Passion or duty

Every since I was born, there stood those miserable walls.

We're supposed to explore the outside world someday, remember?

Far beyond these society walls, lies the world we promised ourselves to venture to.

I figured you'd just forgotten

But you actually stopped talking about it, because you didn't want to let go of her.

didn't you?





We're both going to end soon

No

I’m going to end us both

Yes, that’s what’s going to happen

It must be

That we never found a way for us to be together

It’s all going away…

These feelings

These moments

These emotions

These dreams

These talks





I’m sorry, I’m sorry

I heard your story, and looked into your eyes

You became my new world beyond the walls

But

What was really beyond the walls

Was nothing like the world I dreamed of

It wasn’t like the world I saw

In my dreams.

When I found out that you were yet another wall I had to overcome, I was so… disappointed

I wished for it

I wanted to wipe it all away

I’m sorry

I’m sorry



I came to understand that purposely hurting my loved one couldn't be justified, but I still did it regardless for my own reasons.

I lied to the person I loved most. My goal was to drive her as far away from me as possible.

But an important distinction to make here is when i started to lie to her;

I only did so after I realised the nature that runs in her family.

My cold demeanour and lies towards her only began after this realisation.

That demeanor was not a result of my hatred towards her, but rather my own self-loathing.

I was deeply ashamed of what I wanted and what i had done.



I do think that part of what i said, was genuine.

It felt, to an extent, like she had betrayed me by not making this realisation also;

and, despite my own desire to distance myself from her

Her lack of solutions to the current situation frustrated me

It felt like I was the only person that could see what was to come

It appeared to me as if everyone around me was doing nothing to prevent that future.



My ultimate lie was the claim that I wanted to end things with her

Nothing could be further from the truth; I loved Chantelle, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her

But the very nature of our relationship was something I could not accept.

She pursued me to chase duty because she wanted me to have the approval of her parents.

Because she wanted us to be together forever

But what I was going to do instead was not something I could allow her to be there for.

Her family would have never allowed our relationship to continue



I decided she would never be able to find her own happiness so long as she continued to depend on me,

It was at this point, after meeting her brother, that I knew I could no longer be with her.

His expressions and tone of voice towards us explained it all.

“You know what mum and dad will think of this right?” He said

I didn’t want to admit it but I finally understood.

As optimistic as she was, she encouraged me to chase university

And I did so for her

To be able to be with her I need to become a successful graduate

So I devoted myself to do that



If only I could get into physiotherapy, I thought

Then surely I would gain the approval of her parents

I convinced myself that my passions and hobbies were something I needed to abandon in order to grow

but deep down I knew exactly what my final decision would be

It was at that moment i knew what was to come





I was drunk on freedom, and i had come to realise just how that desire had enslaved me.

It made me choose a life of passion and freedom rather than love and responsibility.

But i could not stop myself.

Forced onwards by my own nature and my dreams, and losing myself in the process

in the end I was literally a puppet to my desire for freedom.

And i didn't want Chantelle to sacrifice her own freedom for me as well.



Nothing felt right

I didn’t know where to go

To the left where nothing is right

or

to the right where nothing is left



I was a very childish person.

My reason for doing what I did was, a childish one

I didn’t think it was justified, but I did it anyway

Chantelle

I always thought that you looked at me as someone who was free. The bird outside the cage remember? But this was also far from the truth.

I knew that eventually, when I had caused you enough scars, you'd be able to end things between us. I didn't want to be the one to do it. I'm sorry to have placed that burden on you. I loved you with every bit of me, as much as I loved my desire to be free from these walls society throws upon us. None of the choices felt right, I only happened to be able to pick one of them. I'm sorry.

I've always lied to you and asked you to forgive me. Deliberately, keeping you at a distance by my own hand. Because I didn't want you to get caught up in any of this. But now I think that perhaps you could have changed me.

If I had only come to you from the start, looked straight into your eyes and told you the truth. With me, who failed telling you all this from above, it's not going to penetrate and sink in. But I want to impart at least this much truth to you. You don't ever have to forgive me. And no matter what you do from here on out, know this; I will love you always.

-Pedro