Sleepless Nights

(These Journal Entries contain mention of suicidal ideation and drug use. It’s not meant to glorify them nor encourage them. If you struggle with such I deeply encourage you to seek support and talk to people you trust. The Journal Entries are deeply personal to me, reflecting my experiences with insomnia. They are not meant to offend or encourage reckless behaviour.)

28/2/2026

My alarm went off. I’m a failure, I’ve not slept all night, all I want is a normal sleep schedule. I feel as if I’m not even in my body. I feel as if I’m watching myself, as if my hands are numb and blurry. I feel my organs moving, my heart painfully racing, my stomach trembling. My skin is itchy and my cheeks flushed, warm yet my body cold.

I just want sleep, even if my sleep is filled with nightmares and terror, I want sleep. Should I laugh or cry, I’m not sure. I feel so sick but I can’t sleep now, I must make it until nighttime. Hopefully I sleep tonight, if not I may decide something drastic. Drugging or suicide…no that’s too far. I still have dreams to dream and fantasies to fantasize.

I feel like I’ve failed, taking time off work, even if it’s volunteering, I’ve still failed to be reliable. I don’t have my driver’s license, I don’t have paid work, I struggle to be social, I can’t even spell or speak at times. In my dreams, I drive, I have paid work, I can socialize but most of all I write eloquently and speak elegantly. All achievable…so close yet still out of reach.

I overdosed on caffeine over the weekend. It was an accident though the temptation to do it again is great. The high I felt was amazing, I felt alive. The down was I felt it in my stomach. I thought that I might rip myself out of my skin to soothe the discomfort. I felt nauseous. But I really want to do it again, the risk is tempting. Many people do stupid, risky things, yet this one thing, to do this one dumb thing. I just want to feel alive.

We all have vices to keep going in this cruel life, mine is caffeine. My coworkers, cigarettes. I remember seeing my boss smoke cigarettes with a coworker. They looked ashamed to be seen like that, though I felt no judgment. It’s a habit that shouldn’t be encouraged but if it gets you through life and it’s not hurting anyone, who I am to judge.

I’m aware of my risky behavior and I understand my mental state. In a way being self aware helps me understand though when I’ve failed I understand all too much.

4/3/2026

I haven’t slept all night again. My heart is affected by this, one beat is slow and the other fast.

The days blend together, today or tomorrow, does it matter. Time makes no sense anymore. It’s all blended together, the only sense of time is the sun and moon.

Even now reality seems pointless.

Am I even real?

I don’t feel as if time is moving. No time moves too quickly. I feel life is going too quickly. I’ve wasted my life, sleepless nights and still I waste my life.

I’m a failure.

(Author’s notes: I began journaling at the start of this year for my mental health. I then realised the people I showed some of my journal entries to also empathise with my writing. They had experienced similar things. Some people were entertained or intrigued. This is one of the reasons why I’ve decided to publish some of my journals entries.)