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Open/Closed

When reality hits an open marriage.

By Steven GeorgePublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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Open/Closed
Photo by In Lieu & In View Photography on Unsplash

A few months ago, my husband and I decided to open up our marriage. We have been together for over 11 years, married for 7. In theory, it's a great idea. Who wouldn't want to have some no-strings-attached fun with someone and then come home to your husband? Isn't that the dream most guys have? I thought so, too.

But then, emotions get involved like they always do. And not necessarily for the people we are going to have fun with, but within the confines of our own marriage.

I've never been the jealous type. I have always operated on the basis of complete trust and honesty, until "the incident" that proved otherwise. I thought that opening up the marriage would provide some sort of comfort to me, knowing who he was going to see, when he was going, and opening up a dialogue for what he needed. Except, what he needs, is everything that I have been providing and wanting to provide for years. Just with different guys.

Being an analytical person, I start to look at myself. Is it the weight gain? Is it the disparity of income? What have I done that has created this? Why is it that he can go to other men, strangers, and do things that I have been begging him to do with me for years? What is so fundamentally wrong with me? And when I try to bring up these conversations, it never ends well. It turns into a fight about all the things that I have done wrong throughout the years, except we promised that we would restart after "the incident."

I tried to play along, both figuratively and literally. But yet, while I get maybe one or two messages on the godforsaken gay dating apps, he is flooded. I get the scary, he gets the attractive. In a relationship where I already feel, I'll just say it, ugly, that just knocks down your confidence even more.

So then, what do I do? Do I close the marriage again? That seems like the logical choice, but I'm not sure how he will react to that. And, quite honestly, maybe that reaction is a sign. But, one thing is for sure, I'm tired of feeling unattractive.

I thought opening up the marriage would be good for him. It would give him the opportunity to see that there is nothing else out there and that he has something special at home. But, what I didn't account for was what would be good for me. I've spent most of my life taking care of other people, and this just turned out to be another example of that. I put his needs before mine, again. In this repeated cycle of mine, I turned out to be the loser.

So now, I sit here writing this while he is out with someone. I truly don't mind that he is out with someone. What I care about is that this was supposed to open communication between us and help us become closer. Such a strange idea, inviting others in so we can be closer? Spending time finding others so we can be closer? Wow, writing that down for the first time really hits home how asinine the idea really is. Instead, while he is out there having fun, I'm left with the open wounds.

The lesson for me here is that I can't find a simple fix to my marriage. Trying to find more "fun" for us, shouldn't include finding other people to share our bedroom with. But, now I wonder, have we gone too far down this path to find our way back?

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About the Creator

Steven George

Steve is a Detroit native with a passion for helping. He owns a holistic healing company, and works as a researcher. He is currently writing two books on holistic healing.

cmmcholistichealing.com

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