Strippers and tax deductions

As someone that is an extreme introvert, I often struggled to just walk up to people and commence a conversation. Then I joined the police force and was forced to find ways to talk to people. To this day, much to the dismay of my psychologist, I will use humor to deflect my feelings or to create a persona that allows me to engage with people.

I had grown up relatively sheltered, we lived a bit out of town so I didn’t see my friends that much except at school and I suppose the tag of nerd would easily apply to me during my schooling. As a police officer, I had to learn quickly about the ways of the world, prostitution, drugs, guns, and violence. I learned quickly to apply that knowledge to make jokes about situations that put people at ease.

Sometimes, I would make jokes to lighten the mood, or to make a shift a little bit more enjoyable. Dealing with people at their worst meant that a great way to get them to open up was to make jokes, make them laugh, and make them feel like their whole world wasn’t falling apart. When I joined the Drug Squad, I had a reputation as someone that got lots of arrests and could talk to people effectively. Considering where I had started that was quite some progress.

During my time at the Drug Squad, I worked with some great detectives, who all adopted the similar attitude of treating people with respect and they will talk to you. Everyone had their own style, but it usually paid off.

One early morning we went to execute a search warrant on a husband and wife who were alleged to be dealing in cannabis. They both had old convictions for drug possessions, but nothing serious.

As we entered, hubby was wearing only boxer shorts, and the wife, her name was Tina, was in a cute little negligee. We read them their rights and started chatting. Tina was probably in her early 40s but was in incredible shape physically. Through discussions, it turned out that she worked as a stripper and had been working in that field since her early 20s.

To speed up the search we opted to split up. I volunteered to search the bedroom in Tina’s presence and my partner could search the other rooms with the husband. My partner gave me a look that clearly said, “I hate you!”

I began to search the wardrobe and Tina decided to lay on the bed to supervise me. There was an array of women’s clothing there. From the practical like sweatpants to the highly impractical like massive platform shoes with bubbles in the heels.

I pulled the ridiculous shoes out and held them up. I asked Tina, “How often do you wear these?”

She giggled and replied, “Not that often, I have only worn them a couple of times for work”.

My first thought was how much talent it took to walk in them, let alone dance seductively in them. But to break the ice, I said, “So if you only use them for work, are they a tax deduction?”

Tina laughed again, and said, “You know, I’ve never thought about that. I should talk to my accountant.”

As I rummaged further, my hands felt something else, it felt long and rubbery. As I pulled it out from underneath the clothes, I was so grateful to have gloves on my hands. It was an oversized (ok I’m calling it oversized to make myself feel better) double-ended sex toy. I waved it so that it flopped from side to side, and I asked, “What about this? Can you claim this on tax?”

At that very moment, my partner walked into the bedroom. He looked at Tina lying on the bed, with me waving a giant dildo around asking about when an item is tax deductible. I never found out what he wanted at that moment because he turned around and walked out of the room without uttering a sound.

At the conclusion of the search, we only found a small quantity of cannabis. Tina’s husband admitted ownership and he got a notice to attend drug counseling. They were both grateful for our polite manner and I gave them both my card in case they ever wanted to supply information.

Later that day, back in the Drug Squad office, my partner was happily relaying the story:

“So, I walk into the bedroom, here is this hot stripper lying on the bed in her sexy pyjamas, and this guy is waving a dildo around asking her if she can claim it on tax.”

Over the years Tina turned into a great informant, some very significant arrests resulted from the information that she provided.

Eventually, Tina gave up stripping and went into employment that required greater levels of dress. She even took up embroidery, I know because she joined the same embroidery group as my mother. I never mentioned to mom how I knew Tina, I figured those sorts of things are probably still gossip material in embroidery groups.