently love unsolicited dick pics and videos may I add.  They act enamored by you one day and disappear the next day.  Consistency?  Ha, you wish.  Dating feels like starving to death in a grocery store.  There are plenty of options, but you'd rather fucking die because your picky, or I don't know- have standards.  I feel like the first question I need to ask on a first date (if it ever makes it to that) NEEDS to be, "is there someone else that thinks they are in a relationship with you?"  I learned that every emotionally unavailable guy I thought was so hot is actually a terrible fucking person.  And online dating has also taught me how to meet and break up with someone without even leaving my house- fancy.  And don't you dare "hey stranger"- me because your new bitch can't suck a dick in a few weeks.  Sheesh, ya'll.

Online dating is a lot of fun (lol) until I have to actually go on a date.  Let us first introduce puppy number one; the runner.  One fact about me is my favorite way to waste time is with unavailable men.  We will call this puppy S. S came in hot with a good introduction and a rose on Hinge.  I thought I won the bachelorette honestly.  What he should have said was, "Hi, I am emotionally unavailable and afraid of commitment."  However, he love bombed me instead.  We met and immediately hit things off.  We both checked off enjoying long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and penetration off of our similar interests list.  He captivated me immediately with his theoretical and down to earth questions. Things got serious quick and everything was mutual, we were even planning small getaways together- I thought I found the one.  Like, really.  After weeks of bliss, things took a turn in one day.  ONE DAY YA'LL.  We got into an argument after he found out some tough news about his dad's health and he bolted for the hills.  Pulled out of the relationship, told me he needed space, and ran like he was in a marathon in the Olympics.  100% of the time this type of guy has an avoidant attachment style and is low key super insecure with himself, with his day-to-day decisions, and with his own life choices.  Honestly, after a burn like- I hope that saltwater ruins your clothes.  **Eye roll** And I hope you spend the rest of your life sleeping alone because you what you did blind sided me and hurt me.. I would have been by your side through thick and thin because I am a ride or die kind of girl.  But no, you decided to run away from someone you cared about, who cared about you too.  Dudes be like, let me send her mixed signals real quick.  Sorry for thinking you valued me as a person when you were ingratiating yourself access to my vagina.  Instead of being a man, S choose to end contact with me and act like I never existed because he is a huge douchebag.  I put myself in crazier positions shaving than you had me in sir.  Sit down.  Zero stars.

Some day, you'll meet a man, and he'll sweep you off your feet and promise you the world.  You just punch that lying bastard as hard as you can and run, baby!  Second puppy on the list that needs to return to the pound is Kyle.  What Kyle should have said when I met him was, "I am married with a daughter and I hope that someday the sexual frustration I experience when I'm with you subsides, so I can hear what you are saying."  What Kyle did though was bring me over to his house after a few dates to hook up in a home his wife and daughter was in.  Just a girl trying to date in a world filled with single guys and their secret wives. Kyle graciously let me know I wasn't a friend with benefits but more of a lover with possibilities.  Lord, where do you find them and why do you keep sending them to me.  I should have asked Kyle if he grew up on a chicken farm in whatever African country he was from because he only knew how to raise his cock.  Single bells, single bells, single all the way.  Oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day, hey!  You, my darling, were an exquisite waste of time. If you haven't found your soulmate yet, don't feel bad,  Even the married ones are still searching.

We all know a man who thinks they're God's fucking gift to women but who's mere presence gives you a dry vagina, makes your womb retract & your clit hide for it's own safety.  That would be a guy like Richard.  The I am too good for anyone type.  Third puppy introduced, Richard, the boy that puts himself on a pedestal he shouldn't.  Asked a lot of me right off the bat pertaining to religion.  Told me all about the marriage he plans to have and what his future wife looks like to him.  What Richard didn't mention is for the last 33 years of his whole life he has lived with his mother.  I'm not playing hard to get after that news.  I'm playing "I don't want you."  I don't consider myself a gold digger.  I prefer "wallet lightener."  I'm much too pretty to be doing any digging.  Or playing mommy.  I ask for three basic bare minimum requirements; have your own place to live, have a job, and have a car.  Richard actually ghosted me after confronting him about living at home because it was so offensive and normal in his Southern American culture.  Richard inspired me to be a better man hater of momma's boys (he wasn't my first).  Hey Richard, saw a piece of shit today on the ground and it made me think of you.  And news flash honey, a man will never grow up if he is constantly coddled and his immature behavior is always justified by his mother.  I'm not surprised he ghosted me, his maturity level was never properly established in the real world.  Good thing it never came down to Richard having to say, "Sorry, that mommy has to teach you how too be a man.  Daddy, was more of a bitch, than we initially thought."  If your relationship fails, don't just blame him.  Sweetie it takes two; him and his mother.  Period, because you aren't the problem.  **Gets ghosted** Me:  Thank you for the 15-day free trial.

These are only three ya'll.  Maybe the love of my life got stuck in a condom.  I keep attracting men who are always fighting demons....God if I'm an exorcist, say that.  These cannot be the same men that Dolly begged Jolene not to take.  Call me old fashion but I like men without wives, fiancés, girlfriends, and side hoes.  The fact I still like men proves sexuality is not a choice.  There's plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is?  Trash.  There is a lot of trash.  I want a husband, I am tired of telling 20 guys how my day went.  Being single past thirty is like playing hide and seek but no one is looking for you.  Dating is also a great way to remind yourself dying alone isn't that bad.  Why go on the bachelor when in real life you could talk to a boy that is also talking to 15 other girls.  Fellas, ya'll have to try a little harder than a "you're pretty."  The 38 year old middle eastern men in my DMs have already written 6 poems and promised me all their assests.  So how does it work if you do give up on online dating?  Do you have to go to a shelter or do the cats just start to show up at your door?  Dating is really just finding someone else whose parents fucked them up in a compatible way to how your parents fucked you up.  Current relationship status: slept with the laundry I was too lazy to fold.  But maybe I'm still single because I didn't forward that chain email to 17 of my friends 5 years ago. 

I joke a lot and forget my soulmate is somewhere reading my posts, baby I'll change.  Someone asked me how dating was going and I responded, "I'm researching personality disorders.  I wanna see how many I can catch and identify, like Pokemon Go but with human men."  I mean do men come with communication, consistency, and loyalty or do we have to purchase that separate now? I like surprises but not the finger in the ass without permission kind, but flowers are always nice. I just have to hold on just a little longer and remember my soulmate is out there somewhere probably about to get divorced and be re-released back into the wild.  And I have to find him?  I want to say dating after thirty is easy but it's more like riding a bike and the bike is on fire and the ground is on fire.  Everything is actually on fire because well, you are in hell.  All men are the same, they all disappoint in their own unique ways.  Your grandpa used to write your grandma love letters longer than a college thesis.  Now, here you are, texting women pictures of your penis.  First they give you butterflies then comes the mental trauma.  Second of all, I didn't miss the red flags, I looked straight at them and thought "yeah that's sexy" and that's my challenge now.  Someone please also tell these men clubbing and "going out" every weekend is for youngsters.  Grown adults want to travel, eat good, and get bent over the balcony.  Someone told me once I'm a bit intimidating to prospective dates because I actually have my life together and I am an alpha female.  Well shit, I kinda wanna be cold hearted and emotionally detached.  Kinda wanna find the love of my life and buy a puppy together not train one.  Kinda think the love of my life will end up being a puppy, just not a man puppy.  The cute kinds.  The loyal kinds.  The forever kind.  

On to the next one.

Cheers.

Oh one more thing, never forget to move in together right away. 

It speeds up the breakup process.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Next relationship I get into I am going to need a $1,500 security deposit, I suggest you do the same.

XOXO

B