Secrets & Shadows

This is highly controversial but I don’t care.

The best decision I’ve ever made was to start using cannabis.

Mind you, most people are none the wiser that I even use cannabis. And almost all others pretty shocked when they find out.

Surprise!

Now for the grueling details on how I arrived here.

All my adult life I’ve been highly stressed. Some of the stress was put upon me in the form of expectations from family. Expectations to be what they want me to be. To follow their religion. To work a “good” and respectable 9-5 job (that they approved of). To work hard and make them proud.

So I did just that.

Structured my life in the shadows of expectation.

Unfortunately, for them, I also wanted to go to college, but they didn’t think that was best for me. So they never supported it.

Unfortunately, for me, they sent me to some trauma forming religious school in high school.

In addition to said trauma… which I’m still working through more than 20 years later… religious schools have different rules and expectations that don’t align with state requirements (I’m not going to explain the bullshittery of the situation) which affected the ability to receive scholarships.

In my particular state, once I’d graduated with the college track program from religious high school… it pretty much meant nothing to the state. Which therefore meant I was on my own entirely to pay for school.

And I did so. Entirely on my own. No support from anyone. Not financially or emotionally or in any other form. In fact, I constantly had to defend my choices.

Well… working full time at 18 and paying for school out of pocket was extremely difficult, even for someone disciplined. I did that for a few semesters and then it became too much.

So I did what any “good” daughter would do. Exactly as I was told.

At this point I was doing great in my career. I had become a teller supervisor at the bank I was working for and had been promoted to a manager. Hopefully my Dad was proud of me then. The story doesn’t get much better in that regard, as I went on to make all the choices that would disappoint him and cause me to continually feel “not good enough” but for all intents and purposes, I did try really hard to be all they wanted me to be.

My mother was never and will never be proud of me. I think she has her own trauma she’s never dealt with. (I’ll just leave that there) I’m pretty sure she’s not capable of loving me or feeling anything positive for me. Which of course has been extremely stressful all my life.

Enter all the rest of my jobs that have gone wrong.

After my promotion at the bank, we got a new manager that was known for cleaning house. And cleaning house she did… to the point where they cleaned her out as well. I was fired unjustly and couldn’t get anyone to hear me out, until years later when I was told they’d fired her not too long after for questionable management practices. No surprise on my end.

I’ll skip all the boring details of my next few job adventures and jump to the part where I’d had enough of “good” respectable jobs and I decided to go back to school. By this point I had a daughter and she was three. I was a single mom (still am and always have been) and I decided to do bettter for myself and better for her.

So, I went back to school and I worked full time. I earned two degrees and was proud of myself for getting it all done. I’d stay up late to do homework after putting her to bed and making her lunch for preschool and telling her a bedtime story. I spent almost all my lunch hours studying. I drove around a lot. Home to preschool to work to college and back to pick up my daughter. I enjoyed these years. I did it. All on my own. I’d forgotten the struggle till this moment of reflection. I wouldn’t change it though.

Imagine my absolute horror when not only my parents weren’t impressed, but also when my newly earned degreees meant absolutely nothing!

By this time in my career I was working for one of the colleges I’d attended. I definitely thought I was finally on the right track. I love education. I believe it’s important and I always supported others in furthering their education. Working for an educational institution, I thought I’d be supported as well.

Boy was I wrong!

Again, I won’t list every horrid detail, but this is the point where all the stress and pressure of trying to make my parents proud and also succeed in my own way came crashing down.

My job not only didn’t support me the way I thought, but there were some very very manipulative and sneaky people around me.

There I am, in my own lane, trying to keep a “good” respectful job and further my career. Thought I’d use my new degrees and be able to provide for myself and daughter without the stress of living paycheck to paycheck. I thought I’d finally arrived to the place where society respects you.

They did not.

I applied for 8 jobs (all of which I was qualified for or overqualified for) to get away from the particular “mess” that had been created and made hostile by one of my peers. I had accomplished earning the necessary credentials. These 8 job applications were all at the institution I had already worked for a couple years, at an educational institution. I was blocked at every turn. Then I was “disciplined” for things I wasn’t actually doing and put on a type of probation. What a nightmare.

Finally, I was fed up.

The write up was also unjust. My jealous co-worker had been getting cozy with HR perpetuating lies on my behalf for months. No wonder I couldn’t get an interview.

So, I did what any self respecting person would do.

I printed out my resume and cover letter and marched over to HR. Requested to only speak to the HR director and demanded an answer. Of course he started with the run around. Excuses of not being qualified. Needing the education to back it, etc. Lucky for me, I was a step ahead. I’d also printed the job description. I let him give the excuses and then I pointed out that I had every single qualification and then some. I had the experience and degree to back it. They were requiring an Associates degree and I had an Associates degree. I also had a Bachelors degree. In the exact area in which was required.

Clearly at this point he was fumbling for an answer. The answer I got was that the algorithm had rejected my application (all 8 of them for various jobs apparently), to this I say that’s bullshit. Whatever though, lessons learned.

It did however, cause me so much stress to the point I had developed some pretty intense medical issues.

A few other things contributed to my medical issues. All stress related. Mostly because of finances, but also from unnecessary pressure and unwarranted criticism. And irrelevant people not worth a mention.

After years of struggling with low energy and pain and a multitude of other health concerns, the medical community chalked it up to Fibromyalgia and sent me on my way.

They didn’t help me or anything. They just informed me that’s what they had concluded and they had me go in every six months for blood work and such.

They set me up with a counselor (who was very professional and seemed like a very intelligent woman) but the entire medical community just tried to throw prescriptions at me. Some of which made me gain weight. Some increased my anxiety. Some made me feel really angry and suicidal (which I’d never felt) so I stopped taking the meds.

Switched to holistic care.

Started going frequently for chiropractor adjustments. Became interested in essential oils. Started using and learning more about essential oils and herbs.

And the best decision, accepting the referral for a medical card.

Of course this came with some pretty harsh judgement.

Cannabis in my world still has a bit of a stigma attached, though it is legal in my state. At this point virtually most of the states have legalized it, in various degrees, with the exception of about 7, that are only really CBD legal.

That’s how it started.

I needed anxiety and pain relief. I also desperately needed sleep aid.

The answer.

CBD.

Then eventually a medical card. Once I got over (for the most part) all the judgement directed my way.

Alas, we have reached the end of this part of story… for now anyways.

Are my parents still disappointed in me? Yes, 1000% so.

Do jobs still look down on marijuana? Yeah, all the “respectable” ones do.

Do I care?

Not one bit.

I don’t want any job that requires you to submit a test to prove you are “drug” free. I don’t respect those jobs and their rigid, “look down your nose at people” rules. Those jobs are all suffocating at the end of the day anyways.

While y’all are busy judging me, I’m probably enjoying my edibles. Pain free. In my own world, away from all the “rules”.

Like I said, the decision to use cannabis was the best decision I’ve made for myself. It’s been the single thing to help with my physical and mental pains and the burdens that society imposes on us.

It’s been the support I needed when I’ve only had my shadow as company. The support I never had from my community.

Best of all, it’s never unfairly judged me.

I know I’m going to get a lot of grief for this, but I don’t care.

Go ahead and judge me.

This is my “big bad confession”, the “secret” I keep.