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Soulmates vs. Sobriety

Why I can't say I do this holiday season

By Susan Eileen Published 2 years ago 3 min read
Soulmates vs. Sobriety
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

There are a million universes out there, billions and billions, Astronomer Carl Sagan would say. Everything that happens somewhere in some universe, for every choice that is made, the opposite is true in another universe. The world is splitting further and further into an infinite number of parallel universes where everything that could be happening is happening. Every time we make a decision, there is a version of us out there somewhere who made a different choice. There are universes out there where I made different choices, better choices. I believe we are friends in more universes, than in universes than we are not, some much happier and some much worse, but my heart aches for every single universe where I’m not with you.

I want to be in the universe where we are drinking, laughing, and bicycling through the rock formations in our nearby park. I loved that you knew I would love to see the beauty on that bike ride. It's a memory that won't soon fade. I want to be in the universe where alcoholism didn’t destroy us.. I want to be in the world where nothing can destroy us. We are connected on a deeper level in so many universes, and in one of them, and maybe only one of them (for now) everything clicks. In that universe, we are getting ready to celebrate our anniversary. We would do it in style, as always, and we would be off to St. Lucia or some other exotic locale, and I wouldn’t be drunk, I wouldn’t be blacked out. We would be enjoying your retirement after your farewell tour ended. (I’m dreaming big). We would be swimming with the sharks and the octopi again. We would be making plans to go to Norway for the Northern Lights.

But during this fit of longing, I must confess, I am sure that there are universes where things are much worse. Universes where I never got out of the trailer park. Universes where my overdose was my final story . Universes were your story ends with drunk driving Relationships that are even closer to Ike and Tina Turner than we already were. Universes where the gun accidentally went off the night you came by. Universes were I consistently break your heart long before you broke mine. Since we are soulmates in more universes than not, you must also concern yourself when the penny turns up tails, not heads.

So, I must be content with the universe I find myself in now. This universe is quite pleasant in my own little world. The world beyond my scope is disastrous and has been foretold in countless novels across time. But I have food, I have a warm bed, and I have wonderful children and brothers. I like this universe where I show up for my children, I like this universe where I have every comfort that I could ever have, and I like that I am not stingy in the regard to my fellow man. In fact, in this universe, I try to leave everything a little better than it was before. In this universe, even Mother Earth is healthy. In this universe I am sober, and unfortunately, I have to chose sobriety over a soul mate every time it is presented, because in this universe my sobriety is the number one choice I make every day, because without that, nothing else matters.

Nobody died of a little heartache, at least I haven't....yet. I simply can't take that chance right now. I hope you understand. I want to find love again and I know you do too. Maybe next Christmas I can say I do. A promise ring will have to do, because right now, I cannot say I do.

Bad habits

About the Creator

Susan Eileen

I am an aspiring writer currently writing a book on the Sober Revolution we are in the midst of, a book about essays that will change the way you think, and a novel about a serial killer. I am also working on a book of poetry.

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