Open confessions of me

Open confessions of me.

Today I’ve had a lot of time to do some thinking and a lot of major self reflection. I have truly come a very long way from where I was even last year this time. The year before that was even worse. A lot of people know me as being silly or some consider mean but nobody really knows the depths of me, the hate I used to have. I felt so trapped inside of myself I was stressed out I was very depressed to the point where I just had to have a drink wine, vodka, tequila, anything to numb and drown out what was going on around me, what I was dealing with the things I would think about. I had a lot of issues with self-confidence the way I dressed the things I ate the things I didn’t eat. I got to the point where I daily just thought of harming myself possibly committing suicide then everything can just go away I wouldn’t have to feel it I wouldn’t have to drink every night.

I self medicated with alcohol trying to hide myself from the world. I begin to think of the stuff that I went through as a kid, as a teenager, and on into becoming an adult. Some of the choices that I made some of the choices that I didn’t make it was a lot of regret in my lifetime. until I finally found something that gave me an outlet made me think of something else and that was my first book, while the book necessarily is not about me it gave me an escape and unfortunately it was interrupted for a while because I went back into being fearful dealing with stress and drama being with somebody who I can look back on a lot of their actions showed me that they did not love me. No matter how many things were purchased how many times it was said, the overall picture is it was a dependency it wasn’t love. I was convenient, and a person who fixed things. I was a comfort zone and I allowed myself to be stretched so thin that I lost who I was I lost myself in the process of trying to help and mold someone else.

I was justly right in removing my emotions I was justly right for leaving mentally. We never connected spiritually. I got to the point where I did so much for this person they felt it was owed to them; being with somebody is a privilege not a right loving someone and having them reciprocate that love is a privilege not a right. So many people fail to realize this they get comfortable and complacent and they forget as quick as this person walked in they can walk out even quicker that’s what I did. I had to turn it around and fix this on my own no one could help me. Who I am today versus who I was back then are two totally different people I have a different form of happiness.

When my mom passed I had to put it all behind me to make a positive and necessary move to breath and have a clear view of change. I’ve reflected just a bit on how her death has affected me and it has affected me a lot. More than I knew. More than I wanted to admit. Now I can say that I have a lot of confidence you can say I’m almost cocky, but I have a right to be with everything that I’ve been through with everything that’s been going on within these past few months I deserve it all.

Being able to lay next to a reflection of yourself not perfect by any means and not everybody’s cup of tea but just feeling something so deep so rare even if you explain it you only scratched the very surface of what you’re experiencing. I ran from this very thing but I guess I ran in a circle. No matter how many times I’ve questioned or attempted to opt out or pull away create distance all signs point me right back to the exact same place. And of course nothing happens immediately things take time the roots grow first and then the tree and from the tree you’re either going to get fruit or you’ll get flowers, either way it becomes beautiful, things may change leaves may shed but those roots they stay grounded even when no one else is around it’s truly a feeling to hold onto.

Never really finding the time to express it all but knowing it’s there is what makes it worth while. Being curious but patient. Intrigued but understanding. I said something and I just may be right. But time is best played for this part.