Rekindled Flame of High-school Sweethearts

I go through continuous changes with or without my past and yet I always found myself having thoughts about my first love. I always wondered why; our relationship was not something I remembered fondly. The scenario that always ran through my head was him giving me an apology and telling me how he never forgot about me, you know, a standard sitcom cliche and then by some strange coincidence of fate that’s exactly what happened a couple of months ago. After he sent me a message sending me his condolences about my uncles passing I decided a year later to send a message to him myself just to return his kindness.I wasn’t expecting a response but, to my surprise he did so, we caught up for about 15-20 minutes and then he asked me if we could meet up for coffee.

Two weeks go by after that and I personally felt nothing of it. I wasn’t expecting it to go good or bad so I just treated it as a regular day. Our meeting was set for IHOP because I wanted panacakes and if he said something stupid at least I got a good breakfast from him and carry on with my day. He was late; I knew he would be because I suspected he’d be nervous. We hug, we sit and first thing he says is an apology but it was so quick that it was kind of swept away under the weight of how causally we were speaking to each other. The day went surprisingly well, I knew I bared no grudge but the pain I felt for all these years is something that will unfortunately remain. As we walked through the park and discussed our past relationship and current life in ramblings it felt rather peaceful and familiar so much so that we both felt that same pull we had then.

A month passes and were talking to each other every day. While he’s at work until his girlfriend comes home. I’m pretty sure you can guess how the problems started and it wasn’t her, at least not for me. Once old feelings started resurfacing so did the temptations.I’m no stranger to being the “other girl” Im not proud of it but my emotions always out weighed out my moral compass and also, I sadly, can be quite selfish by nature. It was pretty easy to forgive myself however this time around because the girlfriend used to be my best friend. I carried that resentment for just as long if not harder then I did that relationship. Men, I could hate easy if they broke my heart but friends? That was much harder to cope with.

Three months go by and were still talking and trying to validate this behavior as if its not cheating; regardless of the current state of his relationship, this was cheating. A choice had to made and, not by me at least, I didn’t think I had one but I did have one. It was to leave or calm my hormones down but neither was an option to me. I just wanted him. See? Selfish as I said and to my dismay, a bit self absorbed too.

The two weeks he went on vacation my mind didn’t change much but the week after the broke up? All the emotions I felt during those four months just fizzled out. Which then led me making another VERY impulsive and selfish (nothing new) decision after ranting to my best friend about it. I ended up telling him that I liked him and that I did for awhile. I guess my mentality just continues to be “what else can go wrong” I shot my shot and forced him in a position where he had choose between his girlfriend or me. Which was totally wrong on my part but at least he made his decision quick instead having me dangling like he was doing. Both consenting parties just I knew what I wanted but he didn’t.

I never thought I‘d confuse intense feelings of nostaligia for love but I did. He meant a great deal to me back then and still does now. It angers me that he still plagues my thoughts though, it angers me because I don’t feel anything for it. I don’t want to pursue that relationship anymore and yet I’m unable to forget the impacts he‘s left on me back then and currently. I don’t feel like my time was wasted but at the same time I do. I put myself in that position so the blame is not his alone. But, it’s just time I can‘t back.

He’s not a bad person, he’s changed a lot and I’m so very proud of him for that but he hasn’t grown where I needed him too which is why stepping away was inevitable. He and I are just at completely different paths in life right now and that’s okay, as a friend I’d love to see him flourish and grow into who he needs to become but as lovers? that’s the past as it should of stayed. I was chasing love in a dead end.