Numbers Never Looked Right to Me

I always had a problem with mathematics since I was about four or six years old. I went through one of those quick school IQ tests to see where I excelled and where I needed help. I got help for comprehension because I had some trouble reading and following directions, my teacher said I need specifics or I ended up confused but that didn't last long. The main issue that I had was with numbers, I couldn't process the basics without some assistance and still couldn't count from ten without using my fingers. This was in elementary school, so as grew older I thought the problems would cease but it never did.

Since my IEP said I had comprehension problems I never got the help where I really needed it but I was also just too embarrassed to tell them the truth. That I couldn't multiply without using a calculator, I can't divide, that I can't tell the difference between a mead, mode, and a medium, I can't count change, etc. I struggled on my own and tried my hardest to understand but I still couldn't, it was infuriating. The support I got in schools from teachers to friends was very little to none at all. Granted I was never fully open about the severity of my disability and that's where I messed up. Where my teachers took fault was from the lack of empathy and understanding. Some had very little patience with me on how slow I was learning, teachers would brush me off and look at me like I was stupid. It was even more embarrassing and disheartening when a college professor I had did the same.

I would study for hours doing the same problems over and over again trying to drill the numbers in my head with repetition. Although this would work not by much but sadly the information would never retain in my head it'd be as if I never understood and that frustrates me to no end. But I pushed on, I didn't have much of a choice when I still refused to tell anyone about how bad my disability really was. Even now as an adult I often feel inadequate, whenever I go shopping I don't like having small bills on me or pocket change whatsoever did I mention, that I still can't tell the difference between a nickel and a dime? It's so stupid but I remember that it baffled me since the fourth grade. While we were learning the value of money and my teacher had come to help me with adding something like $2.50 and $1.00 at the bottom of the page it showed a box showing a quarter, dime. nickel and a penny. When I looked at the dime and the nickel I thought "why doesn't the value of the dime and the nickel match their size" from then on I hated change and no matter how many times I'm told I never remember longer than a day or two. Sad isn't it?

This has been my life forever so learning to accept it has definitely been a struggle. I'm always afraid of it affecting every aspect of my life: my personal life, dating life, my day to day. It's been ingrained in my brain that there is nothing worse than "lacking knowledge" is the nice way to put it. Handling money is something I never want to do but it's something I have to do. I never want to look at a math book again and go completely blank, I never want to go shopping and be afraid of handing bills instead of swiping a credit card. I never want to feel inadequate but, this is my reality this is how I'll often feel and I have to accept that.

Numbers will always look like a jumbled mess to me, I'll always be slow to count and in all honestly, I don't even know if I explained myself very well but this is my experience. I'm not ashamed now to say that'll I'll probably need help in a lot of things for the rest of my life but that in itself took a long time to accept and learn I'm just glad I got here.